In a week where I have more work to do than I can possibly get done in three days I am finding it impossible to focus. I am absolutely terrified about my trip to the fertility clinic in Halifax. I'm not even sure what I'm worried about, we are just going for a consultation.
I think it may mostly be the weight of the decision to be made. I feel pressure on all sides, I know Hubby is desperately hoping I will agree to take the next step, my family thinks I've been through enough and I stuck in the middle not sure what I want and not ready to disappoint anyone. I know the decision is my own and I have to do what is right for me but I find it impossible to block out how my decision affects Hubby.
It has just been a rough week all around, work pressure topped with and lots of pregnancy related news, photos and shower invitations for family and friends. In fact, one cousin is having her third baby as I write. As much as it is comforting to read the blogs of others struggling with infertility, I still find that I feel incredibly alone. I don't have any friends who are in the same boat as I am, not that I would wish it on them. I am an incredibly social being and it is just really hard knowing that I am in this all by myself.
This may sound unfair to my Hubby, but while we share the sadness about having fertility issues, we are not in the same position. Firstly, it is my body that refuses to cooperate and I feel like a failure. Secondly, we have different priorities and different limits on what we are willing to do to achieve our mutual goal of having a family. Finally, the decision is my hands while he understands it is difficult for me but he is not experiencing the same pressure and internal struggle. On the flip-side there is no way I can fully comprehend the frustration he feels at having his hopes tied up in something completely beyond his control.
I wish I had someone who knows what it feels like, without the need for explanation. I have lots of good friends who empathize and support me, but no one who completely understands. I didn't know it was possible to be surrounded by so many people who love you and would do anything for you and still feel this lonely.
I am not use to being so mopey, I generally have smile on my face and it feels unnatural to be this sad. I can't even fake it. I feel sick everytime I eat, I can't sleep, and I catch myself frowning, slumping my shoulders and daubing my eyes all day. I hate that my brain has become so preoccupied with this. It seems it is all I can talk about.
I know my posts seem a little bi-polar but I really did have fun on the birthday weekend and was able to push it aside for a couple of days. It may have been the rum, it looks like I may have to take up drinking to get any work done!
Cheers!
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3 comments:
I wish there was something I could say or do. A couple years ago I had some very scary health issues. I felt the same as you - scared and lonely yet loved and supported. People couldn't understand what I was going through because they were not the ones going through it. Very hard.
Keep talking about it. Eventually you will find the strength and help to get you through it.
And, you need to make a decision based on you and your husband's feelings. Ultimately it is your decision - just be sure that whatever you decide you will be at minimal risk. Your gut will guide you, sometimes it just takes the courage to take a stand about what you know is right for you.
you'll do what's right for yourself and hubby. follow your heart and be true to what it tells you.
(p.s. don't forget to check out the yarn stores in halifax - if you have time that is...)
I have nothing to offer but {{{{HUGS}}}}.
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