The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 4 - The end

This is the end of the Clomid Chronicles, I've finished my last round and barring a miracle in the next few weeks I will not be having a child. I have a wicked case of 'poor me' with a whole lot of "what the hell did I do to deserve this" It is clouding everything and things I would normally take great joy in are just heartbreaking.

I forced myself to keep my weekly library night with the Monkey, its not fair to him to cancel. We are all but 3 books away from our goal of 100 books. I had thought about planning party for the occasion but I'm not feeling festive. I will do something for him but I just can't get excited about it myself. I can't help but feel like I am some pathetic barren aunt with no children of her own so she spoils someone else's kids. Next I'll be adopting 50 cats!

In other good news, on the day I have to give up my hope of a baby, my brother has kids coming out of the woodwork. He tells me that he has finally found his 13 year old son. He knew he had a son but he and the mother had split up when she was pregnant and she wanted to raise him on her own. My brother is only 2 years older than me and he "officially" has three children. He has also reunited with the Mouse's mom.

If you are trying to track the family tree you may get lost in the forest. My "new" nephew is the oldest of my nephew and nieces, he is the same age as my youngest brother and only a few months older than his little sister (don't ask) and 11 years older than his youngest sister (Mouse). In an odd coincidence he is exactly the same age my brother was when he found our father.

Like I said, at another time I would be overjoyed, I am happy for both of them. I have often wondered about him and if I would ever have the chance to meet him. I know it has nothing to do with me but it just feels like another painful reminder that I am the only one in my family who cannot have children. With a number of cousins with due dates in the next few months this will only get harder.

I'm tired of listening to myself mope, kudos to those of you who have read along through the chronicles. I really appreciate the supportive notes, they do help.

The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 3 - Bad News

What a bad, bad, crumby, miserable day. I was right about the Doctor's news - it was all bad. It appears the next few days will mark the end of the Clomid Chronicles. Apparently, I am 1% of his patients that have not had success on these drugs. He told me I was just a tough cookie and the drugs have had little or no impact on my bloodwork. Wile it will be nice to be myself again, eventually, it means the end of the road for my fertility treatments.

Our insurance will not cover any injectable hormones or any IVF treatments. We could afford to do a couple of months but it would mean some serious life changes, set back out house buying plans and cost us thousands of dollars a month on a chance. I'm not sure it is even worth going for the consultation.

Hubby is taking it hard and both of us have been miserable today. I cried at work, in the car, at the doctor's, at home, at pilates, and even at the ice cream parlor. Its is a sad state of affairs when ice cream can't cheer me up. I tried to avoid the two new staff members as best I could with out coming across as rude.

I'm off to bed to finally end the day.

The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 2 - Bracing myself.

This round I have kept myself quite busy and this has helped a lot. Having no time to wallow does it. I have been run ragged at work, I was even in over the long weekend trying to put the finishing touches on my year end report. With a full 62 pages compiled, I all but put the stamp on it last night. Hurray! Now I get to spend three weeks writing a proposal to do it all again next year.

I must tell you that on Saturday I had a small um, let's call it an incident (sounds better than 'fit'). I got up, hit the shower and put my watch and rings back on. A couple of hours later I noticed I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. I figured I must not have put them back on, although I was sure I had because I was wearing my watch. I checked the shelf where I distinctly remembered putting them before my shower. Gone. OMG I've lost my wedding rings! Could they have fallen into the toilet? No, I was the only one home I would have noticed. I ran around the house in a panic trying to find my rings, checked the nightstand, the kitchen they were no where to be found. I was on the verge of having a complete meltdown, I figured these damn crazy pills had me so messed up I couldn't remember where I put them, as I sat wringing my hands I noticed that I had put them on the wrong hand. Doh! On a sane day I would have sat down to think about it and noticed it was on the wrong hand, on a Clomid day I go right from zero to crazy.

I am bracing myself for my Dr.'s appointment this morning. What is he thinking putting me in a waiting room with a bunch of pregnant people on Day 7. (the first day 7 I have ever had) We are going to talk about the result from my HSG and my bloodwork. I know he's just going to tell me that the drugs aren't working and that the HSG came back clear. As crazy as the pills make me, I am afraid he is going to take me off and tell me there is nothing more he can do. I had so much hope that I was pregnant just two weeks ago and I don't think I'm ready to give up the possibility of having a pregnancy. There have been times when I was ready to quit, and swore I would never take the pills again but that would have been my choice and not someone telling me that it isn't an option is so much different. It is like deciding that you need to loose some weight compared to having a someone tell you to loose a few pounds. It is a big difference.

I guess I don't want to admit to myself that I am just that broken. It feels like a personal failure although I am completely aware that I have no control over it.

Send me all your good vibes, I could use them today.

The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 1 - There not fair and then there is just playing dirty!

I am sorry to announce the second volume of the Clomid Chronicles. I am feeling a little bit resentful about this round (yes, more than usual). This is mostly because I was sure it had worked and that I would be announcing happy news. Which brings me to the title of this installment. Life is not fair, we all know this, but there is not fair and then there is just playing dirty! I know I only set myself up for disappointment by getting my hopes up but this month I was 5 DAYS late. That is a long time, I took the pregnancy tests stashed in my cupboard. (Those who have not dealt with infertility may not know this but you can buy pregnancy test strips in bulk!) Each time the test was negative - not even a hint but I told myself it may just be too soon to test. Sadly that is not the case.

I asked Hubby to go to the drugstore to pick up the Crazy Pills and he came back in a huff. They said they didn't have it, so your doctor probably didn't call it in. He asked the woman at the pharmacy if there was anything she could do since I was suppose to start the pills that night and he said the woman was really rude to him so he had stormed out. (It is not like they are prescription pain meds!)


So I called the pharmacy and got the woman on the phone, I told her my name and said that my husband had just left there and said there was some mix-up with my prescription. She snarked at me and told me she had checked everywhere and it was NOT there. So I explained that last month there was some confusion because they had filled the order as soon as the Doc called it in and it had been sitting at the cash, when I called to fill it they told me there were no refills. I asked if it was possible that this had happened again.


She assured me that she had looked already and that they filled my last prescription on June 11. Ah-ha! To told her that was the day the doc had called it in, it must be there. I explained that it would have been a full month ago that I picked up the last prescription. (A full month and 5 DAYS to be precise!) I then had the audacity to ask her to "please look again. " She assured me again that she had already looked but that she would (reluctantly) look again. "Sigh" Wait, wait, wait. "I am SO sorry, they were at the back of the drawer by the cash. Can someone be here in the next 8 minutes to pick it up before close?"


So it was off to a rocky start. When I got the prescription - on Day 2 - I looked at the label and noticed that he has bumped up the dose again. It is still 3 pills a day but for 7 days instead of 5. Yikes!


I have done my due diligence and warned my co-workers. This is after all crunch time for final reports and financial statements and STRESS + CRAZY =TROUBLE! Stay tuned!


Now here are the promised pictures from our weekend at the beach with Monkey and my FABULOUS Spring Felted Bag!




Monkey and Teecee flying a kite

Monkey helps build the fire.


We put the crab in the bucket (and touched it!)

Hubby and Monkey in the water.


In my happy place!
And now the bag!





Purple also makes me happy! Look at this bag! I love the beautifully knit roses and Laurie did a great job on the lining. I really like the handles too, it gives it a very professional look. I just can't find handles like that here. All I can really find is the bamboo circles.
Thanks again Laurie, you rock!

They are going to freeze my WHAT!

So I was torturing myself today by reading up on the procedure I'm suppose to have tomorrow. It all sounds terrible but I was interested in reading how other people made out and what their experiences had been. Some said they had nothing more than mild cramps, others would lead you to believe it was hell. So I'm skimming over someone's post about their HSG when a word jumps off the page: Lidocaine.

Suddenly it occurs to me that this means they may be doing some freezing south of the equator, and then the panic. I could barely breathe. I listed in my 7 random things meme was the fact that I am terrified of dentists. This extends to a overall phobia of needles and, in particular, freezing. At Pilates the instructor tries to get us to tighten everything up by telling us to imagine that someone is coming at your "who-ha" with a pin. Well someone may actually try it tomorrow!!! WTF!

Once I started breathing again, thanks to RB who made me laugh in spite of myself, I started reading again and that was the only mention of freezing in connection with the HSG. Now it could just be that everyone assumes you know and the subsequent abdominal pain makes them forget about the freezing but I can't imagine that some of the more detailed overviews would leave something like that out. RB also spoke to someone who had one done at our hospital and they said they did not have any freezing. Whew! Hubby may actually get me through the doors if there is only a chance of freezing. Once they get me on the table it will be a little harder to run away.

Getting back to the "syndrome" I have been thinking about Bambi vs. Godzilla ever since Hubby so delicately pointed out that I was a monster. If you haven't seen this VERY short cartoon it is worth checking out.

Unbelievable Weekend

I have had an "unbelievable" weekend. For instance I did not believe my sister when she told me our friend won $100,000 on a scratch ticket he picked up on his lunch break. I have good reason not to believe her, she is always trying to get people going but it turns out to be true. This friend works for my mother and she confirmed it. He was off to claim his money today.



I also did not believe my Hubby when he told me that there is a named syndrome for the ups and downs I've been having with the Clomid. He said he read it in a pregnancy book dropped off for someone at his work who is expecting. The conversation when like this:



Hubby "This book listed all the side effects that are associated with taking Clomid and they seem to be what you are going through. "


Wifey: (inner dialogue - no s#!t Sherlock I've only been taking it for 3 years, I know the side effects. At least he is reading about it and sounds sympathetic.)


Hubby: They even have a name for the syndrome associated with the mood swings that you have been having.


Wifey: "Really?"


Hubby: "Yeah its called 'Bambi/Hitler Syndrome, you know because you can be Bambi one moment and Hitler the next."


Wifey: (inner dialogue: Is he calling me Hitler? He's NOT calling me Hitler?)
"Are you calling me Hitler? Because you should know that there is a cause and effect thing here - if you call me Hitler I'm going to get upset."


Hubby: "No dear, I'm not calling you Hitler (inner dialogue: ... anymore or at least not out loud. Please stay Bambi, please stay Bambi!) I just thought you'd be interested in knowing that's what they called it.


Wife: I think it was just the author of the book trying to be funny, they can't really call it that.


Hubby: Yeah they could at least call it something like Bambi/Godzilla Syndrome.


Wifey: (inner dialogue - Great to know he thinks of me more as a monster.)


You may also find this unbelievable, but when I later did a Google Search there were not a lot of hits but one in particular jumped out

"The Bambi-Hitler syndrome. Manifestations. Emotional mood swings. Altered perceptions. Similar to PMS, but lasts all month long ..."

Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, & Neonatal Nursing
Volume 20 Issue 4 Page 321 - July 1991

Yes, it is a real medical journal - I checked it out.

Unbelievable.

On the crafty front I still don't have a project. I have taken the advice given and started dishclothes but it just isn't cutting it. I NEED to have the pattern for the fuchsia Noni bag. Only problem is they don't sell it locally, any place I've found in Canada that has it is backordered and the cheapest I can have it shipped from the States is with a flat rate of $12 (for what will be a letter sized envelope. It just seems a little much.

But maybe it's worth it.

Anyone done this bag or any of the other Noni bags? I'd be interested to know how they found the pattern and if they were happy with the way it turned out.

The Clomid Chronicles -Part 2 - Grieving Hope

The birds are chirping so it's official, I have now spent all night crying.

I had a good day, I met a new prof from the law school we went for coffee after the photo op for my Charitable Giving publication and he recommended I do some graduate studies. (An educated nice guy who things I'm brilliant - I must be able to set him up with one of my friends.) I had a snooze in the sun this afternoon on my new swing and spent a lovely evening with friends. The tears were kept to a minium with only a few escapees when giving the girls the update from my appointment.

Tonight I woke up from a dead sleep and in an instant it dawned on me that I had lost my hope of getting pregnant. I immediately started sobbing. Not just a little misty-eyed, full-out pillow stiffling sobs. I have spent all night greiving my hope of a pregnancy. I know there is still a "chance" but I have lost the "hope" that has brought me through 3 years of treatments.

I still don't believe that Hubby and I will always be childless. If the fertility treatments don't work we will eventually adopt but I will first have to greive the loss of hope of a preganancy, of a newborn baby, of having a child with Hubby's eyes and my nose. I have to get over disappointing my hubby, our family and everyone who has been rooting for me.

I read an article about studies on women experiencing infertility and how they were shown to have the same stress levels as women with other medical conditions such as heart disease or HIV. It's little wonder I'm at my wit's end.

I've got to pull myself together try not to look like I've been up all night before I wake the Hubby. Don't get me wrong, he's very supportive and would have sat up with me all night, but he's participating in a fundraiser of a youth program this morning and then off to work so I didn't want to wake him. He'll get the full sob-by-sob replay when he gets home.

Maybe a little Ben and Jerry's Breakfast will start the day right! I've got an ice cream date set up for this afternoon. I probably just need to get back on my doctor approved all ice cream diet.

I also desperately need a new crafting project. I've been unable to pick a project and have gone through all of my pattern books with nothing catching my interest. Fellow crafter's I'm calling on you, I need some recommendations for something quick, satisfying and made with easy to find yarn (preferably from my growing stash) in either knit or crochet.

I know I'm always apologizing for the poor me rants but I really find a lot of comfort in knowing I'm not the only one out there going through this by reading other people's fertility blogs and I hope that someone else may find something helpful in my little meltdowns.

For example, I did crack a smile when I came across the following on the blog "Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies but apparently neither does sex" I hope she doesn't mind that I posted it here but I just had to share!

Clomid Chronicles: Thank Heavens for Little Boys, Friends and Family

Warning:
Those readers just looking for an update on the latest crafty project or swap will probably want to check back in a couple of weeks.

Those readers who enjoy soap operas may want pop some corn and stay tuned for the train wreck that my life is about to become. That’s right it’s time for another installment of the “Clomid Chronicles” Now in 3D (triple dose!)

I had a very disappointing appointment with my Doc yesterday. In fact, the whole ordeal was a disaster. I have been going to see him for three years and so I’ve learned to prepare myself for a waiting room full of pregnant bellies, the posters of mothers with their newborns, pictures of all of the babies delivered by the Doc etc. I’m even prepared for the staff to ask me how many weeks I am and making me announce to the waiting room that I am there because of infertility. I have dealt with all of this repeatedly but yesterday was too much. When I walked into the office there were no less than 10 signs posted that said:

BABY BOOM ALERT!
We are experiencing a Baby Boom and currently have more pregnancies than our doctors typically handle. Please be prepared for delays between appointments as we try to accommodate the larger than normal number of pregnant patients.

It makes perfect sense; we recently had a bunch of soldiers head to Afghanistan (say about 3 months ago) so the baby boom is to be expected. However, my already fragile, infertile brain reads: “EVERYONE IS PREGNANT BUT YOU!” I told the Doc he was killing me with the signs and he agreed that it wasn’t fair.

Then he tells me that the drugs still aren’t working (which I knew) and that he felt he had done all he could do for me. Gulp. I was not prepared for that. I knew that eventually we may have to consider going to see an out-of-province specialist and have to decided how much we could afford or would be willing to spend on more invasive options like IVF. I just was ready for eventually to be today.

The next step will be a hysterosalpingogram (which I’m told is most unpleasant and quite painful) and then waiting for a consultation date in Nova Scotia. In the meantime, I start the 3D dose of Clomid and hope that next month is the month! It gets a little frustrating when 15 babies have been born to friends and family in the 3 years I’ve been taking the crazy pills.

I’m a mess already and I don’t start the pills until tonight. I cried at the Doc’s office, I cried in the car, I cried when I broke the news to Hubby, I cried at pilates, I cried at my sister’s and then went home and cried some more. And oh boy does it show today. Luckily, I scheduled a photo for the Charities press release for tomorrow.

Thank heavens for little boys, friends and family. Canknitian let me cry in the car on the way to Pilates, Monkey made me smile by having a meltdown when I said it was too late to go to the library, Sis fed me cookies and ice cream, The Papa (my step-dad) listened to me talk to Mom about my fallopian tubes without turning red and leaving the room, RB reminded me Nova Scotia = road trip, and Hubby bought me a meter of fabric I wanted to make a bag for myself. (He’s a good man who knows the way to a crafter’s heart.)

I really am trying to pull myself out of this but I fear the Clomid will make that pretty hard in the next few days so bear with me!

I had the time of my life...

Tonight I went to see Dirty Dancing on the big screen. As part of the 20th anniversary of the film (and to promote the stage show coming to Toronto) they are showing it for two nights. Both days were sold out by supper, luckily I went after work and pick up tickets for me and the girls. I think we counted 3 brave men in sea of women. I had never seen it on the big screen, it was a blast! I can't imagine how many times I have seen the movie, I also played the soundtrack to death.

It makes me miss going out dancing. I remember the days when I spent every Thursday night to Sunday morning on the dancefloor. There is not really any place for adults to go dancing here. It is a university town and the bars are filled with young skinny half-naked girls. It is hard to feel as confident as we did 10 years ago.

The crazies have all but passed and I am feeling much more like myself again. I had a slight set back when my Dr. left a message saying he was increasing the dose again. Poor Hubby may not survive "Triple Crazy". If I set up a swear jar I may save a fortune next month.

All of my friends have recently discovered Facebook. What a blast finding old friends and seeing the pictures people post. One thing I can say is that we have a lot of fun. Hubby and I have a great group of friends who are up for anything and we are always planning some adventure, costume party or ways to improve our annual birthday bash on the beach. (Less than 100 days to go - I can hear the hammock calling my name.)

I think I've come to a decision on the job front. I've decided that it is worth keeping a job that I love until I find a job that at least interests me and pays better. I have so many friends that are bailing on high paying firm jobs because they hate going to work everyday. While I would prefer to work from home any day I have to say that I don't dread going to work. Besides, if I leave who is going to scare the pants off of the kids by telling them what will happen if they break the law. Also, I am the only lawyer in the province, and possibly the country who has their own handy dandy prize wheel.




As you can see from the photo the prize wheel can also be used to encourage bad behaviour!

Infertility and God

There must be a great comfort in religion. I envy people who have the benefit of a true and complete belief that there is someone looking over them and if they are good and if they are patient every thing will work out in the end. Ever since I can remember I have questioned faith, at bible camp I was the kid asking “If in the beginning there was the “Word” then where did the word come from?” I’ve never had faith.

Hubby is a good Catholic boy, by which I mean he attends Mass more frequently than most of my friends. Most of my friends and family have religion and faith and part of their understanding of life and the world. There is a lot about religion that appeals to me the support network, volunteerism, optimism, and the reassurance of a guiding force. I could easily slip into religion, except for the fact that I don’t believe.

In the midst of my Clomid Craze I find myself once again searching the internet for a kindred spirit, someone who has been faced with the same decisions with regards to fertility and adoption. As an agnostic I can’t help but notice the number of references to “God’s Plan” and prayer. The common belief that “Everything happens for a reason” just does not work for me.

It seems like a small thing but when you are trying to make sense of something as big as infertility there is a fundamental difference in how you rationalize things and how you decide enough is enough. I recently came upon this short story “A Mom Wannabe”, I identify so strongly with this woman except for the part where she is comforted by her faith.

I’m tired of being a Mom Wannabe. I enjoy being the favourite Aunt and spoiling everyone else’s kids but it does not replace the desire to be parent. I often wonder if it comes across as pathetic, spending so much time and affection on other people’s kids, trying desperately to fill the void. Everyone comments on how great it is that I am so close with my nephew and I love being an Aunt, but I really want to be a Mom and a favourite Aunt.