Slowly crawling out of my hole.

So you may be thinking that I've been spending the last few weeks crying in my bed. While I did spend a few full days there I have been slowly but surely crawling out of the hole and back to life. Instead, I've been crying at work, at restuants, in my car, when anyone looks at me,(mostly kidding) but I've done a pretty good job at avoiding the temptation to spend the next month in bed.


I find that anytime I am not busy I'm in trouble. I've been running myself ragged so that I don't think about baby stuff and so at night I am exhausted and can sleep. I'm not prone to depression, like everyone I've had my moments, but I am generally a take charge and move on kind of person and it is really unnatural to me to wake up crying and feel on the verge of tears all day.


It is hit or miss these days, I did have a minor meltdown earlier this week when my pregnant cousin sent me two separate invitations to her baby shower and then a link to a webpage they have created for their unborn child. To my credit, I did not melt down at her, I did however ask my sister (who got the brunt of it) to intervene and politely ask her to stop sending me baby related stuff.

Yesterday, I managed to buy sleepers for my cousin who just had a baby girl and my cousin who is expecting - with out tears. I gave myself a "Suck it up" speech and put them in the cart, only to cry all the way home from Moncton.

I think at this moment I am my own worst enemy. I am beating myself up for not "getting over this already" and I feel the need to bottle it all up because people are probably sick to death of my self-pity party- I know I am.

So part of keeping myself busy was finalizing and sending my Knitter's Virtual Vacation Swap package and doing my part for Team Canada for Dish Rag Tag. (By the way thanks to Ruby for the great stitch markers and beautiful rainbow dish rag.) Done and Done! I can't wait to get my package from my pal.

Here is my new favourite dish rag pattern, it is textured and great for scrubbing. It is a great first project for a beginner. If you don't know how to crochet there are lots of great sites and even some YouTube videos that can show you these basic stitches. Chain, Single Crochet, Double Crochet

Chain 29-33 sts depending on your tension and desired size. Turn.

Beginning with a single crochet in the third chain from the hook work each stitch across alternating between single crochet (sc) and double crochet (dc). Turn

Continue to work the pattern, alternating sc and dc stitches. If the stitch below is a sc you should dc into the top, if the stitch below is a dc you should sc into the top. Once you have reached your desired length you can tie off and you're done.

Depending on how fancy you like your dish rags you could work around the dishrag with a single crochet or a more elaborate edging.

Did I mention it is fast too. I did mine in approximately 45 minutes. Too bad I was not home early enough to get it back in the mail the same day. I did my best to reinforce the box a little as it was pretty squished when I got it.

I should also mention that Monkey and I were featured on the front page of a local paper for our summer reading and we more than met our goal of another 100 books. As a reward I gave him a beautiful book and cd of Puff the Magic Dragon. Poor little monkey had an eye infection and has to stay home from daycare today so I will be closing the office early and sending all my staff home for an extra long weekend. It's good to be the queen.

I want to say thank you again to everyone online and off for the wonderful support. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a good long weekend.

Best Pals in the World

These arrived at my office yesterday afternoon. I immediately burst into tears, not the intended response I'm sure, but I was very touched that they would do this for me.


(They intended to have them sent to my house, but Hubby redirected the flower shop to my office.)

Time is moving very slowly.

I can't get over how slowly time has moved in the last three days. Yesterday was particularly drawn out. Every hour seemed like three. It probably doesn't help that I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Hubby came home for lunch and kicked my butt out of bed but shortly after he left I found myself wandering around the house and since I couldn't even stand my own company it was either pour myself a drink or go back to sleep. I went to bed.

Last night a couple of friends came by to watch tv and that seems to help. I know I need to keep busy and avoid being alone but I am such bad company it doesn't seem fair to make anyone put up with me. There are lots of people offering but I am such a downer. I try to keep it together but it seems everything makes me cry. Even sitting here at work it is too quiet and I find my mind wandering. If I wasn't so damn busy I'd take a couple of days off.

I know I will eventually get back to feeling like myself but it in the meantime every hour is creeping by. Thanks to everyone for the support, it is comforting and I have been checking my email and comments frequently for a little boost from my online pals.

Worse than expected

I'm not sure what to say about our trip. The news was worse than we expected. The only viable option seems to be invitro which is something I was never prepared to do. It would cost $10,000 a cycle with no guarantees that they will even be able to go through with it. If they are able to do the invitro it only increases our chances of having a baby by 30-40%. They want to do more test on Hubby and if everything checks out with him there is a chance we could do the injections at a bargain price of $2000/month for a 10-20% chance of getting pregnant if they are able to complete the cycle and a 20-30% chance of multiples.

It felt like the whole appointment was a disaster. They didn't have all of my paperwork and had to have it faxed down. There were tests they thought should have been done every year that had not been done since 2003 and 90% on the consultation with with some 20 year old intern who made me cry despite my best efforts to keep my composure.

The most frustrating part is they think the Clomid may have been working for most of the cycles and that the doc here was just testing too soon. They are also concerned that they did not do an in depth analysis of Hubby and there is a chance that the last three years was a complete waste of time because of a male factor. Three years of an emotional rollercoaster, putting my body and mind through hell, for nothing.

There is no point in going any further with it, if they test Hubby again and find a problem it only means that our options are limited to IVF and I'm not willing to go there.

I am so angry and frustrated and just incredibly sad. Every time I think I can't possibly cry any more I am right back where I started. I just can't see where to even start to deal with it all.

This morning my grandmother, who loves me dearly, said absolutely everything I did NOT want to hear in the span of three minutes.

• You need to just relax and stop trying and it will happen
• My aunt tried for 10 years and then they gave up and adopted and right after they had 5 of their own.
• God works in mysterious ways

And let's not forget to tie it all up in my absolute favourite: Everything happens for a reason!

I am so miserable I can't even stand myself.

So it is over, I will never be pregnant, I will never have a baby belly, a baby shower, or an ultrasound picture to hang on the fridge, it will just never happen for me and I'm not sure I will ever get over it. My heart is just broken.

Feeling lonely

In a week where I have more work to do than I can possibly get done in three days I am finding it impossible to focus. I am absolutely terrified about my trip to the fertility clinic in Halifax. I'm not even sure what I'm worried about, we are just going for a consultation.

I think it may mostly be the weight of the decision to be made. I feel pressure on all sides, I know Hubby is desperately hoping I will agree to take the next step, my family thinks I've been through enough and I stuck in the middle not sure what I want and not ready to disappoint anyone. I know the decision is my own and I have to do what is right for me but I find it impossible to block out how my decision affects Hubby.

It has just been a rough week all around, work pressure topped with and lots of pregnancy related news, photos and shower invitations for family and friends. In fact, one cousin is having her third baby as I write. As much as it is comforting to read the blogs of others struggling with infertility, I still find that I feel incredibly alone. I don't have any friends who are in the same boat as I am, not that I would wish it on them. I am an incredibly social being and it is just really hard knowing that I am in this all by myself.

This may sound unfair to my Hubby, but while we share the sadness about having fertility issues, we are not in the same position. Firstly, it is my body that refuses to cooperate and I feel like a failure. Secondly, we have different priorities and different limits on what we are willing to do to achieve our mutual goal of having a family. Finally, the decision is my hands while he understands it is difficult for me but he is not experiencing the same pressure and internal struggle. On the flip-side there is no way I can fully comprehend the frustration he feels at having his hopes tied up in something completely beyond his control.

I wish I had someone who knows what it feels like, without the need for explanation. I have lots of good friends who empathize and support me, but no one who completely understands. I didn't know it was possible to be surrounded by so many people who love you and would do anything for you and still feel this lonely.

I am not use to being so mopey, I generally have smile on my face and it feels unnatural to be this sad. I can't even fake it. I feel sick everytime I eat, I can't sleep, and I catch myself frowning, slumping my shoulders and daubing my eyes all day. I hate that my brain has become so preoccupied with this. It seems it is all I can talk about.

I know my posts seem a little bi-polar but I really did have fun on the birthday weekend and was able to push it aside for a couple of days. It may have been the rum, it looks like I may have to take up drinking to get any work done!

Cheers!

Short and Sweet

I know you have all been waiting to hear about my birthday extravaganza. I think the pictures say it all.

Hubby and I trapped in a giant lobster trap.

In my happy place.

The water was beautiful.

Group photo, there were 27 of us this year.

Yes, even fireworks! We had a spectacular show that put others down the beach to shame.

Happy Brithday to Me (and Hubby)

It is Birthday Weekend - The happiest time of the year! In my mind I am already on the beach, sand between my toes, Marista in my hand. The Marista is a drink my Sis and her pal came up with last year that contains several types of juice, raspberry ginger ale and rum, lots and lots of rum. My co-workers had a cake and prezzies for me today and in the bag was a little pillow that hangs on your door knob that says " The Princess sleeps here". They bought it as a marker for my hammock. I also got a box of chocolates. It is going to be a good weekend.

My MIL has gone completely overboard buying 5 turkeys and 3 hams for the 30 people. Oh and a ton of hamburgers and sausages. Hubby and CL left this morning so they could help with last minute set up. I unfortunately can't leave until 5:00 tomorrow. Yuck! I will miss almost all of Hubby's birthday. I will only arrive about 9:00. Just in time for a fire on the beach. The good news is my tent will be all set up although I only sleep in it if it is raining.

I sent my bags and gear ahead so I will have a quiet evening at home tonight and will be able to spend the trip there catching up with my pal RB who has just returned from two weeks out west. I think I should make a cd with our favourite road trip artists - ABBA, Dr. Hook, Neil Diamond, John Denver, Great Big Sea, Juice Newton, more ABBA. Any recommendations?

Before I go here are some of the highlights from our trip to Montreal.

This was one of the stilt walkers in the Just for Laughs Parade

They had fantastic floats. I love Mr. Bean.

Whack-A-Mole prize for the Monkey

Big Scary Rollercoaster!

Organ fun at the Science Center with Hubby

Hubby and I at the Botanical GardensNotre-Dame Basilica