October in a nutshell

Where did October go?

Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since I have updated my blog. There has been a lot going on and I just can’t believe that it is already November. The missing month has had some ups and some downs and I will try to catch you up as quickly as possible. The key word for October has been BUSY!

Let’s get the bad stuff right out of the way.

Halloween kicked off what is sadly become a string of funerals. Last week began with the loss of my Great Uncle, the funeral was on Wednesday. Thursday, a group of girls traveled out of town to support a friend at her grandmother’s funeral, and Friday my cousin’s partner committed suicide leaving her a single mother to their young son. I also found out my grandmother is not well and will not strong enough to undergo the surgery required to save her life. While, she is technically my “ex-step-grandmother” she has been a grandparent to me since I was 8 years old. She lives with my “ex-stepmother” and my little brother and the coming months will be very hard on all of them.

I think part of the reason I have been avoiding updating my blog is that I was really hoping to have some good news. I must start by saying I am feeling much more like myself now that all of the fertility drugs are out of my system. I am not so easily upset and feel sane again. Although I think Christmas will still be a challenge, I am beginning to accept that life will go on with out a pregnancy.

This acceptance was spurred on by the fact that Hubby and I were approached about a private adoption. We kept our fingers crossed; our lips sealed and tried not to get our hopes up too much. Sadly, in taking the time to weigh their options the family let things get too and the girl is now in protective custody. Private adoption is no longer an option and an inter-provincial adoption would be complicated and too lengthy to be in the girl’s best interest. While we completely understand how and why things worked out the way they have, Hubby and I can’t help but be disappointed, both for the girl and for ourselves.

So eventually it will be back to the drawing board to consider the rest of our options, in the meantime November does not show any signs of slowing down and we will likely be full-tilt until the New Year.

Work has been very hectic and I am currently writing three publications which have to be printed by January, including the rewrite of a 100 page book. So far things are chugging along but I have not had a spare moment. I have also been preparing for workshops on reporting forms for charities – thrilling stuff. My first workshop was on Friday and you know it is bad when you nearly put yourself to sleep.

I have been practicing many of my unmarketable skills in the last month. I did a wedding cake for a fall wedding. I don’t often do cakes for people I don’t know but I was asked by my cousin and despite my concerns, the bride and groom were both thrilled with the way it turned out. I wish I had better pictures but these should give you a general idea.

I have also been at my sewing machine working on a beautiful prom dress. Next weekend is our annual “prom” weekend. Friends host a yearly theme party and this year it is a 50’s Prom in Halifax. While I would not usually go to such great lengths for a theme party, I was able to get a great deal on the fabric and pattern when a fabric store went out of business and I think the dress could easily be used again on New Year’s or some other event. I will post pictures when I finish mine later this week but here is the pattern:

Thanksgiving gave me the opportunity to make one of my favourite cakes – Princeton Orange Cake. We had a large family gathering with 15 for dinner. Later that week Monkey and I made apple crisp with apples we picked ourselves. We had a great time picking apples again and the Cortlands were finally ready! My sis has discovered that if you make a chunky applesauce with cinnamon, sprinkle granola on top and toss in it the microwave for a bit it tastes like apple crisp. Yummy! I have been eating a lot of “apple crisp” for breakfast.

Hubby and I went to a friend’s Halloween house party. There were a lot of great costumes. My friend and I went as inmates at a Women’s Prison, I would post the pictures but I’m afraid there are already far too many unflattering photos of me in my prison orange dress floating around out there. Yikes!

I have been collecting goodies for the ladies at the transition house and my spare room is starting to fill up with items for the 8 Christmas gift baskets. I will have to start checking my list to see who I have left to buy for this Christmas. We have managed to get a Guitar Hero game for my little brother and he will soooo excited. Hubby bought a copy for the Wii and we have been playing it quite a bit. It is a lot of fun.

Some November good news!
My cousin finally had her baby boy and both are healthy and happy. He has beautiful red hair and 5 names. K.P.R.M.W. is going to make even initialing something a chore.

My little brother was in town this weekend to accept his Chief Scout Award from the "Left-handed" Governor. (Lieutenant Governor). The award ceremony was held at the Legislature and there was a reception at the "Left-handed" Governor's home. I was very proud of him, I gave him the only gift I could be sure a 13 year old boy would appreciate - money.

Knitter's Virtual Vacation Swap

Okay so I'm hooked! I've signed up for another swap. The Knitter's Virtual Vacation Swap.
I have already started collecting goodies from NB for the lucky swapee. I just love the idea of showing off some of my New Brunswick pride!

If you could visit any state in the US which would it be and why?
Tough question, I’d like to go someplace warm but without the touristy hype of Florida or California. (Okay maybe Hawaii) I prefer small towns and isolated beaches to big cities. Oh and of course, someplace with great yarn shops! Any recommendations?

If you could visit any country in the world, other than your own, which would it be and why?
No fair, there is still so much of Canada I have yet to see! But if you insist, I’d say Greece because I did my undergrad in Classics and would like to actually see the places, art and architecture I studied first hand. I missed out on a trip last year with friends because the booked 7 months in advance and I was really hoping to be pregnant by then. I really regret missing out on the opportunity.

Have you ever driven across several states/provinces/countries?
Yes! Most driving in one day took us from New Brunswick to Toronto and back as far as Montreal. Okay so it was more of a day and a half when we arrived in Montreal at 2am. I also took a bus trip to Boston in high school. I would love to drive all the way across Canada someday.

Have you ever visited someplace you consider exotic? Where was it?
Nope, the furthest south I’ve been is Florida. I am planning a trip someplace tropical next April.

What was your favourite “travel” vacation?
I had a really good time in the Rockies last year with Hubby.

Have you ever played tourist in you own home city/state?
Every year we hit our favourite vacation destination with up to 30 of our closest friends. Our own beach on the sunny shores of Anse-Bleue, New Brunswick! My in-laws graciously host a long weekend birthday celebration and turn their backyard into a tent city. There are 408 people who live in Anse-Bleue a tiny French community on the Baie de Chaleur. Our annual pilgrimage increases the population by at least 5% for August.

Are you a museum visitor, beach comber or an amusement seeker?
I am more of a Beachcomber (couldn’t resist the link) but I do love a museum. When Hubby was in the hospital in Toronto I spent a lot of time at the Royal Ontario Museum.

What is your favourite type of yarn?
While I have to give a shout-out to the local Briggs and Little, I love the bright colours of the Paton’s Classics.

What is your least favourite type of yarn?
That eyelash crap.

What items do you like to knit/crochet?
I’m on a felted bag kick. (like everyone else) but I am learning to knit socks and mitts.

What do you pack, knit/crochet wise when you go on vacation?
I pack my big orange knitter’s tote with a couple of different projects because I never know what I’ll be in the mood for.

What other crafts do you do/would like to do other than knit or crochet?
I like to try just about everything (thus the 101 unmarketable skills) I have yet to try rug hooking but a friend as taken it up and I’m not sure how long I can resist before trying it.

Are you allergic to anything? (yarn wise or treat wise)
Nope!

What is your favorite color? Least favorite?
My favourite colours are lilacs and sages. My least favourite is peach.

Sweet or Savory (Treat not personality)?
Sweet, Sweet, Sweet!

Anything we are forgetting to ask that you think your partner desperately needs to know?
No, if there is anything you need to know just ask!

The Clomid Chronicles -Part 2 - Grieving Hope

The birds are chirping so it's official, I have now spent all night crying.

I had a good day, I met a new prof from the law school we went for coffee after the photo op for my Charitable Giving publication and he recommended I do some graduate studies. (An educated nice guy who things I'm brilliant - I must be able to set him up with one of my friends.) I had a snooze in the sun this afternoon on my new swing and spent a lovely evening with friends. The tears were kept to a minium with only a few escapees when giving the girls the update from my appointment.

Tonight I woke up from a dead sleep and in an instant it dawned on me that I had lost my hope of getting pregnant. I immediately started sobbing. Not just a little misty-eyed, full-out pillow stiffling sobs. I have spent all night greiving my hope of a pregnancy. I know there is still a "chance" but I have lost the "hope" that has brought me through 3 years of treatments.

I still don't believe that Hubby and I will always be childless. If the fertility treatments don't work we will eventually adopt but I will first have to greive the loss of hope of a preganancy, of a newborn baby, of having a child with Hubby's eyes and my nose. I have to get over disappointing my hubby, our family and everyone who has been rooting for me.

I read an article about studies on women experiencing infertility and how they were shown to have the same stress levels as women with other medical conditions such as heart disease or HIV. It's little wonder I'm at my wit's end.

I've got to pull myself together try not to look like I've been up all night before I wake the Hubby. Don't get me wrong, he's very supportive and would have sat up with me all night, but he's participating in a fundraiser of a youth program this morning and then off to work so I didn't want to wake him. He'll get the full sob-by-sob replay when he gets home.

Maybe a little Ben and Jerry's Breakfast will start the day right! I've got an ice cream date set up for this afternoon. I probably just need to get back on my doctor approved all ice cream diet.

I also desperately need a new crafting project. I've been unable to pick a project and have gone through all of my pattern books with nothing catching my interest. Fellow crafter's I'm calling on you, I need some recommendations for something quick, satisfying and made with easy to find yarn (preferably from my growing stash) in either knit or crochet.

I know I'm always apologizing for the poor me rants but I really find a lot of comfort in knowing I'm not the only one out there going through this by reading other people's fertility blogs and I hope that someone else may find something helpful in my little meltdowns.

For example, I did crack a smile when I came across the following on the blog "Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies but apparently neither does sex" I hope she doesn't mind that I posted it here but I just had to share!

Mother's Day

Nothing makes me feel more like a Grinch than Mother’s Day. Yes I certainly appreciate all the mothers in my life. No one has more mothers and grandmothers than I do. (That would be 11 mothers, stepmothers and grandmothers) I appreciate them but it is just too hard to celebrate Mother’s Day.

Mrs. Grinch hated Mother’s Day!
The whole crumby season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be the Clomid – (her head wasn't screwed on quite right)
It could be, perhaps, that her tubes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her womb was two sizes too small.

I feel terrible not being able to keep my emotions in check but it is just such a big trigger. Our family tradition has always been to go out for brunch or dinner together. The first Mother’s day after my diagnosis was not so bad because I was still filled with hope and convinced that any day I would be pregnant. As the years go by it is getting more and more hopeless and harder and harder to sit around a table where every other woman receives cards, flowers and gifts. The well-meaning waitress comes with the handful of flowers or chocolates and asks who the mothers at our table are. It is just a painful reminder that I am the only woman in my family who does not have children.

This year I skipped the cards – Mother’s day cards are a whole other level of torture. Last year I left the store in tears. Instead, Monkey and I potted some flowers for all the Moms and Grandmas who live nearby.

I’ve tried to think of the best way to describe why Mother’s Day is hard for infertile women. Most people don’t get it and think it is just being self-centered but it is not that you don’t want others to have a Happy Mother’s Day but you can’t help but feel sorry for yourself. The whole day is a celebration of the one thing you can’t have. The weeks leading up to Mother’s Day every commercial advertises how great it is to be a they are daily reminders that you are a barren old hag and while 95% of women have a child or could have a child you can’t no matter how badly you want to.

Mother's Day - Bah, Humbug!

How many nerve endings are there in a big toe?

I've got an "owie". I had a biopsy done on a mole that magically appeared on the inside of my big toe. The proceedure itself was quick and (aside from the freezing)very painless. I am certain that the doctor was laughing to herself when I left saying -"That wasn't so bad!" I somehow forgot that the toe was still frozen.

Every little bump sends a sharp pain down my foot. The other night Hubby accidentally sat on it and I screamed like I was being stabbed. (Should I be concerned that none of the neighbours came to see if I was okay?) I generally don't take as much as an asprin but I've been popping Motrin like Pez.

My biggest problem is footwear. My bandaged foot will not fit into any of my shoes! Even my Crocs are a stretch and I can only get my foot in without a sock on it. While we did have a nice day yesterday, it has generally been cold and wet - simply not the weather for barefeet in holey shoes.

Facebook is evil. Okay, its not really evil it is just very, very addictive. There is a certain satisfaction in finding someone that you have not seen in years. I started a group for my law school grad class and nearly 20 of the 70-some grads have signed up.

Touching base with my classmates has confirmed that not a lot of us have stayed in private practice. A few have moved into in-house positions with companies, others are working for government and there are a few like me who have gone to work at non-profit organizations. The number of people who are actually practicing law in a law firm is surprising low.

On the crafty front, I have crocheted a cute little purse with a seed stitch and cute little puffs. I will post a pic once I have found a buckle for it.