The Clomid Chronicles -Part 2 - Grieving Hope

The birds are chirping so it's official, I have now spent all night crying.

I had a good day, I met a new prof from the law school we went for coffee after the photo op for my Charitable Giving publication and he recommended I do some graduate studies. (An educated nice guy who things I'm brilliant - I must be able to set him up with one of my friends.) I had a snooze in the sun this afternoon on my new swing and spent a lovely evening with friends. The tears were kept to a minium with only a few escapees when giving the girls the update from my appointment.

Tonight I woke up from a dead sleep and in an instant it dawned on me that I had lost my hope of getting pregnant. I immediately started sobbing. Not just a little misty-eyed, full-out pillow stiffling sobs. I have spent all night greiving my hope of a pregnancy. I know there is still a "chance" but I have lost the "hope" that has brought me through 3 years of treatments.

I still don't believe that Hubby and I will always be childless. If the fertility treatments don't work we will eventually adopt but I will first have to greive the loss of hope of a preganancy, of a newborn baby, of having a child with Hubby's eyes and my nose. I have to get over disappointing my hubby, our family and everyone who has been rooting for me.

I read an article about studies on women experiencing infertility and how they were shown to have the same stress levels as women with other medical conditions such as heart disease or HIV. It's little wonder I'm at my wit's end.

I've got to pull myself together try not to look like I've been up all night before I wake the Hubby. Don't get me wrong, he's very supportive and would have sat up with me all night, but he's participating in a fundraiser of a youth program this morning and then off to work so I didn't want to wake him. He'll get the full sob-by-sob replay when he gets home.

Maybe a little Ben and Jerry's Breakfast will start the day right! I've got an ice cream date set up for this afternoon. I probably just need to get back on my doctor approved all ice cream diet.

I also desperately need a new crafting project. I've been unable to pick a project and have gone through all of my pattern books with nothing catching my interest. Fellow crafter's I'm calling on you, I need some recommendations for something quick, satisfying and made with easy to find yarn (preferably from my growing stash) in either knit or crochet.

I know I'm always apologizing for the poor me rants but I really find a lot of comfort in knowing I'm not the only one out there going through this by reading other people's fertility blogs and I hope that someone else may find something helpful in my little meltdowns.

For example, I did crack a smile when I came across the following on the blog "Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies but apparently neither does sex" I hope she doesn't mind that I posted it here but I just had to share!