A month later (no not a month late)

It has been just over a month since our trip to the fertility clinic and I've had a few emails asking how I have been. I had really hoped that I could say I'm doing so much better. Unfortunately, it is still constantly on my mind and still very much an open wound. I have stopped weeping every time someone looks at me but I am surprised at how often I am struck by sadness and how unexpected it always is.

For the last three years I have been upset at baby announcements, baby showers and holidays. That is just par for the course. However, it is now the strangest things that set me off.

• stupid hockey theme baby blankets
• people walking with their children
• people complaining about their children
• parent/teacher night
• baby food commercials
• Old Navy halloween costume

I have been living with the frustration of waiting to have a baby, but now there is a despair in knowing that it is not going to happen at all. It is a whole new level that is taking some time to get acclimatized to. My fear is that it will not get better and that for the rest of my days I will be brought to tears by everyday things. Chances are good that my friends, family and neighbours will continue to have children and I can't stand the thought of always being the miserable wet blanket.

I really appreciate the lengths that those around me have gone to comfort me and accommodate my sensitive spots. I just wish they didn't have to do it. I know that people tip-toe around me on the baby stuff, like waiting for the right moment to tell me someone is expecting, not recommending certain books or movies, or the awkward silence walking by the baby section at the mall. I've been quite open about where I am emotionally because I feel like I need the support of my friends but I hate making the people feel uncomfortable.

I guess I hadn't realized that my situation would rob me of the joy I got from taking part in other people's pregnancies and children. I loved making handmade things and buying cute toys and outfits. Now it is just too hard. There are a lot of blogs, success stories and support for people in the midst of fertility treatments. There does not seem to be much out there on what happens when you run out of options.

It is not that I think my feelings are unjustified or I'm not clear on why I feel the way I do. I just wish I knew how long it is going to last. I am also still angry about our appointment with the fertility clinic and now that it has been a month I think I will write a letter to both my specialist here and the clinic administration. On the upside, they have not billed us for our consultation - yet.

Geez, I bet you guys are sorry you asked!