The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 2 - Bracing myself.

This round I have kept myself quite busy and this has helped a lot. Having no time to wallow does it. I have been run ragged at work, I was even in over the long weekend trying to put the finishing touches on my year end report. With a full 62 pages compiled, I all but put the stamp on it last night. Hurray! Now I get to spend three weeks writing a proposal to do it all again next year.

I must tell you that on Saturday I had a small um, let's call it an incident (sounds better than 'fit'). I got up, hit the shower and put my watch and rings back on. A couple of hours later I noticed I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. I figured I must not have put them back on, although I was sure I had because I was wearing my watch. I checked the shelf where I distinctly remembered putting them before my shower. Gone. OMG I've lost my wedding rings! Could they have fallen into the toilet? No, I was the only one home I would have noticed. I ran around the house in a panic trying to find my rings, checked the nightstand, the kitchen they were no where to be found. I was on the verge of having a complete meltdown, I figured these damn crazy pills had me so messed up I couldn't remember where I put them, as I sat wringing my hands I noticed that I had put them on the wrong hand. Doh! On a sane day I would have sat down to think about it and noticed it was on the wrong hand, on a Clomid day I go right from zero to crazy.

I am bracing myself for my Dr.'s appointment this morning. What is he thinking putting me in a waiting room with a bunch of pregnant people on Day 7. (the first day 7 I have ever had) We are going to talk about the result from my HSG and my bloodwork. I know he's just going to tell me that the drugs aren't working and that the HSG came back clear. As crazy as the pills make me, I am afraid he is going to take me off and tell me there is nothing more he can do. I had so much hope that I was pregnant just two weeks ago and I don't think I'm ready to give up the possibility of having a pregnancy. There have been times when I was ready to quit, and swore I would never take the pills again but that would have been my choice and not someone telling me that it isn't an option is so much different. It is like deciding that you need to loose some weight compared to having a someone tell you to loose a few pounds. It is a big difference.

I guess I don't want to admit to myself that I am just that broken. It feels like a personal failure although I am completely aware that I have no control over it.

Send me all your good vibes, I could use them today.