Infertility and God

There must be a great comfort in religion. I envy people who have the benefit of a true and complete belief that there is someone looking over them and if they are good and if they are patient every thing will work out in the end. Ever since I can remember I have questioned faith, at bible camp I was the kid asking “If in the beginning there was the “Word” then where did the word come from?” I’ve never had faith.

Hubby is a good Catholic boy, by which I mean he attends Mass more frequently than most of my friends. Most of my friends and family have religion and faith and part of their understanding of life and the world. There is a lot about religion that appeals to me the support network, volunteerism, optimism, and the reassurance of a guiding force. I could easily slip into religion, except for the fact that I don’t believe.

In the midst of my Clomid Craze I find myself once again searching the internet for a kindred spirit, someone who has been faced with the same decisions with regards to fertility and adoption. As an agnostic I can’t help but notice the number of references to “God’s Plan” and prayer. The common belief that “Everything happens for a reason” just does not work for me.

It seems like a small thing but when you are trying to make sense of something as big as infertility there is a fundamental difference in how you rationalize things and how you decide enough is enough. I recently came upon this short story “A Mom Wannabe”, I identify so strongly with this woman except for the part where she is comforted by her faith.

I’m tired of being a Mom Wannabe. I enjoy being the favourite Aunt and spoiling everyone else’s kids but it does not replace the desire to be parent. I often wonder if it comes across as pathetic, spending so much time and affection on other people’s kids, trying desperately to fill the void. Everyone comments on how great it is that I am so close with my nephew and I love being an Aunt, but I really want to be a Mom and a favourite Aunt.