Do you work for love or for money?

Last week I interviewed for a new job. The interview went very well, I was able to answer all of their questions and had plenty of relevant experience. The pay was MUCH better than what I currently make ($10,000 more + benefits + an extra week of vacation + RSP matching). The work would not be difficult, and I would likely be less busy than I am in my current position. So what's the problem, right?

Problem is I love the work I do. I work for a non-profit organization and make peanuts compared to what I could be making at a firm or in government. But the perks of my job include:
- Interesting and rewarding projects
- There is lots of variety in the projects I work on.
- I can take a sunny afternoon and work from my deck at home.
- There is satisfaction in knowing the work I do is helping people
- It is in my field
- I get to network and take part in committees and conferences.
- There is lots of travel.
- I work in an office of all women who tolerate my Crazy days.
- I can call into work "Crazy" and work from home with no questions asked or hassles.

As you can tell there is a lot to like about where I am. The downside is the pay, no opportunities for advancement,and funding for the position is always hanging in the balance.

The question becomes whether to take a job that is less interesting and more financially fulfilling or stay with a job that I love and earn less. Last time I weighed these options I was offered a position with the government. I quickly decided to stay where I was. The work would have been dreadfully boring and it was only guaranteed for 1 year.

So what would you do? Given your choice between a great paying job and work that is interesting and fun, which would you choose?

Infertility and God

There must be a great comfort in religion. I envy people who have the benefit of a true and complete belief that there is someone looking over them and if they are good and if they are patient every thing will work out in the end. Ever since I can remember I have questioned faith, at bible camp I was the kid asking “If in the beginning there was the “Word” then where did the word come from?” I’ve never had faith.

Hubby is a good Catholic boy, by which I mean he attends Mass more frequently than most of my friends. Most of my friends and family have religion and faith and part of their understanding of life and the world. There is a lot about religion that appeals to me the support network, volunteerism, optimism, and the reassurance of a guiding force. I could easily slip into religion, except for the fact that I don’t believe.

In the midst of my Clomid Craze I find myself once again searching the internet for a kindred spirit, someone who has been faced with the same decisions with regards to fertility and adoption. As an agnostic I can’t help but notice the number of references to “God’s Plan” and prayer. The common belief that “Everything happens for a reason” just does not work for me.

It seems like a small thing but when you are trying to make sense of something as big as infertility there is a fundamental difference in how you rationalize things and how you decide enough is enough. I recently came upon this short story “A Mom Wannabe”, I identify so strongly with this woman except for the part where she is comforted by her faith.

I’m tired of being a Mom Wannabe. I enjoy being the favourite Aunt and spoiling everyone else’s kids but it does not replace the desire to be parent. I often wonder if it comes across as pathetic, spending so much time and affection on other people’s kids, trying desperately to fill the void. Everyone comments on how great it is that I am so close with my nephew and I love being an Aunt, but I really want to be a Mom and a favourite Aunt.

My first exchange!

On all of the crafty blogs I read everyone is doing these fun exchanges and now I'm going to get to try it out. I've joined the Spring Felted Bag Exchange. (Thanks Miss Me, I found the link on your site!)

I can't wait to get a match and start working on a gift for them. Any tips on what makes a good exchange pal? I don't want to drop the ball on my first exchange.

Here is my questionaire:
1. How long have you been knitting or crochetting? How did you learn?
I have been crochetting for 23 years, my Grampy taught me when I was 8. I have only recently learned how to knit.

2. What are your favorite yarns to knit\crochet felted bags with? I love Patons Classic Wool for felting - great colours.

3. What are your favorite needles to knit\crochet with? I've had my steel hooks so long I don't know what brand they are. I am just starting to accumulate a hodge-podge of knitting needles.

4. What are the last 3 bags you knitted\crochetted (include URL for Yahoo! or flickr album or your blog if you have them!)? You can also link to patterns if you don't have pictures of your finished objects!
The last three felted bags I've made have all been circle bags but I just finished a cute crocheted purse from a pattern in a magazine.

5. Do you carry the bags that you make, give them as gifts, or both? Like most crafters I usually give away everything I make. I rarely get around to making something for myself.

6. What is your favorite felted bag that you have made for yourself? It was a circle bag but it has not yet been felted.

7. What are your favorite colors? Do you like bags in these colors or choose other colors? Purples (mauves and plums) Sage green, chocolate brown (oddly all food related colours) but I'm not fussy - anything but peach.

8. Chocolate: White, Milk, Dark, or not so much? Dark or Milk

9. Coffee, Tea, or Milk? Fruit Teas and Milk

10. Do you prefer sweet or salty treats? What kinds? Sweet.

11. If you went into Bath and Body Works and could only come out with one item, what would it be and what would it smell like? Grapefruit

12. Do you enjoy any other crafts or hobbies? Do you collect anything? Lots of hobbies - decorating cakes, sewing

13. Are there any bag patterns you have not yet knit, but hope to someday? none that I can think off

14. What is currently OTN (on the needles) for you? A special request for a purple and red bag for a member of the Red Hat Society.

15. What is your most recent finished object before that? A knit scarf patterned like the Acadian flag - compete with star.

16. What's cutest: Puppies, Piggies or Pixies? Puppies

17. Do you enjoy reading? Books, Magazines, or both? Both, I enjoy a novel with great characters.

18. Do you have any children? (kid-kind or pet-kind apply!) A cat

19. What are some of your favorite yarns for other projects? Freedom Wool, Briggs and Little, I'm not fussy.

20. And for the final question, one I see debated all over: Novelty Yarn - Love it or Hate it? - Hate it.

So there it is, now I just have to wait to be matched up!

So far its been a hectic day. It's not even noon and I've cleaned up from last night's BBQ Party, made a date with my Grandparents, connected with an old flame on Facebook, and gone on a rescue mission to help my friend who had sprained her ankle and was lying in her driveway up the street for me. (DM is fine, just a little sore.) What an awful feeling to not be able to get up and be stuck in the driveway with two young kids running around. The oldest (6) comes running to my car to tell me that "Mom is going to be okay" while the youngest(3)is desperate to get into the house because "Mom needs a Band-aid". Kids have such big hearts.

How many nerve endings are there in a big toe?

I've got an "owie". I had a biopsy done on a mole that magically appeared on the inside of my big toe. The proceedure itself was quick and (aside from the freezing)very painless. I am certain that the doctor was laughing to herself when I left saying -"That wasn't so bad!" I somehow forgot that the toe was still frozen.

Every little bump sends a sharp pain down my foot. The other night Hubby accidentally sat on it and I screamed like I was being stabbed. (Should I be concerned that none of the neighbours came to see if I was okay?) I generally don't take as much as an asprin but I've been popping Motrin like Pez.

My biggest problem is footwear. My bandaged foot will not fit into any of my shoes! Even my Crocs are a stretch and I can only get my foot in without a sock on it. While we did have a nice day yesterday, it has generally been cold and wet - simply not the weather for barefeet in holey shoes.

Facebook is evil. Okay, its not really evil it is just very, very addictive. There is a certain satisfaction in finding someone that you have not seen in years. I started a group for my law school grad class and nearly 20 of the 70-some grads have signed up.

Touching base with my classmates has confirmed that not a lot of us have stayed in private practice. A few have moved into in-house positions with companies, others are working for government and there are a few like me who have gone to work at non-profit organizations. The number of people who are actually practicing law in a law firm is surprising low.

On the crafty front, I have crocheted a cute little purse with a seed stitch and cute little puffs. I will post a pic once I have found a buckle for it.

Celebrity Look-a-likes

The Heaster Heggs Unt and the Heaster At

I really do admire people who are fluent in more than one language. My Hubby is one of them, he is can flip back and forth with no accent either way. He was raised in a French household but lived in English communities. It is something I just can't seem to master. Although I can read and understand a great deal of spoken French I have no ability to speak it myself. I know the words but not the grammar. That said - there is something inherently funny about accents.

I took the Monkey to an Easter story time at the library this morning. I took the morning off just for the occasion. I picked him up from his daycare to go on his first trip to the library. They had a librarian in a bunny suit (more on that later) reading stories, singing songs and doing crafts. She was great with the kids and had them all very engaged. She did however have a very thick French accent. The first story as about An Heaster Heggs Unt and every page was "Do you think this it is an heaster heggs? No, it is not an heaster heggs it is a..." The second story was about a special "Heaster at" for the Heaster parade. She did a great job but it made me chuckle. I have to give her credit, if I ever got brave enough to read a story aloud in French the audience would be rolling on the floor.

After we finished our craft and picked our books we headed back to daycare. Unfortunately they had an early lunch and so I had to get the Monkey dressed and back in the car to go for lunch at my house. There was a lot of arm twisting going on over lunch. "mmm,how about we stay at your house today?" "We could snuggle on the couch and have a nap at your house." "We had only had one half a day from daycare, let's have two half a days from daycare." It was so hard to resist! It would have been a beautiful day to spend with the Monkey but I had to go back to work.

Hubby took him to the Globetrotters game last night and they had a blast. Apparently the basketball players were cool but it was the mascot - Globey that was the big hit. I went to see "Blades of Glory" with friends. I expected nothing from it and laughed the whole way through! (The end was a little much.) It was juvenille and had an obvious plot but it also had some good laughs.

Tonight we had pilates and for the first time I sat close to the mirrored wall. I won't make that mistake again. There is nothing encouraging about watching your round little body bulge as you twist and turn. Generally, I can imagine that I am much more graceful than I actually appear. I usually can relax and focus on the movements but tonight I was distracted and kept thinking "My God, you really are a round little butterball! - Good grief are my boobs really that big!"

On the upside I did keep thinking that I liked my new haircut.

And now for something completely different...

Here goes my first meme.

1. Name a movie you have seen more than 10 times. Stand by Me and History of the World Part 1
2. Name a movie you’ve seen multiple times in the theater. Where the Heart is. – LOVED the book
3. Name an actor who would make you more inclined to see a movie. Antonio Bandaras (yummy)
4. Name an actor who would make you less likely to see a movie. Steven Seagal
5. Name a movie you can and do quote from. Quest for the Holy Grail
6. Name a movie musical in which you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs. Dirty Dancing
7. Name a movie you have been known to sing along with. Muriel’s Wedding (ABBA rocks!)and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
8. Name a movie you would recommend everyone see. Schindler’s List traumatic but worth it.
9. Name a movie you own. When Harry Met Sally
10. Name an actor who launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops. Will Smith
11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what? Several, we usually go every year. The first one I remember seeing was Bambi.
12. Ever made out in a movie? At home, of course. In the theatre, not that I can recall but it is possible.
13. Name a movie you keep meaning to see but you just haven’t gotten around to yet.
14. Ever walked out of a movie? No but I should have – two dates come to mind – On Deadly Ground and Léolo I don’t recommend either.
15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater. Just about every movie- happy tears, sad tears, laughing tears.
16. Popcorn? I love popcorn but it hates me.
17. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)? Hard to say, depends on what is playing, usually not even once a month.
18. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater? Happy Feet
19. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie? I’m a sucker for the romantic comedy but I really enjoy a good drama.
20. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater? E.T.
21. What movie do you wish you had never seen? Léolo – think American Pie but MUCH more disturbing.
22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed? No specific titles come to mind, there have been quite a few odd films I’ve happened upon on IFC that I’ve enjoyed.
23. What is the scariest movie you’ve seen? IT and the creepy troll from Cat’s Eye that steals your breath.
24. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen? It has to be either Quest for the Holy Grail or History of the World Part 1. Both are ridiculous and not at all funny until you have seen it more than once.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second ti-me!

The Claw

I've been having trouble sleeping lately and last night I struck apon the oddest analogy. I was thinking about a blog I recently read where the husband and wife were at odds on how much money they should "invest" in fertility treatments. It's not something most couples have to deal with. The big questions are about timing and the number of children not how much is it worth, in dollars.

My first thought was to compare it to a lottery where you are putting down money on a chance that you will get pregnant. There are no guarantees, but if you "win" it will change your life and you get the thing you want most, a baby. But a lottery is too random for a fair comparison.

It is more like "The Claw" at the arcade. You know the one with the case full of big prizes. You can see what you want and it is right there in front of you, you can know exactly what it is you need to do. So you carefully manouever and position so that everything should be perfect. You take the plunge and wait, sometimes it comes up empty and you know that it didn't work. Other times it grabs something and you wait on pins and needles to see if it has actually worked. You can be so sure you have it but the moment before it reaches its goal the prize slips out of the claw and you end up empty handed.

Because you feel like you have some control, and you came so close last time, you keep pumping money into the machine hoping that this time you can do everything perfectly. As long as you have money the machine will give you the chance at the prize.

When you can not easily have children you are faced with the awkward discussion about how much is a baby worth to you. It seems almost immoral to place a dollar value on something like that. I always feel like a bad person just for thinking it. If you place a monetary limit on a dream then it can feel like you are limiting your desire to have a baby. Almost like you are selling out. It is such an emotional and personal debate that it seems almost impossible that two people will have the same limit.

If money was no object there are endless options(like the 65 year old woman who had a twins last year), but for most of us there are limits and it feels unfair and unnatural to be put in that position.

Of course my heart wants nothing more than to experience a pregnancy and to give my hubby what he wants so badly, a biological heir. Someone that looks like him, that will carry forward the family line that he has traced back some 16 generations. My head on the other hand argues that you can spend endlessly on a "chance" and there is only so much the heart can take. Every month is a heavy investment emotionally.

I read online about all of the people that are so far along in the fertility treatments, they have spent every penny for years on the "chance" rather than adopting a child and actually having a family. In NB there is a long waiting list for adopting an infant (8-10 years). So we are left to determine how much a biological baby and those first few years are worth.

How do you put a value on the experience of creating a life, the natural bond (both for you and other family), first words, first steps. (Head: labour and delivery, sleepless nights, diapers and most importantly the fact that babies are only babies for a brief moment.)

With this internal debate raging all night I can understand why I'm not sleeping but what I can't figure is why now? This has been going on for years but why the sudden distraction? Oh well, that is for another sleepless night.