All clear and only slightly traumatized.

It's over and done! The HSG was awful and painful but not nearly as bad as I had imagined it to be. And much to my releif there was no freezing involved!

They insisted on taking blood for a pregnancy test although I assured them that after 9 years it would be a bloody miracle if it came back positive. Nothing like adding a little insult to injury eh? Then there was some confusion about who was my doctor and who was doing the proceedure. Dr. M. was unavailable so he had booked me in with another doc in his office who was scheduled to be at the hospital that day. This was news to Dr. L. who insisted that he did not have a patient in today. Once that was straightened out the whole thing did not take very long.

Hubby said it was 7 minutes and 20 seconds from when they kicked him out to when they opened the door. While I was a little upset that he couldn't be with me I was glad he was waiting outside. Apparently some male hospital staffperson was lingering around the exam room and was about to open the door to come in when Hubby stopped him. How mad would I have been to have been exposed to the world! (or at least the waiting room) Somebody would have gotten hurt. Bad enough I had to ask them to close the door before I got on the table.

I wouldn't lie to you, there were parts that were painful and those parts were VERY painful but they were short lived. I had some cramps during and after but all in all I was prepared for much worse. I wouldn't recommend having it done for kicks but if you find yourself in need of one I wouldn't dread it the way I did. I'm still having some cramps a couple of hours later but I am planning to go to my Pilates class tonight.

I was glad I got to watch the screen as it was being done. I got to see the dye filling up and flooding out. (out to where? -I don't want to think about it.) The right side filled and flooded right away and the left side took a bit longer but also flooded. The findings are that there are no blockages and the tubes are all clear!

Now is that good news? Well yes and no. Yes, it is good to know I don't have any cysts or blockages that would require surgery but on the other hand if they found something I'd at least know what the problem was and what was involved in fixing it. As it stands now I'm left with the same diagnosis I've had for the last 3 years - "unexplained infertility".

The Doc did say that there was an increased pregnancy rate immediately after having the test so the odds are better for the next 3 months. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for the next little while.

Thank you soooo much for all of the support in emails and comments. It has been a rough week and this blog has been very theraputic. I wish I had started 3 years ago when I felt like I was the only woman in the world who couldn't have children. Thanks again for taking an interest in my little drama.

They are going to freeze my WHAT!

So I was torturing myself today by reading up on the procedure I'm suppose to have tomorrow. It all sounds terrible but I was interested in reading how other people made out and what their experiences had been. Some said they had nothing more than mild cramps, others would lead you to believe it was hell. So I'm skimming over someone's post about their HSG when a word jumps off the page: Lidocaine.

Suddenly it occurs to me that this means they may be doing some freezing south of the equator, and then the panic. I could barely breathe. I listed in my 7 random things meme was the fact that I am terrified of dentists. This extends to a overall phobia of needles and, in particular, freezing. At Pilates the instructor tries to get us to tighten everything up by telling us to imagine that someone is coming at your "who-ha" with a pin. Well someone may actually try it tomorrow!!! WTF!

Once I started breathing again, thanks to RB who made me laugh in spite of myself, I started reading again and that was the only mention of freezing in connection with the HSG. Now it could just be that everyone assumes you know and the subsequent abdominal pain makes them forget about the freezing but I can't imagine that some of the more detailed overviews would leave something like that out. RB also spoke to someone who had one done at our hospital and they said they did not have any freezing. Whew! Hubby may actually get me through the doors if there is only a chance of freezing. Once they get me on the table it will be a little harder to run away.

Getting back to the "syndrome" I have been thinking about Bambi vs. Godzilla ever since Hubby so delicately pointed out that I was a monster. If you haven't seen this VERY short cartoon it is worth checking out.

Unbelievable Weekend

I have had an "unbelievable" weekend. For instance I did not believe my sister when she told me our friend won $100,000 on a scratch ticket he picked up on his lunch break. I have good reason not to believe her, she is always trying to get people going but it turns out to be true. This friend works for my mother and she confirmed it. He was off to claim his money today.



I also did not believe my Hubby when he told me that there is a named syndrome for the ups and downs I've been having with the Clomid. He said he read it in a pregnancy book dropped off for someone at his work who is expecting. The conversation when like this:



Hubby "This book listed all the side effects that are associated with taking Clomid and they seem to be what you are going through. "


Wifey: (inner dialogue - no s#!t Sherlock I've only been taking it for 3 years, I know the side effects. At least he is reading about it and sounds sympathetic.)


Hubby: They even have a name for the syndrome associated with the mood swings that you have been having.


Wifey: "Really?"


Hubby: "Yeah its called 'Bambi/Hitler Syndrome, you know because you can be Bambi one moment and Hitler the next."


Wifey: (inner dialogue: Is he calling me Hitler? He's NOT calling me Hitler?)
"Are you calling me Hitler? Because you should know that there is a cause and effect thing here - if you call me Hitler I'm going to get upset."


Hubby: "No dear, I'm not calling you Hitler (inner dialogue: ... anymore or at least not out loud. Please stay Bambi, please stay Bambi!) I just thought you'd be interested in knowing that's what they called it.


Wife: I think it was just the author of the book trying to be funny, they can't really call it that.


Hubby: Yeah they could at least call it something like Bambi/Godzilla Syndrome.


Wifey: (inner dialogue - Great to know he thinks of me more as a monster.)


You may also find this unbelievable, but when I later did a Google Search there were not a lot of hits but one in particular jumped out

"The Bambi-Hitler syndrome. Manifestations. Emotional mood swings. Altered perceptions. Similar to PMS, but lasts all month long ..."

Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, & Neonatal Nursing
Volume 20 Issue 4 Page 321 - July 1991

Yes, it is a real medical journal - I checked it out.

Unbelievable.

On the crafty front I still don't have a project. I have taken the advice given and started dishclothes but it just isn't cutting it. I NEED to have the pattern for the fuchsia Noni bag. Only problem is they don't sell it locally, any place I've found in Canada that has it is backordered and the cheapest I can have it shipped from the States is with a flat rate of $12 (for what will be a letter sized envelope. It just seems a little much.

But maybe it's worth it.

Anyone done this bag or any of the other Noni bags? I'd be interested to know how they found the pattern and if they were happy with the way it turned out.

The Clomid Chronicles -Part 2 - Grieving Hope

The birds are chirping so it's official, I have now spent all night crying.

I had a good day, I met a new prof from the law school we went for coffee after the photo op for my Charitable Giving publication and he recommended I do some graduate studies. (An educated nice guy who things I'm brilliant - I must be able to set him up with one of my friends.) I had a snooze in the sun this afternoon on my new swing and spent a lovely evening with friends. The tears were kept to a minium with only a few escapees when giving the girls the update from my appointment.

Tonight I woke up from a dead sleep and in an instant it dawned on me that I had lost my hope of getting pregnant. I immediately started sobbing. Not just a little misty-eyed, full-out pillow stiffling sobs. I have spent all night greiving my hope of a pregnancy. I know there is still a "chance" but I have lost the "hope" that has brought me through 3 years of treatments.

I still don't believe that Hubby and I will always be childless. If the fertility treatments don't work we will eventually adopt but I will first have to greive the loss of hope of a preganancy, of a newborn baby, of having a child with Hubby's eyes and my nose. I have to get over disappointing my hubby, our family and everyone who has been rooting for me.

I read an article about studies on women experiencing infertility and how they were shown to have the same stress levels as women with other medical conditions such as heart disease or HIV. It's little wonder I'm at my wit's end.

I've got to pull myself together try not to look like I've been up all night before I wake the Hubby. Don't get me wrong, he's very supportive and would have sat up with me all night, but he's participating in a fundraiser of a youth program this morning and then off to work so I didn't want to wake him. He'll get the full sob-by-sob replay when he gets home.

Maybe a little Ben and Jerry's Breakfast will start the day right! I've got an ice cream date set up for this afternoon. I probably just need to get back on my doctor approved all ice cream diet.

I also desperately need a new crafting project. I've been unable to pick a project and have gone through all of my pattern books with nothing catching my interest. Fellow crafter's I'm calling on you, I need some recommendations for something quick, satisfying and made with easy to find yarn (preferably from my growing stash) in either knit or crochet.

I know I'm always apologizing for the poor me rants but I really find a lot of comfort in knowing I'm not the only one out there going through this by reading other people's fertility blogs and I hope that someone else may find something helpful in my little meltdowns.

For example, I did crack a smile when I came across the following on the blog "Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies but apparently neither does sex" I hope she doesn't mind that I posted it here but I just had to share!

Crafty Goodness

Okay, enough with the doom and gloom and poor barren me. We now return you to our regular crafty goodness.

Meet "Jacques the Monkey"!

My Hubby spotted this as I was flipping through a friend's Happy Hooker book and insisted that I make him one for his new toy, a MP3 and video player. Only he wanted it in "monkey colours" and not the purple it was shown in. I got the idea from the book but just winged it rather than following the pattern.

The back is clear vinyl and will protect the screen while still allowing him to use the MP3 player and watch his videos.

Apparently Jacques is quite a hit at his work and he suspects I'll have some requests to make different animals for some of his co-workers.

Today is suppose to be 33 degrees and Hubby and I put together a swing for the deck that flops out like a futon. I just hope the rain clears up early enough for me to sit out this afternoon.

I almost forgot (okay I did forget and came back to edit the post) I owe Miss Me a list of 7 random things about me.

1. I have created the perfect PMS snack - a peanutbutter, chocolate spread and raspberry jam sandwich. It is both salty and sweet and filling. I swear, by the time you've finished your fifth sandwich you'll have no room for other junk food.

2. I have never made a penny on a my wedding cakes. I don't do very many and I consider the work that goes into them to be a gift to the bride and groom. My first wedding cake was 7 cakes with hundreds of icing daisies. It took 10 hours just to decorate it.

3. I have been with my Francophone Hubby for 13 years and still can not speak French

4. I spent an obscene amount of money on legal robes, tabs, vest, skirt etc. and wore it only once - to my Bar admission ceremony.

5. I would like to visit every province and territory in Canada. Still have British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Newfoundland, Yukon, Northwest Territories, and Nunavut left to see.

6. I am seriously afraid of Dentists and need medication to get me in the door.

7. I am an unabashed car singer. I love to sing but couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, only those who are brave enough to travel with me are subjected to my crooning.

(I'll have to check to see who has not been tagged)

Clomid Chronicles: Thank Heavens for Little Boys, Friends and Family

Warning:
Those readers just looking for an update on the latest crafty project or swap will probably want to check back in a couple of weeks.

Those readers who enjoy soap operas may want pop some corn and stay tuned for the train wreck that my life is about to become. That’s right it’s time for another installment of the “Clomid Chronicles” Now in 3D (triple dose!)

I had a very disappointing appointment with my Doc yesterday. In fact, the whole ordeal was a disaster. I have been going to see him for three years and so I’ve learned to prepare myself for a waiting room full of pregnant bellies, the posters of mothers with their newborns, pictures of all of the babies delivered by the Doc etc. I’m even prepared for the staff to ask me how many weeks I am and making me announce to the waiting room that I am there because of infertility. I have dealt with all of this repeatedly but yesterday was too much. When I walked into the office there were no less than 10 signs posted that said:

BABY BOOM ALERT!
We are experiencing a Baby Boom and currently have more pregnancies than our doctors typically handle. Please be prepared for delays between appointments as we try to accommodate the larger than normal number of pregnant patients.

It makes perfect sense; we recently had a bunch of soldiers head to Afghanistan (say about 3 months ago) so the baby boom is to be expected. However, my already fragile, infertile brain reads: “EVERYONE IS PREGNANT BUT YOU!” I told the Doc he was killing me with the signs and he agreed that it wasn’t fair.

Then he tells me that the drugs still aren’t working (which I knew) and that he felt he had done all he could do for me. Gulp. I was not prepared for that. I knew that eventually we may have to consider going to see an out-of-province specialist and have to decided how much we could afford or would be willing to spend on more invasive options like IVF. I just was ready for eventually to be today.

The next step will be a hysterosalpingogram (which I’m told is most unpleasant and quite painful) and then waiting for a consultation date in Nova Scotia. In the meantime, I start the 3D dose of Clomid and hope that next month is the month! It gets a little frustrating when 15 babies have been born to friends and family in the 3 years I’ve been taking the crazy pills.

I’m a mess already and I don’t start the pills until tonight. I cried at the Doc’s office, I cried in the car, I cried when I broke the news to Hubby, I cried at pilates, I cried at my sister’s and then went home and cried some more. And oh boy does it show today. Luckily, I scheduled a photo for the Charities press release for tomorrow.

Thank heavens for little boys, friends and family. Canknitian let me cry in the car on the way to Pilates, Monkey made me smile by having a meltdown when I said it was too late to go to the library, Sis fed me cookies and ice cream, The Papa (my step-dad) listened to me talk to Mom about my fallopian tubes without turning red and leaving the room, RB reminded me Nova Scotia = road trip, and Hubby bought me a meter of fabric I wanted to make a bag for myself. (He’s a good man who knows the way to a crafter’s heart.)

I really am trying to pull myself out of this but I fear the Clomid will make that pretty hard in the next few days so bear with me!

Book Challange is a grand success!

The book challenge seems to be a great success. Monkey is so excited when I stopped by last night to mend a CareBear (Aunt Teecee fixes things)he came running with a pile of books. When I told him we could read two books and that would bring us up to 14 he started dancing around singing and counting to 14. He has even asked to go to the library early this week and so I will be taking him tonight - who can resist a request like that! (Shh, don't tell the monkey but we are also going to see Shrek tonight!)

I was trying to think of the best way to track our progress, since Monkey can't read a list is a little useless to him. I decided to create a blog with images of the book covers so he can see the ones we have read and remember the story from the cover. I've had many emails and comments on this book challenge and anyone interested in following our progress can visit Teecee and Monkey's Reading Challenge to see how we are doing. Monkey and I are also recording which books we really liked and our favourite thing from each story so if you have young children in your life you could get some good ideas.

This weekend was a long weekend in Canada, formally known as Victoria Day weekend, informally known as the May 2-4 Weekend. We spent our 2-4 at a rented cottage on the bay. It was rainy and miserable outside but a whole lot of fun inside. Hubby and a friend went into town on Saturday night to see B.B. King, the rest of us holed up in the cottage all weekend with cards,Yahtzee and the Bob and Doug McKenzie 2-4 Anniversary Special. A great time was had by all.

Back to the grind today! (At least this is a short week.)

Retraction

I would like to retract my last post. While the things I listed certainly are signs of spring in NB. Spring has decidedly NOT sprung. It had sprung but has since unsprung. (Although possibly springing again in the near future.)

To clear up any confusion, I would like to share the images that greeted me yesterday morning as I stepped outside.

Yup, that's snow.

We apparently received 10-15 cms last night although very little of it actually accumulated and the rain had washed it all away by noon. Still, no one south of Nunavut should have to brush off their car on May 17th.
One angry little snowman.

On a positive note the cold and rainy weather gave me time to finish up my Monica for Mouse. It is about a size three using the size two pattern and Lion Brand Cotton-Ease. This size used less than one ball of each with enough left over to make a cloche style hat. (I hope it fits, I didn't think to measure her noggin when she was here.) I can't wait to see her try it on!


Last night was Library night for Monkey and I. We read a story about a school that was doing a book challenge where the students had to read 1000 books over the school year. Monkey and I have decided to do our own challenge and have decided to read 100 books! We counted up the ones we read at the library yesterday and we are already up to 12. We counted each book only once even though we had read some of them several times.

On the drive home we decided that we should have a prize when we get to 100 books. I was trying to think of something big to motivate him and his four-year old brain suggested "A chocolate bar or an ice cream". While it is tempting to take advantage of his inexpensive recommendation I would like to think of something a little more exciting. Any suggestions? Maybe a chocolate bar AND an ice cream!

Spring has sprung

Spring Felted Bag Exchange Question #2: Where you live, what signifies the beginning of Spring? A favorite flower blooming? Snowmelt? Pollen (Cough cough, gak, here in ATL, thanks) Post something up describing how you knew 'Spring had Sprung' for you!

Spring in New Brunswick means mayflowers and fiddleheads.

Mayflowers are tiny pink or white flowers that grow wild in the woods. They are very small and very fragrant. When I was young I would go every spring with my grandparents for a muddy tramp through the woods searching under trees for these tiny flowers. They are only around for a few weeks and the smell is wonderful. Sadly the place we use to go to pick them has since been developed and I haven't the faintest clue where to get them in the wild now. I am forced to pay outrageous prices for two small tinfoil wrapped bunches at the Farmer's Market - one for me and one for my Gram.


Fiddleheads:
Few things make my mouth water like the thought of fiddleheads. They are only available for brief time in the spring and are a New Brunswick delicacy. For those of you who thought a fiddlehead was only the end of a violin here is a picture of a fiddlehead in the wild.

Yes, it is a baby fern, and yes we eat them – by the bucket.

When they are cleaned and steamed and ready to eat they are the most brilliant and appetizing shade of green. They have a taste that is described as being similar to spinach or asparagus. The first time I had asparagus I thought it tasted almost like fiddleheads.

They are eaten with lots of butter, garlic butter, lemon juice or vinegar. (I prefer just butter with just a bit of vinegar.) I have never prepared them any way but steamed, why mess with perfection, but I am anxious to try a fiddlehead chowder recipe I found.

If we manage to save any in the spring we freeze them for special occasions like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Like anything, they are not as good from frozen as they are when they are fresh. I’ve heard that McCain’s sells frozen fiddleheads at the grocery store so if you are not fortunate enough to live in the Maritimes or New England then you can try to find them at the store.

I'm going to have to make a trip to market this weekend to see if either are available yet.

It is not a tumour!

Good news! I do not have terminal toe cancer! My biopsy has come back clean and it turns out it is nothing more than a beauty mark on my big toe. I wasn't worried, I've had a few of these done, but the family has been quite concerned. It looks like I will live to craft another day!

Speaking of crafting goodness, check out this Spidey-ghan done by a fellow Spring Bag Exchanger,Shawnee. (Scroll down the page to March 27th) I know a certain 4 year old Monkey and a Canknitian of undisclosed age who would loose their minds over this one.

Currently OTN is a Monica in pink with a green ruffle for the Mouse. The Mouse is my two year old niece whom I have just met! Big Bro has moved back to NB after living in BC and Alberta for more than 10 years, and he has brought his girlfriend and their little Mouse too. She is sweet but shy. I can't wait to finish it for her next trip to see me. It will be great to have her just an hour away.

Sis has just brought home 5 foster kittens for the SPCA they are very cute. Monkey was beside himself with 5 kittens running around him. I can easily see one of these cuties landing at my house, that is if the Queen of the Castle (my cat) will allow it.

Mother's Day

Nothing makes me feel more like a Grinch than Mother’s Day. Yes I certainly appreciate all the mothers in my life. No one has more mothers and grandmothers than I do. (That would be 11 mothers, stepmothers and grandmothers) I appreciate them but it is just too hard to celebrate Mother’s Day.

Mrs. Grinch hated Mother’s Day!
The whole crumby season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be the Clomid – (her head wasn't screwed on quite right)
It could be, perhaps, that her tubes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her womb was two sizes too small.

I feel terrible not being able to keep my emotions in check but it is just such a big trigger. Our family tradition has always been to go out for brunch or dinner together. The first Mother’s day after my diagnosis was not so bad because I was still filled with hope and convinced that any day I would be pregnant. As the years go by it is getting more and more hopeless and harder and harder to sit around a table where every other woman receives cards, flowers and gifts. The well-meaning waitress comes with the handful of flowers or chocolates and asks who the mothers at our table are. It is just a painful reminder that I am the only woman in my family who does not have children.

This year I skipped the cards – Mother’s day cards are a whole other level of torture. Last year I left the store in tears. Instead, Monkey and I potted some flowers for all the Moms and Grandmas who live nearby.

I’ve tried to think of the best way to describe why Mother’s Day is hard for infertile women. Most people don’t get it and think it is just being self-centered but it is not that you don’t want others to have a Happy Mother’s Day but you can’t help but feel sorry for yourself. The whole day is a celebration of the one thing you can’t have. The weeks leading up to Mother’s Day every commercial advertises how great it is to be a they are daily reminders that you are a barren old hag and while 95% of women have a child or could have a child you can’t no matter how badly you want to.

Mother's Day - Bah, Humbug!

Meanwhile back at the Beausejour

It seems like forever since I've been to Moncton, although it can't have been more than a couple of months. I'm holed up at my usual haunt - the Delta - for the week. This can only mean trouble since the only things I do in Moncton is shop and eat. So far I've hit the Micheal's, Addition Elle and Old Navy. I'm saving Costco for Friday.

I'm also right on track with the eating agenda. Last night I had dinner with the only two suckers, er friends, who are still practicing law. Every visit I get closer to convincing Mr. Sucker to get out. Fortunately, they took pity on their poor non-profit colleague and treated me to dinner at a great spot down the street. We had a wonderful visit and made plans to go to their place for dinner tomorrow night.

Tonight I am having dinner with my long lost cousin. I'm really looking forward to getting together with her. For now I think I'll just enjoy the peace and quiet of my hotel room.

But why Captain America?

I'm a pretty patriotic type of gal, just this week our pilates class was interupted when my cell phone broke into a midi chorus of O'Canada, so I'm not sure why my darling little monkey has decided has to be Captain America. Now don't get me wrong Cpt. A. is a cool superhero, what with the shield and all, but why him? What could have such an strong influence on the 4 year old mind? Oh yeah, he's on his underoos!

Lil' Sis said she can not find a thing with Cpt. A. on it, and Monkey desperately NEEDS a costume. Hubby and Sis tried to convince me to make him one but my crafty canadian brain just can't imagine where I will find the time to sew a cowl with wings. Luckily for Monkey, Hubby is not so easily put off. He starts talking about how to do an easy version. He bought some iron-on transfer paper and printed out the star and stripes for the blue t-shirt he bought, he found some blue pants and shorts at the second hand store and with a little bit of design help (and threading of the sewing machine) he made a shield out of a foam cushion and some iron on stripes and stars.


The result one very happy Captain America! He has hardly taken it off all week. He even wore it to Daycare!


On an unrelated note - Happy No Pants Day one and all! We will be dropping our pants at the door for charity at today's No Pants Day BBQ. (For those who may be mislead this is in no way a nudist event. It is all pretty PG - boxers, housecoats, towels, long johns, anything but pants.) While last year the weather was a little chilly, this year it is down-right cold so our celebration of spring will likely be more of an indoor event. Either way there will be burgers, beverages and babies to squeeze so it will be a good time.

I had the time of my life...

Tonight I went to see Dirty Dancing on the big screen. As part of the 20th anniversary of the film (and to promote the stage show coming to Toronto) they are showing it for two nights. Both days were sold out by supper, luckily I went after work and pick up tickets for me and the girls. I think we counted 3 brave men in sea of women. I had never seen it on the big screen, it was a blast! I can't imagine how many times I have seen the movie, I also played the soundtrack to death.

It makes me miss going out dancing. I remember the days when I spent every Thursday night to Sunday morning on the dancefloor. There is not really any place for adults to go dancing here. It is a university town and the bars are filled with young skinny half-naked girls. It is hard to feel as confident as we did 10 years ago.

The crazies have all but passed and I am feeling much more like myself again. I had a slight set back when my Dr. left a message saying he was increasing the dose again. Poor Hubby may not survive "Triple Crazy". If I set up a swear jar I may save a fortune next month.

All of my friends have recently discovered Facebook. What a blast finding old friends and seeing the pictures people post. One thing I can say is that we have a lot of fun. Hubby and I have a great group of friends who are up for anything and we are always planning some adventure, costume party or ways to improve our annual birthday bash on the beach. (Less than 100 days to go - I can hear the hammock calling my name.)

I think I've come to a decision on the job front. I've decided that it is worth keeping a job that I love until I find a job that at least interests me and pays better. I have so many friends that are bailing on high paying firm jobs because they hate going to work everyday. While I would prefer to work from home any day I have to say that I don't dread going to work. Besides, if I leave who is going to scare the pants off of the kids by telling them what will happen if they break the law. Also, I am the only lawyer in the province, and possibly the country who has their own handy dandy prize wheel.




As you can see from the photo the prize wheel can also be used to encourage bad behaviour!