Worse than expected

I'm not sure what to say about our trip. The news was worse than we expected. The only viable option seems to be invitro which is something I was never prepared to do. It would cost $10,000 a cycle with no guarantees that they will even be able to go through with it. If they are able to do the invitro it only increases our chances of having a baby by 30-40%. They want to do more test on Hubby and if everything checks out with him there is a chance we could do the injections at a bargain price of $2000/month for a 10-20% chance of getting pregnant if they are able to complete the cycle and a 20-30% chance of multiples.

It felt like the whole appointment was a disaster. They didn't have all of my paperwork and had to have it faxed down. There were tests they thought should have been done every year that had not been done since 2003 and 90% on the consultation with with some 20 year old intern who made me cry despite my best efforts to keep my composure.

The most frustrating part is they think the Clomid may have been working for most of the cycles and that the doc here was just testing too soon. They are also concerned that they did not do an in depth analysis of Hubby and there is a chance that the last three years was a complete waste of time because of a male factor. Three years of an emotional rollercoaster, putting my body and mind through hell, for nothing.

There is no point in going any further with it, if they test Hubby again and find a problem it only means that our options are limited to IVF and I'm not willing to go there.

I am so angry and frustrated and just incredibly sad. Every time I think I can't possibly cry any more I am right back where I started. I just can't see where to even start to deal with it all.

This morning my grandmother, who loves me dearly, said absolutely everything I did NOT want to hear in the span of three minutes.

• You need to just relax and stop trying and it will happen
• My aunt tried for 10 years and then they gave up and adopted and right after they had 5 of their own.
• God works in mysterious ways

And let's not forget to tie it all up in my absolute favourite: Everything happens for a reason!

I am so miserable I can't even stand myself.

So it is over, I will never be pregnant, I will never have a baby belly, a baby shower, or an ultrasound picture to hang on the fridge, it will just never happen for me and I'm not sure I will ever get over it. My heart is just broken.