10 years of marriage

Okay so I've neglected my blog for the last 6 months.

I did start to write the following post for my anniversary in June but it never got finished. I started it on our anniversary and celebrated with our friends late into the night. I must have planned to finish it the next morning but that was the day I found out I am deathly allergic to asprin. Thank goodness for good friends and good drugs.

I'll post an update soon with all the excitement we've had in the last 6 months but for now here is the post from June.

June 2008
I can hardly believe I've been married for 10 years! Turning 30 didn't faze me a bit but being married 10 years makes me feel old. Of course the fact that my Grandparents have been married for 60 years makes 10 seem like a drop in the bucket.


All the same it is milestone! Although the time has flown by it certainly hasn't been an easy ride. We have had the normal ups and downs that come from being married young like learning to manage money and stress. We've survived law school, three heart surgeries, years of fertility treatments and the related drama. We've also had a lot of fun, adventures and good friends. One thing I can say for certain is that it has never been boring.


When I look back I think we were soooo young. I was only 22 and Hubby was 24. We didn't rush into it by any means, we had dated for 4 years and were engaged for a year and a half before the actual wedding. We were the first of our friends to get married and the girls who stood up with me then are still among my closest friends today.



Things I've learned in 10 years of marriage:

• You can be truly in love at 22.


• The person you marry today will be exactly the same in 10 years. You will not change their habits, bad jokes or hobbies. If they leave dirty socks in the living room they probably always will. (you can't undo 24 years of habit in 10 years but maybe by our 25th anniversary...)


• My personal opinion is that you should definately live with someone before you get married. The things that drive you nuts today will still drive you crazy in 10 years. You may think that leaving that you'd get over the fact they leave the cap of the toothpaste but 3650 mornings later it will still annoy you.


• It takes just as much patience for someone to live with you for 10 years as it does for you to live with them.


• "Your in-laws" eventually become just "your family".

• "In sickness and in heath" is not just something you say in your vows, you have to mean it.

• Even though you think in 14 years you could know everything about someone they will still say/do/buy things that will completely shock you.

• You will remember some details from your wedding day but will completely forget some of the names in the guest book. ("Didn't they work with you?")

I'm not sure what else I had planned to add to this list back in June but I have to say that a marriage, or at least my marriage, could not survive without the support of friends and family. The secret of our success has been having friends who surround us with love, share our sad days and celebrate our good times. Some people put a lot of effort keeping up appearances but Hubby andI rely on our friends and luckily they are always there for us.

Packing and Unpacking

Last week our office moved up from the 1st floor to the 4th floor of our building. Just far enough that we had to pack everything and unpack everything, and we have a lot of things! It has been a good excuse to do some spring cleaning and I did find some hidden gems.

I found a note that Lil' Bro had written for me when he was in Grade 5. I was giving a presentation for his class and then had to meet with one of the local police officers to talk about my video project. My Lil' Bro lives about an hour from me and while I was pretty sure where the police station was I wanted to be certain. I asked the teacher to give me directions and Lil' Bro pipes up and says he knows the way and he will write the directions for me. This is what he wrote

- left from school

- left at Daliys

- left at lights

- left at licker store

- left at poleice

I found a print out of the article about the "All Ice Cream Fertility Diet". I think I'm still carrying around some of the "High Fat" from that one. It didn't work but maybe I just didn't try hard enough. Just in case, I had ice cream twice last night.

I found some pictures of our Birthday Weekend a couple of years ago and discovered that our new bookkeeper knows my friend's ex and had met RB a couple of times before.

I found an email that RB recieved from someone when she was doing the online dating thing. The guy wrote in all caps about how he couldn't have overnight guests where he lived but he did have a car. A great pick-up line when you are 16 but not so much in your 30's. Besides WRITING IN ALL CAPS THAT YOU WANT TO DO IT IN YOUR CAR GIVES A KINDA CREEPY VIBE. I'm really glad that she eventually found a really good man who is very good to her.

To wrap up the week, we took my boss out for drinks and dessert on Friday night. Hubby came to pick me up and had flagged down a friend on the way. She joined us for dinner and then I dropped her off at home on my way to a 'stitching function' with the girls.

On the home front, Hubby got his date to go for his surgery. He goes in on the 28th, surgery on the 29th and if all goes well we'll be home by the 30th. In the meantime, he is preoccupied with Hockey (Go Habs) and he and Monkey are having a hockey playoffs sleepover tonight while Lil' Sis is writing her final exam. Foxy will be coming too! We got permission from the landlord and he'll be gradually moving in over the next few weeks.

Sugarbush and Foxy Brown

I've had a great weekend. My workshop on Friday went off without a hitch and I was able to come home Friday night instead of Saturday morning. Hubby and I had a quiet tv night. On Saturday morning we picked up my Monkey and my friend's little boy and took them out to Kings Landing for the Sugarbush. Another friend and her son went with us and we had a great time. Fresh air, maple candy right from the tree, sliding, mud puddles and music make for a perfect outing for little boys.

I'd like you to meet Foxy!

Foxy was seized from a very bad home and has been in fostercare with Lil' Sis. (She calls him Herbie.) I think he is beautiful. He is a 3 yr old Pomeranian and weighs all of 6 lbs. Even Purl out weighs him! Sis has gone on an overnight excursion to Maine and Hubby and I have taken Foxy for a sleepover to see how he gets along with the cats. So far it is MUCH better than we expected. He is so timid the cats are not afraid of him.

He has been very good. He has spent most of the time curled up with me or following me around like a shadow. He has not made any noise other than some wimpering this morning which was resolved by bringing him to the bedroom. This afternoon he and Athena were both curled up in the chair. He still needs some time to be housebroken but Sis is going to get him litter trained. so we don't even have to worry about getting home on time or getting up at 5 am. Hubby is sold and now we have to convince the landlord that he really is just another cat.

Do you think I can pull off a hot new look?

I came home yesterday after a lonnng day at work and an appointment discussing transplant centers with the cardiologist and decided that all I wanted to do was lay in the sun. I changed out of my work clothes and stretched out on the living room floor under the picture window. I was going to pretend it was a beautiful sunny day and not the last week of March.


It lasted for about 2 minutes before the kitten decided to pounce on a shadow and use my face as the launch pad. OUCH! I had two fresh scars for my presentation tonight. I tried my best to pull it off as the newest fad. It is two bright red lines coming from the corners of my eye. I put on a pound of make-up, darker lipstick to draw attention away from my eye. I also posted a picture of the vicious 8 pound puffball that attacked me as the backdrop for my presentation.

It must have worked because I had some very positive comments on the presentation despite the fact that the material is dreadfully boring. I'm leaving tomorrow for my last tax law information session. I can't wait to have it over and done with. On a high note, the script for my video new video for youth victims has been approved I will soon start to working on a project for youth in foster care. Something with more 'life' to it than tax law.

I'll be taking my WIP to work on in the hotel! I can't wait for a little downtime, I can lay around without fear of a kitten making trackmarks on my face.

Hello again

I finally got a few minutes to myself on Easter Sunday to catch up. When I last wrote Hubby was waiting for surgery again. They did not end up doing the surgery in January. When he got to SJ they did all of the tests, got him prepped for surgery and just minutes before they began the surgeon decided to run the diagnostics again. He thought that it may just be a matter of time before the lead settled into place and decided not to do the surgery.

A few weeks later with a change is meds Hubby is feeling much better and is back to work (promoted even!). Unfortunately, the wire did not settle into place and we are once again waiting for surgery. They are consulting with other surgeons to see if they should proceed. At least this time he will not have to be in hospital waiting.

In the meantime, I have been working my butt off to get all of my work projects wrapped up by March 31st. Once the projects are done I have to pack up my office for a move to the 4th floor. This is a pain in the neck but good news. It means I will be able to open my curtains and enjoy the sunshine. Being on the ground floor, I had a view of the loading bay and lots or delivery guys staring in. I kept my curtains closed so I didn’t always feel like I was in the zoo.

In the crafty end of things my last project turned out great! My friends Wordnerd and MD just had a beautiful baby boy and I made a pillow for the nursery. The new Papa produces his own comics including one that features their very handsome beagle, Genghis. I took one of his drawings and turned it into a knitting pattern for the pillow. The back is a very soft plush. It was a hit! You can a few shots of the pillow in a fantastic short video Papa MD made of baby’s trip home. (Love, love, love the video.) I am so glad they are finally all home safe and sound. I also got signed up for Ravelry. I think it will be great when I have more time to play around with it. If you are on you can look me up as TheCraftyCanadian.

I’m looking forward to catching up more with everyone when March is over.
C.C.

Starting Over

So my Hubby is right back to where we started a month ago, sitting in hospital waiting for surgery.

He spoke to his doctor here on Thursday because he was not recovering as quickly as they thought he would and was feeling sick and tired all of the time. The doc decided to squeeze him in for an ECG at the hospital on Friday. The ECG came back that his rhythm was good so doc figured that it was most likely the medications that were causing him to feel worn out. He decided to reduce the drugs and let the ICD take over controlling the heart rate.

We were scheduled to go back to SJ to have the machine checked in 3 weeks time. The hospital here only has clinics for pacemakers and ICDs on Fridays and they just do one brand, or make, of machine each week. Luckily we knew what make his ICD was and it just happened to be that company rep who was doing the clinic yesterday. It was pure luck and they were able to squeeze him in.

When they hooked the ICD up to the diagnostic machine and looked at the history everything looked great, but when they tried to make his heart speed up so they could check the rhythm it wouldn't work. In the end they discovered that one of the wires into the heart had come loose so they had to shut off the machine immediately because it could shock him unnecessarily and in the wrong part of the heart. In an a matter of minutes the situation changed from being on our way home to being admitted and waiting for surgery again.

They think they can get him in for surgery next week. In the meantime, Hubby has to stay in hospital so they can monitor his heart. He was pretty upset about the whole thing yesterday afternoon but once he had something to eat and a visit from Monkey he was in much better spirits and less cranky about his accommodations. (they didn't have a regular room available so he is in a treatment room.) He also got the first good night's sleep he's had in a long time and looked better rested this morning.

He is not thrilled about having to redo the surgery and start his recovery from scratch. We both realize how lucky he is that they happened to catch the problem before they took him off the medications and relied on the machine.

Personally, I'm exhausted from the last month. I can't even imagine how tired I will be after another two months! I just want to have him healthy and at home. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that this is the last surgery he'll need for the next 5 years.

Thanks again to everyone for all the support.

Happy Holidays from Crafty Canadian and her Bionic Boy

Well another month has flown by. I can't believe it, while my concerns about being childless at Christmas were all I could think about last month, this month brought a whole new category of drama and I have hardly had time to think about anything.

Two weeks ago at 4:00 am I woke Hubby up because I had a dream that he had died suddenly of complications from his heart condition. I was crying when I woke up and the dream was so real his snoring in the bed beside me actually startled me. I woke him up in the dead of night to tell him I was glad he wasn't dead. He mumbled something about also being glad he was not dead and drifted back to sleep.

In the morning I got up and went to the market, got my hair done and went shopping for something fabulous to wear to Hubby's work party. I told my friend about my dream and she assured me that it meant good things for the person I had dreamt of. When I told her how upset I was the night before we joked that it was probably a good thing that after so long I still wanted him around. When I got home Hubby was making himself a light lunch and after we relaxed on the couch and watched TV. I told him again that I was glad he was still alive. Twenty minutes later we were rushing to the hospital.

Hubby has had heart problems since he was 12 and 5 years ago we went to Toronto for open heart surgery to remove an overgrown muscle blocking 85% of the blood flow. His heart function was immediately improved and after a lengthy recovery he was better than ever. After 16 years he was off all heart medication and feeling great.

Two weeks ago things changed suddenly. Hubby was saying something was wrong with his heart and was beginning to panic. We were very use to being in and out of hospital and so I quickly got him dressed, put him in the car and drove to the emergency. Fortunately we live only 8 minutes away, when we arrived I parked the car outside the ER doors and helped him inside the doors where we got help immediately. I handed him off to the nurses, told them he had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and went to move the car. When I came back there were 8 nurses and doctors hovered over him and his pulse was 273. It was beating erratically and racing out of control.

After a couple of hours, I called my parents and they came to the hospital and waited outside the ICU. It took all night and a lot of medication to finally get it within a normal range. At one point they prepared to shock his heart with the defibrillator to reset the rhythm, fortunately they did not have to resort to that. Although I was very worried, I was incredibly calm. I was in "The Zone", there was a lot going on, a lot of new information to take in and I knew I had to be calm and clear.

After a couple of days in Cardiac Care they were able to get his heart rate under control with the medication but the test result were very negative. There were half a dozen serious problems with the heart that had developed as a result of his condition. Any one of them would have been cause for concern. They said it was fortunate that his heart had given him a warning and not simply shut down. They told us he would eventually need a heart transplant but they were going to see what they could do in the meantime. We waited in hospital a few more days until they could get us to a hospital with a cardiac care centre.

He arrived at the new hospital by ambulance last Tuesday afternoon and within a few hours they told him they were going to be taking him at 7:30 am for surgery. The next morning they implanted a defibrillator inside his chest to reset the heart if the rhythm got out of control or to restart heart if it stopped beating. Unlike a pacemaker that delivers a slight and constant message to the heart, this one packs more of a punch and only kicks in when the heart is in crisis.

Fortunately he came through with flying colours. The surgery went very well, they tested the device to ensure that it was working properly and by Thursday afternoon he was ready to come home. He will have a long recovery with 6wks to 6 months of no driving and 4-6 weeks of not lifting his hands above his shoulders.

He is now referring to himself as the $30,000 man although because we live in Canada the total cost to us for the device plus surger, hospital stay, ambulance etc. was $0.00. His work even covered my hotel stay and most of my meals. My biggest expenses were gas and parking.

We are so happy to be home for Christmas. We didn't think it would be possible and while being home has a whole other set of challenges (I'm exhausted already) it is great to be home and with family for Christmas. We will have a low key celebration this year. I am going to miss having a tree and having decorations but it is just too much work with everything else to be done.

So far I've been doing great at keeping it together, through all the bad news and surgery I have been calm and together, with just a few minor cracks. I was like this when he had his operation five years ago and I know it is just a matter of time before I fall to pieces but it will not likely be until he has been given the all clear by his docs. If he has to go through this every 5 years to replace the device we may get very good at adapting to it all. He has always had heart problems but they were more gradual and progressive, the complications are now far greater and more imminent than they were before.

We are very thankful for our wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive. They have offered help in every way since he first landed in the hospital. Last night someone dropped off a curry chicken which was fantastic because it means I did not have to cook. While we have not had a lot of visitors because everyone is gone for the holidays, we have had lots of emails and calls from our friends and family. We are so lucky to have them all!

To all my online pals, Happy Holidays and best wishes for a happy and healthy 2008!

November in a Nutshell

Just another rollercoaster month. If you have read this blog with any regularity you know that silence usually means all is good or I’m keeping secrets. This month was a bit of both.

If you thought dressing up was just for Halloween, you don’t hang out with the right crowd. We were off to Halifax for our Grease-theme prom. I was the best dancer from St. Bernadette’s (with the worst reputation). Hubby went in a powder blue tuxedo and taped up glasses. We danced the night away despite the snowstorm. The rest of the weekend Canknitian and I did a whole lot of shopping. We bought clothes, yarn and candy from Freak Lunchbox. I bought a pattern and alpaca to make thrummed mittens.
Another favourite find was the Trichomania solid shampoo from Lush. Love it!

The next weekend was the 70’s theme dance for the local animal shelter. We usually go as a big crowd and have a lot of fun. Our two tables came away with more than our share of the prizes (authentic 70’s items like pole lamps, hockey trivia games, and string art). Sadly no one at our table one the sectional sofa with built in bar.

Work has been crazy with lots and lots to do. Sadly my partner lost her father and will be out of work for a while. My heart goes out to her and her family, she was just engaged and making plans for a wedding and it is too hard to deal with a death in the family this time of year. I’ve discovered how much I need her, without her here to vent with I’m getting short tempered and actually had a huge argument with my boss on Friday. On the plus side, by the time she gets back she and I may both have significant raises. (That’s just the kind of friend I am.)

My little brother is in trouble, again. This time he is being questioned about a broken lamppost at the entrance to the subdivision. Of course, no one thought to contact me, I’m just the only one in the family with a law degree and an expertise in youth justice. Naturally it is more important to sweep it under the carpet and pretend that nothing is wrong. Why is it that people still don’t understand that I always find this stuff out?

My Big Bro has started a new job and is moving to town and seems to be doing well. Lil’ Sis is a dog groomer so she’ll be busy until Christmas making all the pups beautiful.
Monkey and I have been regularly going to the library and he is doing really well with his reading and writing. (I’m so proud!)

Monkey is wild waiting for Santa! We took him to the Christmas parade last week and the next day he got his picture taken with Santa. Sis said he whispered with Santa for 10 minutes back and forth and when he got down Santa said “That little boy is the next Prime Minister!” He still won’t tell us what he said to him only that he didn’t ask for anything because Santa already knows what he wants.

On the secret side of things, we were given renewed hope on the out of province adoption. We were kind of hoping for a big Christmas announcement that things were underway. The family was pushing for us on the NS side and was told that they would look into the process of an interprovincial adoption for us.

Surprise, surprise, another disappointment, the case worker called today to say that when she started asking questions she was told they would not be willing to consider an out of province placement for the little girl, despite the family’s wishes. I guess nothing is ever easy when you can get pregnant.

Now it will be a matter of holding my breath and trying to get through the “Season for Families with Children.” I’m sure others can relate, once there are grandchildren in the family and your friends start having kids Christmas is never the same. I am very tempted to take an advance on my vacation for next year and spend the next three weeks holed up at home celebrating the “hard liquor season” instead. Here’s a tip for instantly identifying the infertile couples at your coming Christmas parties – look for the people drinking rum and eggnog from the carton and making light of the fact they don’t have to get up with the kids in the morning.

Luckily I have most of my Christmas shopping done and wrapped, and I will be gathering up the last the items for the transition house in the next two weeks.

October in a nutshell

Where did October go?

Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since I have updated my blog. There has been a lot going on and I just can’t believe that it is already November. The missing month has had some ups and some downs and I will try to catch you up as quickly as possible. The key word for October has been BUSY!

Let’s get the bad stuff right out of the way.

Halloween kicked off what is sadly become a string of funerals. Last week began with the loss of my Great Uncle, the funeral was on Wednesday. Thursday, a group of girls traveled out of town to support a friend at her grandmother’s funeral, and Friday my cousin’s partner committed suicide leaving her a single mother to their young son. I also found out my grandmother is not well and will not strong enough to undergo the surgery required to save her life. While, she is technically my “ex-step-grandmother” she has been a grandparent to me since I was 8 years old. She lives with my “ex-stepmother” and my little brother and the coming months will be very hard on all of them.

I think part of the reason I have been avoiding updating my blog is that I was really hoping to have some good news. I must start by saying I am feeling much more like myself now that all of the fertility drugs are out of my system. I am not so easily upset and feel sane again. Although I think Christmas will still be a challenge, I am beginning to accept that life will go on with out a pregnancy.

This acceptance was spurred on by the fact that Hubby and I were approached about a private adoption. We kept our fingers crossed; our lips sealed and tried not to get our hopes up too much. Sadly, in taking the time to weigh their options the family let things get too and the girl is now in protective custody. Private adoption is no longer an option and an inter-provincial adoption would be complicated and too lengthy to be in the girl’s best interest. While we completely understand how and why things worked out the way they have, Hubby and I can’t help but be disappointed, both for the girl and for ourselves.

So eventually it will be back to the drawing board to consider the rest of our options, in the meantime November does not show any signs of slowing down and we will likely be full-tilt until the New Year.

Work has been very hectic and I am currently writing three publications which have to be printed by January, including the rewrite of a 100 page book. So far things are chugging along but I have not had a spare moment. I have also been preparing for workshops on reporting forms for charities – thrilling stuff. My first workshop was on Friday and you know it is bad when you nearly put yourself to sleep.

I have been practicing many of my unmarketable skills in the last month. I did a wedding cake for a fall wedding. I don’t often do cakes for people I don’t know but I was asked by my cousin and despite my concerns, the bride and groom were both thrilled with the way it turned out. I wish I had better pictures but these should give you a general idea.

I have also been at my sewing machine working on a beautiful prom dress. Next weekend is our annual “prom” weekend. Friends host a yearly theme party and this year it is a 50’s Prom in Halifax. While I would not usually go to such great lengths for a theme party, I was able to get a great deal on the fabric and pattern when a fabric store went out of business and I think the dress could easily be used again on New Year’s or some other event. I will post pictures when I finish mine later this week but here is the pattern:

Thanksgiving gave me the opportunity to make one of my favourite cakes – Princeton Orange Cake. We had a large family gathering with 15 for dinner. Later that week Monkey and I made apple crisp with apples we picked ourselves. We had a great time picking apples again and the Cortlands were finally ready! My sis has discovered that if you make a chunky applesauce with cinnamon, sprinkle granola on top and toss in it the microwave for a bit it tastes like apple crisp. Yummy! I have been eating a lot of “apple crisp” for breakfast.

Hubby and I went to a friend’s Halloween house party. There were a lot of great costumes. My friend and I went as inmates at a Women’s Prison, I would post the pictures but I’m afraid there are already far too many unflattering photos of me in my prison orange dress floating around out there. Yikes!

I have been collecting goodies for the ladies at the transition house and my spare room is starting to fill up with items for the 8 Christmas gift baskets. I will have to start checking my list to see who I have left to buy for this Christmas. We have managed to get a Guitar Hero game for my little brother and he will soooo excited. Hubby bought a copy for the Wii and we have been playing it quite a bit. It is a lot of fun.

Some November good news!
My cousin finally had her baby boy and both are healthy and happy. He has beautiful red hair and 5 names. K.P.R.M.W. is going to make even initialing something a chore.

My little brother was in town this weekend to accept his Chief Scout Award from the "Left-handed" Governor. (Lieutenant Governor). The award ceremony was held at the Legislature and there was a reception at the "Left-handed" Governor's home. I was very proud of him, I gave him the only gift I could be sure a 13 year old boy would appreciate - money.

On the road again...

I'm on the road again, off to Halifax for a conference. Halifax is just not as exciting as going to the Rockies last year. First off, I go there quite frequently and I had never seen the Rockies and secondly we drive to Halifax and we flew to Alberta. I love flying. I like the anticipation at the airport, the excitement as you take off and watching everything get very very tiny. I especially love flying into a new city and getting a birds eye view of the place.

The drive to Halifax is not too bad it is 4 hours and we are in no rush to get there. EB and I will leave this morning and only have to be at the hotel for a reception at 7:00. Hard to say what we would do with a few hours to ourselves (drink or shop, drink or shop-tough call!) We head back on Friday afternoon and as soon as my feet hit home I'm repacking my bags for a trip to AMERICA!

With the Canadian $ so high, a lot of people are swarming to Maine for some shopping. (Anyone know of any good yarn shops in Bangor?) I am going with Hubby and three friends for the weekend. Apparently there is a good chance I'll run into my mother and aunt on my shopping excursion, they are also going to Maine. My grandparents went earlier in the week and my Sis is going later in the week.

Now I love my new kitten but I also love my sleep. I am generally a very very sound sleeper and although I stay up late I get a solid night's sleep. The last two weeks I have been up and down all night because some crazy kitten insists on chasing her tail under the covers or attacking anything that moves (including eyelashes). Spending the next 5 nights in hotels will mean catching up.

A month later (no not a month late)

It has been just over a month since our trip to the fertility clinic and I've had a few emails asking how I have been. I had really hoped that I could say I'm doing so much better. Unfortunately, it is still constantly on my mind and still very much an open wound. I have stopped weeping every time someone looks at me but I am surprised at how often I am struck by sadness and how unexpected it always is.

For the last three years I have been upset at baby announcements, baby showers and holidays. That is just par for the course. However, it is now the strangest things that set me off.

• stupid hockey theme baby blankets
• people walking with their children
• people complaining about their children
• parent/teacher night
• baby food commercials
• Old Navy halloween costume

I have been living with the frustration of waiting to have a baby, but now there is a despair in knowing that it is not going to happen at all. It is a whole new level that is taking some time to get acclimatized to. My fear is that it will not get better and that for the rest of my days I will be brought to tears by everyday things. Chances are good that my friends, family and neighbours will continue to have children and I can't stand the thought of always being the miserable wet blanket.

I really appreciate the lengths that those around me have gone to comfort me and accommodate my sensitive spots. I just wish they didn't have to do it. I know that people tip-toe around me on the baby stuff, like waiting for the right moment to tell me someone is expecting, not recommending certain books or movies, or the awkward silence walking by the baby section at the mall. I've been quite open about where I am emotionally because I feel like I need the support of my friends but I hate making the people feel uncomfortable.

I guess I hadn't realized that my situation would rob me of the joy I got from taking part in other people's pregnancies and children. I loved making handmade things and buying cute toys and outfits. Now it is just too hard. There are a lot of blogs, success stories and support for people in the midst of fertility treatments. There does not seem to be much out there on what happens when you run out of options.

It is not that I think my feelings are unjustified or I'm not clear on why I feel the way I do. I just wish I knew how long it is going to last. I am also still angry about our appointment with the fertility clinic and now that it has been a month I think I will write a letter to both my specialist here and the clinic administration. On the upside, they have not billed us for our consultation - yet.

Geez, I bet you guys are sorry you asked!

Crafty ideas for charity

Each year my friends and I put together Christmas gift baskets for women who have left abusive relationships. The shelter has 8 apartments where women and their children can live for up to a year while they rebuild their lives. The women often find it hard to make ends meet and most rely on the food bank to feed their families.

This time each year I ask for a list of the ages for the boys and girls living in the shelter and the ages of the women. It is not a lot of information to go on soI am constantly trying to think of good, general gift ideas for the women. The children are easy to buy for and people are anxious to buy for the kids. I find it harder to get items for the moms. One of the comments that we have had each year is how much they appreciate handmade items. We ususally include a handmade dishcloth and I make neck warmers out of snuggly flannel. Of course, Christmas would not be complete without goodies so we have a cookie swap where we do up 8 trays of goodies. I would like to do something different this year.

Does anyone have ideas for handmade gifts that are quick, easy, inexpensive and suitable for someone you don't know anything about? It is a tough one. I'd love to hear some suggestions!

Introducing Purl!

My sister often takes kittens into foster care for the local SPCA. A month ago she got a call about a little girl kitty found in a ditch on the side of the road. The woman who found her said she was going to adopt her when she was big enough. The next day someone else brought in a little boy kitten from the same ditch. Sis adopted the little boy and when she went to return the little girl they told her she was up for adoption.

Taking advantage of my weakened emotional state, she called from the shelter to tell me she was bringing home the baby girl for me. I've named her Purl and she is so sweet. She is trying to make friends with my other kitty but it was not love at first site for Athena.

I am absolutely smitten by the kitten. Without further ado - here's Purl.

What a way to start the day!

Earlier this week I was awakened by Hubby saying, "There is a parcel for you!" Hurray! It was a big box from my Virtual Vacation Swap. As it turns out I went to Kansas, and look at all the goodies I got.

That Mandy is just too good to me. I got a Kansas keychain, scrunchies, chocolate, popcorn (which Hubby is drooling over), coffee and tea, a beautiful dishcloth, a cute postcard, two citrus candles, and yummy smelling soaps. I also got all of the things I things I need to make a beautiful blue and purple felted bag. And I can't tell you how much I love the magnet and mug she sent.

In case you can't read my blurry photo they both say: "Dear Dorthy; Hate Oz, took the shoes, find your own way home! Toto" I LOVE it - they have already made their way to my office and are the envy of my co-workers.


This week I also got to take my Monkey to the Exibition. He went on all of the kiddie rides and then wanted to go on the big Ferris Wheel. I was shocked at how much he remembered from his trip last year. Before we even got there he had told me about all the rides he was going on, starting with the rockets that he was too small for last year. He also insisted that he was going to have cotton candy on the cone and so he did!

That is one happy boy!

After he went home I met up with some friends and stayed all night riding the rides, eating dippy dogs and chocolate dipped frozen bananas. I had a great time, there were surprisingly few people. I was a little disappointed that there was no Whack-A-Mole. They must have heard I was coming and hid it so I wouldn't win the giant prize again this year!

I must be feeling better - I picked up my needles again.

Ta DA! My first unsupervised sock! Okay so it is only a plain jane ankle sock but it is mine and I love it. I will now attempt something I have never done before - knit a second sock. You may recall that my first sock was a collaboration with Canknitian and we each knit a sock for a friend's birthday. This was also my first attempt at knitting with sock yarn on those teeny tiny little needles.

When I showed my grandfather he laughed, he had tried to teach me to knit mittens with four dpn and I insisted that was way too many needles. I kept ending up with two needles holding the stitches and two in my hand. A year later I am knitting socks with 5 dpns! Just wait until I get the gumption to try knitting them on two circulars.

I am plesantly surprised to be upright before noon today. Last night we had a birthday extravaganza for my little sister's 30th birthday. I had the honour of putting together a poster of old photos, including some wicked Christmas morning hair. Sis's best friend rented a lodge for the party and it was a really good time. Because my sister does not eat sweets we had to do things a little differently, instead of a cake we had a platter with different cheeseballs set with candles and for one night only my beloved chocolate fountain was filled with nacho cheese sauce. I have to admit the flowing, dripping cheese was both yummy and mesmerizing but I still prefer the chocolate. The lumpy bits are jalepenos.

Canknitian arrived safe and somewhat sound from her sis's wedding and said the bride loved the cake I did for them. I saw a couple pictures on her camera but I can't wait to see the bigger photos to see how it turned out with the Gerbers. RB came with her new man, apparently we were not able to scare him off the first time around. Last night may have done it, to be specific her dance routine with my husband. (Anybody remember the episode of Friends where Monica and Ross revive a dance routine they had as teens? Yeah, just like that.)

I drank too much and said "Consequences be damned, I am going to eat that sweet, buttery, salty crunchy, fresh hydrocooled corn." I regret nothing - but I'm sure I will pay today. We tore up the dance floor while the boys played cards. At the end of the night I did a half-ass job of cleaning the cheese out of the fountain before heading home to bed. (Note to self: clean the cheese out of the fountain.) Tomorrow it is back to the grind.

Happy Labour Day everyone and Happy Birthday Lil' Sis.

Slowly crawling out of my hole.

So you may be thinking that I've been spending the last few weeks crying in my bed. While I did spend a few full days there I have been slowly but surely crawling out of the hole and back to life. Instead, I've been crying at work, at restuants, in my car, when anyone looks at me,(mostly kidding) but I've done a pretty good job at avoiding the temptation to spend the next month in bed.


I find that anytime I am not busy I'm in trouble. I've been running myself ragged so that I don't think about baby stuff and so at night I am exhausted and can sleep. I'm not prone to depression, like everyone I've had my moments, but I am generally a take charge and move on kind of person and it is really unnatural to me to wake up crying and feel on the verge of tears all day.


It is hit or miss these days, I did have a minor meltdown earlier this week when my pregnant cousin sent me two separate invitations to her baby shower and then a link to a webpage they have created for their unborn child. To my credit, I did not melt down at her, I did however ask my sister (who got the brunt of it) to intervene and politely ask her to stop sending me baby related stuff.

Yesterday, I managed to buy sleepers for my cousin who just had a baby girl and my cousin who is expecting - with out tears. I gave myself a "Suck it up" speech and put them in the cart, only to cry all the way home from Moncton.

I think at this moment I am my own worst enemy. I am beating myself up for not "getting over this already" and I feel the need to bottle it all up because people are probably sick to death of my self-pity party- I know I am.

So part of keeping myself busy was finalizing and sending my Knitter's Virtual Vacation Swap package and doing my part for Team Canada for Dish Rag Tag. (By the way thanks to Ruby for the great stitch markers and beautiful rainbow dish rag.) Done and Done! I can't wait to get my package from my pal.

Here is my new favourite dish rag pattern, it is textured and great for scrubbing. It is a great first project for a beginner. If you don't know how to crochet there are lots of great sites and even some YouTube videos that can show you these basic stitches. Chain, Single Crochet, Double Crochet

Chain 29-33 sts depending on your tension and desired size. Turn.

Beginning with a single crochet in the third chain from the hook work each stitch across alternating between single crochet (sc) and double crochet (dc). Turn

Continue to work the pattern, alternating sc and dc stitches. If the stitch below is a sc you should dc into the top, if the stitch below is a dc you should sc into the top. Once you have reached your desired length you can tie off and you're done.

Depending on how fancy you like your dish rags you could work around the dishrag with a single crochet or a more elaborate edging.

Did I mention it is fast too. I did mine in approximately 45 minutes. Too bad I was not home early enough to get it back in the mail the same day. I did my best to reinforce the box a little as it was pretty squished when I got it.

I should also mention that Monkey and I were featured on the front page of a local paper for our summer reading and we more than met our goal of another 100 books. As a reward I gave him a beautiful book and cd of Puff the Magic Dragon. Poor little monkey had an eye infection and has to stay home from daycare today so I will be closing the office early and sending all my staff home for an extra long weekend. It's good to be the queen.

I want to say thank you again to everyone online and off for the wonderful support. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a good long weekend.

Best Pals in the World

These arrived at my office yesterday afternoon. I immediately burst into tears, not the intended response I'm sure, but I was very touched that they would do this for me.


(They intended to have them sent to my house, but Hubby redirected the flower shop to my office.)

Time is moving very slowly.

I can't get over how slowly time has moved in the last three days. Yesterday was particularly drawn out. Every hour seemed like three. It probably doesn't help that I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Hubby came home for lunch and kicked my butt out of bed but shortly after he left I found myself wandering around the house and since I couldn't even stand my own company it was either pour myself a drink or go back to sleep. I went to bed.

Last night a couple of friends came by to watch tv and that seems to help. I know I need to keep busy and avoid being alone but I am such bad company it doesn't seem fair to make anyone put up with me. There are lots of people offering but I am such a downer. I try to keep it together but it seems everything makes me cry. Even sitting here at work it is too quiet and I find my mind wandering. If I wasn't so damn busy I'd take a couple of days off.

I know I will eventually get back to feeling like myself but it in the meantime every hour is creeping by. Thanks to everyone for the support, it is comforting and I have been checking my email and comments frequently for a little boost from my online pals.

Worse than expected

I'm not sure what to say about our trip. The news was worse than we expected. The only viable option seems to be invitro which is something I was never prepared to do. It would cost $10,000 a cycle with no guarantees that they will even be able to go through with it. If they are able to do the invitro it only increases our chances of having a baby by 30-40%. They want to do more test on Hubby and if everything checks out with him there is a chance we could do the injections at a bargain price of $2000/month for a 10-20% chance of getting pregnant if they are able to complete the cycle and a 20-30% chance of multiples.

It felt like the whole appointment was a disaster. They didn't have all of my paperwork and had to have it faxed down. There were tests they thought should have been done every year that had not been done since 2003 and 90% on the consultation with with some 20 year old intern who made me cry despite my best efforts to keep my composure.

The most frustrating part is they think the Clomid may have been working for most of the cycles and that the doc here was just testing too soon. They are also concerned that they did not do an in depth analysis of Hubby and there is a chance that the last three years was a complete waste of time because of a male factor. Three years of an emotional rollercoaster, putting my body and mind through hell, for nothing.

There is no point in going any further with it, if they test Hubby again and find a problem it only means that our options are limited to IVF and I'm not willing to go there.

I am so angry and frustrated and just incredibly sad. Every time I think I can't possibly cry any more I am right back where I started. I just can't see where to even start to deal with it all.

This morning my grandmother, who loves me dearly, said absolutely everything I did NOT want to hear in the span of three minutes.

• You need to just relax and stop trying and it will happen
• My aunt tried for 10 years and then they gave up and adopted and right after they had 5 of their own.
• God works in mysterious ways

And let's not forget to tie it all up in my absolute favourite: Everything happens for a reason!

I am so miserable I can't even stand myself.

So it is over, I will never be pregnant, I will never have a baby belly, a baby shower, or an ultrasound picture to hang on the fridge, it will just never happen for me and I'm not sure I will ever get over it. My heart is just broken.

Feeling lonely

In a week where I have more work to do than I can possibly get done in three days I am finding it impossible to focus. I am absolutely terrified about my trip to the fertility clinic in Halifax. I'm not even sure what I'm worried about, we are just going for a consultation.

I think it may mostly be the weight of the decision to be made. I feel pressure on all sides, I know Hubby is desperately hoping I will agree to take the next step, my family thinks I've been through enough and I stuck in the middle not sure what I want and not ready to disappoint anyone. I know the decision is my own and I have to do what is right for me but I find it impossible to block out how my decision affects Hubby.

It has just been a rough week all around, work pressure topped with and lots of pregnancy related news, photos and shower invitations for family and friends. In fact, one cousin is having her third baby as I write. As much as it is comforting to read the blogs of others struggling with infertility, I still find that I feel incredibly alone. I don't have any friends who are in the same boat as I am, not that I would wish it on them. I am an incredibly social being and it is just really hard knowing that I am in this all by myself.

This may sound unfair to my Hubby, but while we share the sadness about having fertility issues, we are not in the same position. Firstly, it is my body that refuses to cooperate and I feel like a failure. Secondly, we have different priorities and different limits on what we are willing to do to achieve our mutual goal of having a family. Finally, the decision is my hands while he understands it is difficult for me but he is not experiencing the same pressure and internal struggle. On the flip-side there is no way I can fully comprehend the frustration he feels at having his hopes tied up in something completely beyond his control.

I wish I had someone who knows what it feels like, without the need for explanation. I have lots of good friends who empathize and support me, but no one who completely understands. I didn't know it was possible to be surrounded by so many people who love you and would do anything for you and still feel this lonely.

I am not use to being so mopey, I generally have smile on my face and it feels unnatural to be this sad. I can't even fake it. I feel sick everytime I eat, I can't sleep, and I catch myself frowning, slumping my shoulders and daubing my eyes all day. I hate that my brain has become so preoccupied with this. It seems it is all I can talk about.

I know my posts seem a little bi-polar but I really did have fun on the birthday weekend and was able to push it aside for a couple of days. It may have been the rum, it looks like I may have to take up drinking to get any work done!

Cheers!