October in a nutshell

Where did October go?

Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since I have updated my blog. There has been a lot going on and I just can’t believe that it is already November. The missing month has had some ups and some downs and I will try to catch you up as quickly as possible. The key word for October has been BUSY!

Let’s get the bad stuff right out of the way.

Halloween kicked off what is sadly become a string of funerals. Last week began with the loss of my Great Uncle, the funeral was on Wednesday. Thursday, a group of girls traveled out of town to support a friend at her grandmother’s funeral, and Friday my cousin’s partner committed suicide leaving her a single mother to their young son. I also found out my grandmother is not well and will not strong enough to undergo the surgery required to save her life. While, she is technically my “ex-step-grandmother” she has been a grandparent to me since I was 8 years old. She lives with my “ex-stepmother” and my little brother and the coming months will be very hard on all of them.

I think part of the reason I have been avoiding updating my blog is that I was really hoping to have some good news. I must start by saying I am feeling much more like myself now that all of the fertility drugs are out of my system. I am not so easily upset and feel sane again. Although I think Christmas will still be a challenge, I am beginning to accept that life will go on with out a pregnancy.

This acceptance was spurred on by the fact that Hubby and I were approached about a private adoption. We kept our fingers crossed; our lips sealed and tried not to get our hopes up too much. Sadly, in taking the time to weigh their options the family let things get too and the girl is now in protective custody. Private adoption is no longer an option and an inter-provincial adoption would be complicated and too lengthy to be in the girl’s best interest. While we completely understand how and why things worked out the way they have, Hubby and I can’t help but be disappointed, both for the girl and for ourselves.

So eventually it will be back to the drawing board to consider the rest of our options, in the meantime November does not show any signs of slowing down and we will likely be full-tilt until the New Year.

Work has been very hectic and I am currently writing three publications which have to be printed by January, including the rewrite of a 100 page book. So far things are chugging along but I have not had a spare moment. I have also been preparing for workshops on reporting forms for charities – thrilling stuff. My first workshop was on Friday and you know it is bad when you nearly put yourself to sleep.

I have been practicing many of my unmarketable skills in the last month. I did a wedding cake for a fall wedding. I don’t often do cakes for people I don’t know but I was asked by my cousin and despite my concerns, the bride and groom were both thrilled with the way it turned out. I wish I had better pictures but these should give you a general idea.

I have also been at my sewing machine working on a beautiful prom dress. Next weekend is our annual “prom” weekend. Friends host a yearly theme party and this year it is a 50’s Prom in Halifax. While I would not usually go to such great lengths for a theme party, I was able to get a great deal on the fabric and pattern when a fabric store went out of business and I think the dress could easily be used again on New Year’s or some other event. I will post pictures when I finish mine later this week but here is the pattern:

Thanksgiving gave me the opportunity to make one of my favourite cakes – Princeton Orange Cake. We had a large family gathering with 15 for dinner. Later that week Monkey and I made apple crisp with apples we picked ourselves. We had a great time picking apples again and the Cortlands were finally ready! My sis has discovered that if you make a chunky applesauce with cinnamon, sprinkle granola on top and toss in it the microwave for a bit it tastes like apple crisp. Yummy! I have been eating a lot of “apple crisp” for breakfast.

Hubby and I went to a friend’s Halloween house party. There were a lot of great costumes. My friend and I went as inmates at a Women’s Prison, I would post the pictures but I’m afraid there are already far too many unflattering photos of me in my prison orange dress floating around out there. Yikes!

I have been collecting goodies for the ladies at the transition house and my spare room is starting to fill up with items for the 8 Christmas gift baskets. I will have to start checking my list to see who I have left to buy for this Christmas. We have managed to get a Guitar Hero game for my little brother and he will soooo excited. Hubby bought a copy for the Wii and we have been playing it quite a bit. It is a lot of fun.

Some November good news!
My cousin finally had her baby boy and both are healthy and happy. He has beautiful red hair and 5 names. K.P.R.M.W. is going to make even initialing something a chore.

My little brother was in town this weekend to accept his Chief Scout Award from the "Left-handed" Governor. (Lieutenant Governor). The award ceremony was held at the Legislature and there was a reception at the "Left-handed" Governor's home. I was very proud of him, I gave him the only gift I could be sure a 13 year old boy would appreciate - money.

A month later (no not a month late)

It has been just over a month since our trip to the fertility clinic and I've had a few emails asking how I have been. I had really hoped that I could say I'm doing so much better. Unfortunately, it is still constantly on my mind and still very much an open wound. I have stopped weeping every time someone looks at me but I am surprised at how often I am struck by sadness and how unexpected it always is.

For the last three years I have been upset at baby announcements, baby showers and holidays. That is just par for the course. However, it is now the strangest things that set me off.

• stupid hockey theme baby blankets
• people walking with their children
• people complaining about their children
• parent/teacher night
• baby food commercials
• Old Navy halloween costume

I have been living with the frustration of waiting to have a baby, but now there is a despair in knowing that it is not going to happen at all. It is a whole new level that is taking some time to get acclimatized to. My fear is that it will not get better and that for the rest of my days I will be brought to tears by everyday things. Chances are good that my friends, family and neighbours will continue to have children and I can't stand the thought of always being the miserable wet blanket.

I really appreciate the lengths that those around me have gone to comfort me and accommodate my sensitive spots. I just wish they didn't have to do it. I know that people tip-toe around me on the baby stuff, like waiting for the right moment to tell me someone is expecting, not recommending certain books or movies, or the awkward silence walking by the baby section at the mall. I've been quite open about where I am emotionally because I feel like I need the support of my friends but I hate making the people feel uncomfortable.

I guess I hadn't realized that my situation would rob me of the joy I got from taking part in other people's pregnancies and children. I loved making handmade things and buying cute toys and outfits. Now it is just too hard. There are a lot of blogs, success stories and support for people in the midst of fertility treatments. There does not seem to be much out there on what happens when you run out of options.

It is not that I think my feelings are unjustified or I'm not clear on why I feel the way I do. I just wish I knew how long it is going to last. I am also still angry about our appointment with the fertility clinic and now that it has been a month I think I will write a letter to both my specialist here and the clinic administration. On the upside, they have not billed us for our consultation - yet.

Geez, I bet you guys are sorry you asked!

Slowly crawling out of my hole.

So you may be thinking that I've been spending the last few weeks crying in my bed. While I did spend a few full days there I have been slowly but surely crawling out of the hole and back to life. Instead, I've been crying at work, at restuants, in my car, when anyone looks at me,(mostly kidding) but I've done a pretty good job at avoiding the temptation to spend the next month in bed.


I find that anytime I am not busy I'm in trouble. I've been running myself ragged so that I don't think about baby stuff and so at night I am exhausted and can sleep. I'm not prone to depression, like everyone I've had my moments, but I am generally a take charge and move on kind of person and it is really unnatural to me to wake up crying and feel on the verge of tears all day.


It is hit or miss these days, I did have a minor meltdown earlier this week when my pregnant cousin sent me two separate invitations to her baby shower and then a link to a webpage they have created for their unborn child. To my credit, I did not melt down at her, I did however ask my sister (who got the brunt of it) to intervene and politely ask her to stop sending me baby related stuff.

Yesterday, I managed to buy sleepers for my cousin who just had a baby girl and my cousin who is expecting - with out tears. I gave myself a "Suck it up" speech and put them in the cart, only to cry all the way home from Moncton.

I think at this moment I am my own worst enemy. I am beating myself up for not "getting over this already" and I feel the need to bottle it all up because people are probably sick to death of my self-pity party- I know I am.

So part of keeping myself busy was finalizing and sending my Knitter's Virtual Vacation Swap package and doing my part for Team Canada for Dish Rag Tag. (By the way thanks to Ruby for the great stitch markers and beautiful rainbow dish rag.) Done and Done! I can't wait to get my package from my pal.

Here is my new favourite dish rag pattern, it is textured and great for scrubbing. It is a great first project for a beginner. If you don't know how to crochet there are lots of great sites and even some YouTube videos that can show you these basic stitches. Chain, Single Crochet, Double Crochet

Chain 29-33 sts depending on your tension and desired size. Turn.

Beginning with a single crochet in the third chain from the hook work each stitch across alternating between single crochet (sc) and double crochet (dc). Turn

Continue to work the pattern, alternating sc and dc stitches. If the stitch below is a sc you should dc into the top, if the stitch below is a dc you should sc into the top. Once you have reached your desired length you can tie off and you're done.

Depending on how fancy you like your dish rags you could work around the dishrag with a single crochet or a more elaborate edging.

Did I mention it is fast too. I did mine in approximately 45 minutes. Too bad I was not home early enough to get it back in the mail the same day. I did my best to reinforce the box a little as it was pretty squished when I got it.

I should also mention that Monkey and I were featured on the front page of a local paper for our summer reading and we more than met our goal of another 100 books. As a reward I gave him a beautiful book and cd of Puff the Magic Dragon. Poor little monkey had an eye infection and has to stay home from daycare today so I will be closing the office early and sending all my staff home for an extra long weekend. It's good to be the queen.

I want to say thank you again to everyone online and off for the wonderful support. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a good long weekend.

Time is moving very slowly.

I can't get over how slowly time has moved in the last three days. Yesterday was particularly drawn out. Every hour seemed like three. It probably doesn't help that I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Hubby came home for lunch and kicked my butt out of bed but shortly after he left I found myself wandering around the house and since I couldn't even stand my own company it was either pour myself a drink or go back to sleep. I went to bed.

Last night a couple of friends came by to watch tv and that seems to help. I know I need to keep busy and avoid being alone but I am such bad company it doesn't seem fair to make anyone put up with me. There are lots of people offering but I am such a downer. I try to keep it together but it seems everything makes me cry. Even sitting here at work it is too quiet and I find my mind wandering. If I wasn't so damn busy I'd take a couple of days off.

I know I will eventually get back to feeling like myself but it in the meantime every hour is creeping by. Thanks to everyone for the support, it is comforting and I have been checking my email and comments frequently for a little boost from my online pals.

Worse than expected

I'm not sure what to say about our trip. The news was worse than we expected. The only viable option seems to be invitro which is something I was never prepared to do. It would cost $10,000 a cycle with no guarantees that they will even be able to go through with it. If they are able to do the invitro it only increases our chances of having a baby by 30-40%. They want to do more test on Hubby and if everything checks out with him there is a chance we could do the injections at a bargain price of $2000/month for a 10-20% chance of getting pregnant if they are able to complete the cycle and a 20-30% chance of multiples.

It felt like the whole appointment was a disaster. They didn't have all of my paperwork and had to have it faxed down. There were tests they thought should have been done every year that had not been done since 2003 and 90% on the consultation with with some 20 year old intern who made me cry despite my best efforts to keep my composure.

The most frustrating part is they think the Clomid may have been working for most of the cycles and that the doc here was just testing too soon. They are also concerned that they did not do an in depth analysis of Hubby and there is a chance that the last three years was a complete waste of time because of a male factor. Three years of an emotional rollercoaster, putting my body and mind through hell, for nothing.

There is no point in going any further with it, if they test Hubby again and find a problem it only means that our options are limited to IVF and I'm not willing to go there.

I am so angry and frustrated and just incredibly sad. Every time I think I can't possibly cry any more I am right back where I started. I just can't see where to even start to deal with it all.

This morning my grandmother, who loves me dearly, said absolutely everything I did NOT want to hear in the span of three minutes.

• You need to just relax and stop trying and it will happen
• My aunt tried for 10 years and then they gave up and adopted and right after they had 5 of their own.
• God works in mysterious ways

And let's not forget to tie it all up in my absolute favourite: Everything happens for a reason!

I am so miserable I can't even stand myself.

So it is over, I will never be pregnant, I will never have a baby belly, a baby shower, or an ultrasound picture to hang on the fridge, it will just never happen for me and I'm not sure I will ever get over it. My heart is just broken.

Feeling lonely

In a week where I have more work to do than I can possibly get done in three days I am finding it impossible to focus. I am absolutely terrified about my trip to the fertility clinic in Halifax. I'm not even sure what I'm worried about, we are just going for a consultation.

I think it may mostly be the weight of the decision to be made. I feel pressure on all sides, I know Hubby is desperately hoping I will agree to take the next step, my family thinks I've been through enough and I stuck in the middle not sure what I want and not ready to disappoint anyone. I know the decision is my own and I have to do what is right for me but I find it impossible to block out how my decision affects Hubby.

It has just been a rough week all around, work pressure topped with and lots of pregnancy related news, photos and shower invitations for family and friends. In fact, one cousin is having her third baby as I write. As much as it is comforting to read the blogs of others struggling with infertility, I still find that I feel incredibly alone. I don't have any friends who are in the same boat as I am, not that I would wish it on them. I am an incredibly social being and it is just really hard knowing that I am in this all by myself.

This may sound unfair to my Hubby, but while we share the sadness about having fertility issues, we are not in the same position. Firstly, it is my body that refuses to cooperate and I feel like a failure. Secondly, we have different priorities and different limits on what we are willing to do to achieve our mutual goal of having a family. Finally, the decision is my hands while he understands it is difficult for me but he is not experiencing the same pressure and internal struggle. On the flip-side there is no way I can fully comprehend the frustration he feels at having his hopes tied up in something completely beyond his control.

I wish I had someone who knows what it feels like, without the need for explanation. I have lots of good friends who empathize and support me, but no one who completely understands. I didn't know it was possible to be surrounded by so many people who love you and would do anything for you and still feel this lonely.

I am not use to being so mopey, I generally have smile on my face and it feels unnatural to be this sad. I can't even fake it. I feel sick everytime I eat, I can't sleep, and I catch myself frowning, slumping my shoulders and daubing my eyes all day. I hate that my brain has become so preoccupied with this. It seems it is all I can talk about.

I know my posts seem a little bi-polar but I really did have fun on the birthday weekend and was able to push it aside for a couple of days. It may have been the rum, it looks like I may have to take up drinking to get any work done!

Cheers!

That was quick!

It is all happening so quickly. I expected a couple of months wait before I got an appointment with the fertility clinic in Halifax but they called today and said they wanted to book me for next week. Fortunately/unfortunately I will be in Montreal with Canknitian and Hubby next week. They also tried to book me on either side of the long weekend which is not going to work because it is the weekend for the big birthday beach bash. So after a bit of back and forth we were able to book the appointment for August 16th.

I know it probably didn’t sound to them like I was a woman desperate to have a baby but I really wasn’t prepared for it to be this quick. I need more time to talk myself into the whole thing. I’m not sure I can do it, the shots, the expense, the super crazy. None of it sounds like any fun! I was just saying last night how nice it was to not feel crazy, I feel more like myself than I have in 3 years! I also have also not been preoccupied obsessing over it all. Oh well, I guess that was short lived because my mind is racing today.

Last weekend we went back up to the in-law’s to help out in the set up for the long weekend. They didn’t let us do much but we did get the two screen houses up and a bench brought up from the basement. I say “we” but unfortunately “I” did not do any of it. Friday night I fell asleep on the loveseat and have been paying for it ever since. I am hoping my back will right itself before our trip to Montreal this weekend, it will be a long 8 hours otherwise.

Sis and Monkey had a great time with us at the beach. Surprisingly the water was warm enough to swim. We had a tiny little fire to roast some marshmallows and watched the neighbours burn everything else that had washed up on shore. Four men from the community were having a farewell party before they left for Afghanistan and in their honour they piled every piece of driftwood on the beach into a giant fire! It was probably the second biggest fire we’ve seen there. The first being the time they set blaze to an old fishing boat that had been hauled up from the bay.

I also hit the mother of all fabric sales on the weekend. The store was going out of business and everything was 75% off. While it was pretty picked over I still managed to get 12 patterns and material for 7 outfits. That does not include the 2 dresses my MIL has commissioned. Looks like I have my work cut out for me!

The FSH Follies(?) - Preface

Some good news – at last! All of your good vibes must have done something. Hubby and I had a long week and a long evening last night. We went to dinner with my cousins and Sis, they all have young children so naturally the conversation was about kids. We made it through the evening but we were exhausted when we got home. I was unwinding in front of the tv when Hubby calls from upstairs.
He: “You have to come up and see this!”
Me: “Sigh” (He says this at least once a night!)
He: No really, it is not like the other times I told you to come see this, I mean you really have to come see this.

He had stopped to check his email before bed and there was an email from his insurance company. Apparently the other day when he called and left a message, he also sent an email to the company before they returned his call. The person who called was not at all helpful and told him they did not cover any fertility treatment.

When he wrote the email, he had asked not only about IVF but also about the coverage for the drugs. The email we got back said that they will cover 80% of all my drugs including the injections of FSH! They won’t cover the needles, appointments or any procedures but the drugs alone are $1000-2000/month. $200-$400 a month is still a lot but it is doable.

Can I get a WHO-HOOO!

What is even better is that because I live in beautiful, wonderful Canada most everything else is covered by Medicare. My doctor here will be administering the program and arranging for my ultrasounds etc. so they will be covered by Medicare. This does not include invitro but hopefully it won’t come to that!

I’m still not 100% convinced I want to do the shots, that could mean a whole new level of crazy. Oh yeah, and I have a HUGE phobia of needles. The doc said he could show me how to do my own – can’t see it happening. He also said he could show Hubby how to do it but I think he’d be worse at it than me. I told him my Sis, the vet tech, has offered to jab me once a day and he laughed and said he could show her how to mix the drugs.
He also said he could have the nurse at his office do it for me and leave a standing order at the hospital for them to give me the shots.

At the very least I will go to Halifax to see the specialists there and see what they recommend. I feel better just knowing I have options, I may not exercise them but at least I have options.

So while we have reached the conclusion of the Clomid Chronicles we may soon begin the FSH Follies. I think the new title is both catchy and appropriately named.

fol·lies
1. A lack of good sense, understanding, or foresight.
2.
a. An act or instance of foolishness
b. A costly undertaking having an absurd or ruinous outcome.
3. follies (used with a sing. or pl. verb) An elaborate theatrical revue consisting of music, dance, and skits.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/follies

The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 4 - The end

This is the end of the Clomid Chronicles, I've finished my last round and barring a miracle in the next few weeks I will not be having a child. I have a wicked case of 'poor me' with a whole lot of "what the hell did I do to deserve this" It is clouding everything and things I would normally take great joy in are just heartbreaking.

I forced myself to keep my weekly library night with the Monkey, its not fair to him to cancel. We are all but 3 books away from our goal of 100 books. I had thought about planning party for the occasion but I'm not feeling festive. I will do something for him but I just can't get excited about it myself. I can't help but feel like I am some pathetic barren aunt with no children of her own so she spoils someone else's kids. Next I'll be adopting 50 cats!

In other good news, on the day I have to give up my hope of a baby, my brother has kids coming out of the woodwork. He tells me that he has finally found his 13 year old son. He knew he had a son but he and the mother had split up when she was pregnant and she wanted to raise him on her own. My brother is only 2 years older than me and he "officially" has three children. He has also reunited with the Mouse's mom.

If you are trying to track the family tree you may get lost in the forest. My "new" nephew is the oldest of my nephew and nieces, he is the same age as my youngest brother and only a few months older than his little sister (don't ask) and 11 years older than his youngest sister (Mouse). In an odd coincidence he is exactly the same age my brother was when he found our father.

Like I said, at another time I would be overjoyed, I am happy for both of them. I have often wondered about him and if I would ever have the chance to meet him. I know it has nothing to do with me but it just feels like another painful reminder that I am the only one in my family who cannot have children. With a number of cousins with due dates in the next few months this will only get harder.

I'm tired of listening to myself mope, kudos to those of you who have read along through the chronicles. I really appreciate the supportive notes, they do help.

The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 3 - Bad News

What a bad, bad, crumby, miserable day. I was right about the Doctor's news - it was all bad. It appears the next few days will mark the end of the Clomid Chronicles. Apparently, I am 1% of his patients that have not had success on these drugs. He told me I was just a tough cookie and the drugs have had little or no impact on my bloodwork. Wile it will be nice to be myself again, eventually, it means the end of the road for my fertility treatments.

Our insurance will not cover any injectable hormones or any IVF treatments. We could afford to do a couple of months but it would mean some serious life changes, set back out house buying plans and cost us thousands of dollars a month on a chance. I'm not sure it is even worth going for the consultation.

Hubby is taking it hard and both of us have been miserable today. I cried at work, in the car, at the doctor's, at home, at pilates, and even at the ice cream parlor. Its is a sad state of affairs when ice cream can't cheer me up. I tried to avoid the two new staff members as best I could with out coming across as rude.

I'm off to bed to finally end the day.

What a week!

As expected, this was a crazy busy week. I am trying to wrap up two publications, we started our audit, and my year end report is due at the end of the month. Just writing about all of the work I did this year makes me tired. On top of all the writing, editing and project management, it turns out I gave my youth justice presentations 30 times to over 1300 people. Whew! I need a vacation.


Unfortunately three things that make this upcoming week look just as busy are the continuation of the financial audit, a dentist appointment, proofs from printers to review, and to make matter worse the boss is gone for the three days before the AGM which means lots of work for EB and me!

Hubby and I had a pretty uneventful weekend considering the chaos around us. Hubby was really hoping I'd surprise him with some good news on Father's Day but sadly that wasn't possible. I did however surprise him with a book he's wanted and a letter saying what a great dad I think he will be some day. As much as these types of holidays get to us our weekend was a breeze compared to the rest of our family.

On Saturday night I got home late and came throught the door at 12:30 to the phone ringing. My brother called to say he had just come home from a business trip to find his girlfriend had taken off with the Mouse! He was frantic and waiting for the police to show up. He was filing a missing person's report and trying to reach her at her mother's place. My sister has since had an email from her saying that she and the baby are fine but not saying where she is. My poor big brother is a wreck and won't leave the house for fear he'll miss her call.

Sunday Hubby called his Dad for Father's Day to find out they had just gotten back from the hospital where his father had surgery on his foot. He had told Hubby on Saturday how he had set up a "hammock district" in anticipation of our long weekend trip with three hammocks for us to use. Apparently that night he was enjoying the fruits of his labour when the hammock he was in came undone and he badly broke his foot in the fall. The rushed him to the hospital 45 minutes away where they did x-rays and then sent him off to a larger hospital 2 hours away for surgery. He know has pins and plates in his foot and will likely have pain the rest of his life. At the least, he is laid up for a few weeks in a cast and will be going snakey.

At this point I'm calling my Papa (step-dad) to find out if he made it back from his sailing trip with his dad and brother before the thunder storm rolled in. Thankfully he had made it back just in time. I was unable to reach my Dad in BC yesterday but I know he's alive because I got an email notice saying he got my e-card.

You know how they say bad things happen in threes? This morning Lil' Sis tells me that the Monkey's grandfather on his Dad's side had lost two fingers in a band saw accident! Good greif!

Myself, I just tried to take it easy this weekend. I read Snow Falling on Cedars which was a terrific book. All of my plans to go biking fell through, Hubby's bike needs a tune-up before he can go and Canknitian and I were rained out on Sunday. I did spend Sunday afternoon with Sis, Hubby and the Monkey enjoying the sun. Actually I was enjoying the shade, Sis was enjoying the sun but she is paying the price for it today.

On the crafty front there hasn't been much going on. I kind of overdid it a bit last weekend and have put the needles down for just a bit. I am anxiously awaiting my swapee for the Virtual Vacation and I have also signed up as a memeber of Team Canada in Dish Rag Tag.

Now it is back to work!

Oh, I should thank Sharon for her comments on my last post. It made me laugh to think I gave someone the impression I was a hard core biker. I am definately not, although I do have a great Schwinn 5-star Cruiser which my hubby refers to as my "Pee-wee Herman bike". (He's just jealous!) I'll have to post a picture of my sweet ride!

A great day!

That's right two posts today. How could I wait I had such a good day. Today started off as a good day from the minute I stepped outside the door! I nearly walked right into the delivery guy who was bringing me my package of goodies from the Spring Felted Bag Exchange! What could I do, I didn't have time to take it back inside and I was certainly not going to wait for tonight to see what was inside so I took it to work!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU Laurie C!

The first thing I noticed was that it was from Georgia and I thought "Hey I know a super cool blogger from Georgia who leaves me wonderful notes!" My suspicions were confirmed by those sneaky Canada Customs people who insist on having the name on the declaration slip.

Look at all the goodies that were in the giant box she sent.

In this very poor phot you can barely make out the Lamb's Pride in Green and the Galaway in Brown that was included. There were two books ( I love the patterns, I will be an expert knitter in no time!), some wool needles with a handy dandy case, tissues with bags on it, a stitch counter, three pink grapefruit scented products and a lovely card.

The small gold pouch on top of the book is my brand new, very first ever beaded stitch holders. My days of stitch holder envy are over thanks to my very generous Swap Pal.

Here you can see the fabulous colours of the yarn.

Thank you again Laurie!

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I told my Director that I would love to get some work done for her today but I was going to have to go home and knit something. She didn't agree. Today was crazy busy workday, I barely got up from my desk all day and as many things as I got done there were twice as many things on my list at the end of the day.

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One of my rare excursions from the office was put together some materials for an order. On my way to the storage room I noticed there was some odd green foam board outside the IT office next door. It did not look like anything you would normally associate with computers and I wondered what it was. When I passed it again on my way back to the office I thought it looked a like something used for sound-proofing (how I know what soundproofing looks like I'm not sure, may be a remnant from my college radio days). Again I thought it was a strange thing to be outside an IT office. I had a fleeting thought that they may be tired of listening to my boss yell into her speaker phone or argue with her research partner.

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Don't get me wrong, I really like my boss, most days. But she is easily frazzled, stamps her feet and swears when something goes wrong and has the most annoying habit of ONLY using speaker phone. There has been an ongoing feud between her and the guy next door. He bangs things agains the wall and sneezes so loud I've had people say they could hear it on my phone. Last year "they" (not sure who "they" were) made her switch her office around so that she was not facing their shared wall when she was yelling into the phone.

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Today was particularly loud as she and her research partner were argueing and both yelling into the speaker phone to the research assistant. It made for a long afternoon but when I stopped in to say goodbye to my boss I noticed that they had actully covered the other side of the wall in sound-proofing- including the windows at the top! I have to say I laughed all the way home. I can only imagine how much complaining he had to do to get them to actually soundproof the office! Too bad they didn't leave enough in the hall to soundproof the other wall which divides her office from mine.

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Tonight I had Pilates, it was a small class with quite a few people missing. Not sure where all my pals were tonight but we had a good time, lots of laughs and enough crunches to ensure that I will not be able to move tomorrow with out calling the instructor names. After class, those of us who were good enough to go to class decided to undo all of the work we had done with a trip to DQ. Mmmm ice cream, my favourite!

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Some of my fellow fertility bloggers have had a rough week this week and my heart goes out to them. It is so hard not to get your hopes up. When the Doc told me there was increased pregnancy rate following the HSG I told myself that I was not going to get my hopes up but I can't help it. I realized today that my hopes are definately up since I have been taking prenatal vitamins faithfully which I never do (stupid horsepills), I have been extra careful about not missing any of my daily pills and taking them at the same time every night. I also made sure that Hubby and I had lots of ... er... um... 'quality time' on the peak days. While I know deep down that it probably will not happen I just can't help thinking that maybe, just maybe this will be the month.

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I had a great comment from Cass today who said she enjoyed reading my rantings. It's good to know I amuse someone other than myself. (I peeked over at your blog, and can't wait to have the chance to look at it closer.)

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Finally, I have set a lunch date for Friday to meet the one and only Miss Me in person. I have finished her felted bag and can hardly wait to meet her and see how she likes it! She posted some pics from the first package on her site. (I forgot to take any pics myself so I'm glad she posted a few.)

All clear and only slightly traumatized.

It's over and done! The HSG was awful and painful but not nearly as bad as I had imagined it to be. And much to my releif there was no freezing involved!

They insisted on taking blood for a pregnancy test although I assured them that after 9 years it would be a bloody miracle if it came back positive. Nothing like adding a little insult to injury eh? Then there was some confusion about who was my doctor and who was doing the proceedure. Dr. M. was unavailable so he had booked me in with another doc in his office who was scheduled to be at the hospital that day. This was news to Dr. L. who insisted that he did not have a patient in today. Once that was straightened out the whole thing did not take very long.

Hubby said it was 7 minutes and 20 seconds from when they kicked him out to when they opened the door. While I was a little upset that he couldn't be with me I was glad he was waiting outside. Apparently some male hospital staffperson was lingering around the exam room and was about to open the door to come in when Hubby stopped him. How mad would I have been to have been exposed to the world! (or at least the waiting room) Somebody would have gotten hurt. Bad enough I had to ask them to close the door before I got on the table.

I wouldn't lie to you, there were parts that were painful and those parts were VERY painful but they were short lived. I had some cramps during and after but all in all I was prepared for much worse. I wouldn't recommend having it done for kicks but if you find yourself in need of one I wouldn't dread it the way I did. I'm still having some cramps a couple of hours later but I am planning to go to my Pilates class tonight.

I was glad I got to watch the screen as it was being done. I got to see the dye filling up and flooding out. (out to where? -I don't want to think about it.) The right side filled and flooded right away and the left side took a bit longer but also flooded. The findings are that there are no blockages and the tubes are all clear!

Now is that good news? Well yes and no. Yes, it is good to know I don't have any cysts or blockages that would require surgery but on the other hand if they found something I'd at least know what the problem was and what was involved in fixing it. As it stands now I'm left with the same diagnosis I've had for the last 3 years - "unexplained infertility".

The Doc did say that there was an increased pregnancy rate immediately after having the test so the odds are better for the next 3 months. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for the next little while.

Thank you soooo much for all of the support in emails and comments. It has been a rough week and this blog has been very theraputic. I wish I had started 3 years ago when I felt like I was the only woman in the world who couldn't have children. Thanks again for taking an interest in my little drama.

They are going to freeze my WHAT!

So I was torturing myself today by reading up on the procedure I'm suppose to have tomorrow. It all sounds terrible but I was interested in reading how other people made out and what their experiences had been. Some said they had nothing more than mild cramps, others would lead you to believe it was hell. So I'm skimming over someone's post about their HSG when a word jumps off the page: Lidocaine.

Suddenly it occurs to me that this means they may be doing some freezing south of the equator, and then the panic. I could barely breathe. I listed in my 7 random things meme was the fact that I am terrified of dentists. This extends to a overall phobia of needles and, in particular, freezing. At Pilates the instructor tries to get us to tighten everything up by telling us to imagine that someone is coming at your "who-ha" with a pin. Well someone may actually try it tomorrow!!! WTF!

Once I started breathing again, thanks to RB who made me laugh in spite of myself, I started reading again and that was the only mention of freezing in connection with the HSG. Now it could just be that everyone assumes you know and the subsequent abdominal pain makes them forget about the freezing but I can't imagine that some of the more detailed overviews would leave something like that out. RB also spoke to someone who had one done at our hospital and they said they did not have any freezing. Whew! Hubby may actually get me through the doors if there is only a chance of freezing. Once they get me on the table it will be a little harder to run away.

Getting back to the "syndrome" I have been thinking about Bambi vs. Godzilla ever since Hubby so delicately pointed out that I was a monster. If you haven't seen this VERY short cartoon it is worth checking out.

Unbelievable Weekend

I have had an "unbelievable" weekend. For instance I did not believe my sister when she told me our friend won $100,000 on a scratch ticket he picked up on his lunch break. I have good reason not to believe her, she is always trying to get people going but it turns out to be true. This friend works for my mother and she confirmed it. He was off to claim his money today.



I also did not believe my Hubby when he told me that there is a named syndrome for the ups and downs I've been having with the Clomid. He said he read it in a pregnancy book dropped off for someone at his work who is expecting. The conversation when like this:



Hubby "This book listed all the side effects that are associated with taking Clomid and they seem to be what you are going through. "


Wifey: (inner dialogue - no s#!t Sherlock I've only been taking it for 3 years, I know the side effects. At least he is reading about it and sounds sympathetic.)


Hubby: They even have a name for the syndrome associated with the mood swings that you have been having.


Wifey: "Really?"


Hubby: "Yeah its called 'Bambi/Hitler Syndrome, you know because you can be Bambi one moment and Hitler the next."


Wifey: (inner dialogue: Is he calling me Hitler? He's NOT calling me Hitler?)
"Are you calling me Hitler? Because you should know that there is a cause and effect thing here - if you call me Hitler I'm going to get upset."


Hubby: "No dear, I'm not calling you Hitler (inner dialogue: ... anymore or at least not out loud. Please stay Bambi, please stay Bambi!) I just thought you'd be interested in knowing that's what they called it.


Wife: I think it was just the author of the book trying to be funny, they can't really call it that.


Hubby: Yeah they could at least call it something like Bambi/Godzilla Syndrome.


Wifey: (inner dialogue - Great to know he thinks of me more as a monster.)


You may also find this unbelievable, but when I later did a Google Search there were not a lot of hits but one in particular jumped out

"The Bambi-Hitler syndrome. Manifestations. Emotional mood swings. Altered perceptions. Similar to PMS, but lasts all month long ..."

Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, & Neonatal Nursing
Volume 20 Issue 4 Page 321 - July 1991

Yes, it is a real medical journal - I checked it out.

Unbelievable.

On the crafty front I still don't have a project. I have taken the advice given and started dishclothes but it just isn't cutting it. I NEED to have the pattern for the fuchsia Noni bag. Only problem is they don't sell it locally, any place I've found in Canada that has it is backordered and the cheapest I can have it shipped from the States is with a flat rate of $12 (for what will be a letter sized envelope. It just seems a little much.

But maybe it's worth it.

Anyone done this bag or any of the other Noni bags? I'd be interested to know how they found the pattern and if they were happy with the way it turned out.

The Clomid Chronicles -Part 2 - Grieving Hope

The birds are chirping so it's official, I have now spent all night crying.

I had a good day, I met a new prof from the law school we went for coffee after the photo op for my Charitable Giving publication and he recommended I do some graduate studies. (An educated nice guy who things I'm brilliant - I must be able to set him up with one of my friends.) I had a snooze in the sun this afternoon on my new swing and spent a lovely evening with friends. The tears were kept to a minium with only a few escapees when giving the girls the update from my appointment.

Tonight I woke up from a dead sleep and in an instant it dawned on me that I had lost my hope of getting pregnant. I immediately started sobbing. Not just a little misty-eyed, full-out pillow stiffling sobs. I have spent all night greiving my hope of a pregnancy. I know there is still a "chance" but I have lost the "hope" that has brought me through 3 years of treatments.

I still don't believe that Hubby and I will always be childless. If the fertility treatments don't work we will eventually adopt but I will first have to greive the loss of hope of a preganancy, of a newborn baby, of having a child with Hubby's eyes and my nose. I have to get over disappointing my hubby, our family and everyone who has been rooting for me.

I read an article about studies on women experiencing infertility and how they were shown to have the same stress levels as women with other medical conditions such as heart disease or HIV. It's little wonder I'm at my wit's end.

I've got to pull myself together try not to look like I've been up all night before I wake the Hubby. Don't get me wrong, he's very supportive and would have sat up with me all night, but he's participating in a fundraiser of a youth program this morning and then off to work so I didn't want to wake him. He'll get the full sob-by-sob replay when he gets home.

Maybe a little Ben and Jerry's Breakfast will start the day right! I've got an ice cream date set up for this afternoon. I probably just need to get back on my doctor approved all ice cream diet.

I also desperately need a new crafting project. I've been unable to pick a project and have gone through all of my pattern books with nothing catching my interest. Fellow crafter's I'm calling on you, I need some recommendations for something quick, satisfying and made with easy to find yarn (preferably from my growing stash) in either knit or crochet.

I know I'm always apologizing for the poor me rants but I really find a lot of comfort in knowing I'm not the only one out there going through this by reading other people's fertility blogs and I hope that someone else may find something helpful in my little meltdowns.

For example, I did crack a smile when I came across the following on the blog "Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies but apparently neither does sex" I hope she doesn't mind that I posted it here but I just had to share!

Clomid Chronicles: Thank Heavens for Little Boys, Friends and Family

Warning:
Those readers just looking for an update on the latest crafty project or swap will probably want to check back in a couple of weeks.

Those readers who enjoy soap operas may want pop some corn and stay tuned for the train wreck that my life is about to become. That’s right it’s time for another installment of the “Clomid Chronicles” Now in 3D (triple dose!)

I had a very disappointing appointment with my Doc yesterday. In fact, the whole ordeal was a disaster. I have been going to see him for three years and so I’ve learned to prepare myself for a waiting room full of pregnant bellies, the posters of mothers with their newborns, pictures of all of the babies delivered by the Doc etc. I’m even prepared for the staff to ask me how many weeks I am and making me announce to the waiting room that I am there because of infertility. I have dealt with all of this repeatedly but yesterday was too much. When I walked into the office there were no less than 10 signs posted that said:

BABY BOOM ALERT!
We are experiencing a Baby Boom and currently have more pregnancies than our doctors typically handle. Please be prepared for delays between appointments as we try to accommodate the larger than normal number of pregnant patients.

It makes perfect sense; we recently had a bunch of soldiers head to Afghanistan (say about 3 months ago) so the baby boom is to be expected. However, my already fragile, infertile brain reads: “EVERYONE IS PREGNANT BUT YOU!” I told the Doc he was killing me with the signs and he agreed that it wasn’t fair.

Then he tells me that the drugs still aren’t working (which I knew) and that he felt he had done all he could do for me. Gulp. I was not prepared for that. I knew that eventually we may have to consider going to see an out-of-province specialist and have to decided how much we could afford or would be willing to spend on more invasive options like IVF. I just was ready for eventually to be today.

The next step will be a hysterosalpingogram (which I’m told is most unpleasant and quite painful) and then waiting for a consultation date in Nova Scotia. In the meantime, I start the 3D dose of Clomid and hope that next month is the month! It gets a little frustrating when 15 babies have been born to friends and family in the 3 years I’ve been taking the crazy pills.

I’m a mess already and I don’t start the pills until tonight. I cried at the Doc’s office, I cried in the car, I cried when I broke the news to Hubby, I cried at pilates, I cried at my sister’s and then went home and cried some more. And oh boy does it show today. Luckily, I scheduled a photo for the Charities press release for tomorrow.

Thank heavens for little boys, friends and family. Canknitian let me cry in the car on the way to Pilates, Monkey made me smile by having a meltdown when I said it was too late to go to the library, Sis fed me cookies and ice cream, The Papa (my step-dad) listened to me talk to Mom about my fallopian tubes without turning red and leaving the room, RB reminded me Nova Scotia = road trip, and Hubby bought me a meter of fabric I wanted to make a bag for myself. (He’s a good man who knows the way to a crafter’s heart.)

I really am trying to pull myself out of this but I fear the Clomid will make that pretty hard in the next few days so bear with me!

Mother's Day

Nothing makes me feel more like a Grinch than Mother’s Day. Yes I certainly appreciate all the mothers in my life. No one has more mothers and grandmothers than I do. (That would be 11 mothers, stepmothers and grandmothers) I appreciate them but it is just too hard to celebrate Mother’s Day.

Mrs. Grinch hated Mother’s Day!
The whole crumby season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be the Clomid – (her head wasn't screwed on quite right)
It could be, perhaps, that her tubes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her womb was two sizes too small.

I feel terrible not being able to keep my emotions in check but it is just such a big trigger. Our family tradition has always been to go out for brunch or dinner together. The first Mother’s day after my diagnosis was not so bad because I was still filled with hope and convinced that any day I would be pregnant. As the years go by it is getting more and more hopeless and harder and harder to sit around a table where every other woman receives cards, flowers and gifts. The well-meaning waitress comes with the handful of flowers or chocolates and asks who the mothers at our table are. It is just a painful reminder that I am the only woman in my family who does not have children.

This year I skipped the cards – Mother’s day cards are a whole other level of torture. Last year I left the store in tears. Instead, Monkey and I potted some flowers for all the Moms and Grandmas who live nearby.

I’ve tried to think of the best way to describe why Mother’s Day is hard for infertile women. Most people don’t get it and think it is just being self-centered but it is not that you don’t want others to have a Happy Mother’s Day but you can’t help but feel sorry for yourself. The whole day is a celebration of the one thing you can’t have. The weeks leading up to Mother’s Day every commercial advertises how great it is to be a they are daily reminders that you are a barren old hag and while 95% of women have a child or could have a child you can’t no matter how badly you want to.

Mother's Day - Bah, Humbug!

I had the time of my life...

Tonight I went to see Dirty Dancing on the big screen. As part of the 20th anniversary of the film (and to promote the stage show coming to Toronto) they are showing it for two nights. Both days were sold out by supper, luckily I went after work and pick up tickets for me and the girls. I think we counted 3 brave men in sea of women. I had never seen it on the big screen, it was a blast! I can't imagine how many times I have seen the movie, I also played the soundtrack to death.

It makes me miss going out dancing. I remember the days when I spent every Thursday night to Sunday morning on the dancefloor. There is not really any place for adults to go dancing here. It is a university town and the bars are filled with young skinny half-naked girls. It is hard to feel as confident as we did 10 years ago.

The crazies have all but passed and I am feeling much more like myself again. I had a slight set back when my Dr. left a message saying he was increasing the dose again. Poor Hubby may not survive "Triple Crazy". If I set up a swear jar I may save a fortune next month.

All of my friends have recently discovered Facebook. What a blast finding old friends and seeing the pictures people post. One thing I can say is that we have a lot of fun. Hubby and I have a great group of friends who are up for anything and we are always planning some adventure, costume party or ways to improve our annual birthday bash on the beach. (Less than 100 days to go - I can hear the hammock calling my name.)

I think I've come to a decision on the job front. I've decided that it is worth keeping a job that I love until I find a job that at least interests me and pays better. I have so many friends that are bailing on high paying firm jobs because they hate going to work everyday. While I would prefer to work from home any day I have to say that I don't dread going to work. Besides, if I leave who is going to scare the pants off of the kids by telling them what will happen if they break the law. Also, I am the only lawyer in the province, and possibly the country who has their own handy dandy prize wheel.




As you can see from the photo the prize wheel can also be used to encourage bad behaviour!

Infertility and God

There must be a great comfort in religion. I envy people who have the benefit of a true and complete belief that there is someone looking over them and if they are good and if they are patient every thing will work out in the end. Ever since I can remember I have questioned faith, at bible camp I was the kid asking “If in the beginning there was the “Word” then where did the word come from?” I’ve never had faith.

Hubby is a good Catholic boy, by which I mean he attends Mass more frequently than most of my friends. Most of my friends and family have religion and faith and part of their understanding of life and the world. There is a lot about religion that appeals to me the support network, volunteerism, optimism, and the reassurance of a guiding force. I could easily slip into religion, except for the fact that I don’t believe.

In the midst of my Clomid Craze I find myself once again searching the internet for a kindred spirit, someone who has been faced with the same decisions with regards to fertility and adoption. As an agnostic I can’t help but notice the number of references to “God’s Plan” and prayer. The common belief that “Everything happens for a reason” just does not work for me.

It seems like a small thing but when you are trying to make sense of something as big as infertility there is a fundamental difference in how you rationalize things and how you decide enough is enough. I recently came upon this short story “A Mom Wannabe”, I identify so strongly with this woman except for the part where she is comforted by her faith.

I’m tired of being a Mom Wannabe. I enjoy being the favourite Aunt and spoiling everyone else’s kids but it does not replace the desire to be parent. I often wonder if it comes across as pathetic, spending so much time and affection on other people’s kids, trying desperately to fill the void. Everyone comments on how great it is that I am so close with my nephew and I love being an Aunt, but I really want to be a Mom and a favourite Aunt.