101 unmarketable skills

10 years of marriage

2008-06-23T10:12:00.002-04:00

Okay so I've neglected my blog for the last 6 months.

I did start to write the following post for my anniversary in June but it never got finished. I started it on our anniversary and celebrated with our friends late into the night. I must have planned to finish it the next morning but that was the day I found out I am deathly allergic to asprin. Thank goodness for good friends and good drugs.

I'll post an update soon with all the excitement we've had in the last 6 months but for now here is the post from June.

June 2008
I can hardly believe I've been married for 10 years! Turning 30 didn't faze me a bit but being married 10 years makes me feel old. Of course the fact that my Grandparents have been married for 60 years makes 10 seem like a drop in the bucket.

All the same it is milestone! Although the time has flown by it certainly hasn't been an easy ride. We have had the normal ups and downs that come from being married young like learning to manage money and stress. We've survived law school, three heart surgeries, years of fertility treatments and the related drama. We've also had a lot of fun, adventures and good friends. One thing I can say for certain is that it has never been boring.

When I look back I think we were soooo young. I was only 22 and Hubby was 24. We didn't rush into it by any means, we had dated for 4 years and were engaged for a year and a half before the actual wedding. We were the first of our friends to get married and the girls who stood up with me then are still among my closest friends today.

Things I've learned in 10 years of marriage:

You can be truly in love at 22.

The person you marry today will be exactly the same in 10 years. You will not change their habits, bad jokes or hobbies. If they leave dirty socks in the living room they probably always will. (you can't undo 24 years of habit in 10 years but maybe by our 25th anniversary...)

My personal opinion is that you should definately live with someone before you get married. The things that drive you nuts today will still drive you crazy in 10 years. You may think that leaving that you'd get over the fact they leave the cap of the toothpaste but 3650 mornings later it will still annoy you.

It takes just as much patience for someone to live with you for 10 years as it does for you to live with them.

"Your in-laws" eventually become just "your family".

"In sickness and in heath" is not just something you say in your vows, you have to mean it.

Even though you think in 14 years you could know everything about someone they will still say/do/buy things that will completely shock you.

You will remember some details from your wedding day but will completely forget some of the names in the guest book. ("Didn't they work with you?")

I'm not sure what else I had planned to add to this list back in June but I have to say that a marriage, or at least my marriage, could not survive without the support of friends and family. The secret of our success has been having friends who surround us with love, share our sad days and celebrate our good times. Some people put a lot of effort keeping up appearances but Hubby andI rely on our friends and luckily they are always there for us.

Packing and Unpacking

2008-04-12T06:56:00.003-04:00

Last week our office moved up from the 1st floor to the 4th floor of our building. Just far enough that we had to pack everything and unpack everything, and we have a lot of things! It has been a good excuse to do some spring cleaning and I did find some hidden gems.

I found a note that Lil' Bro had written for me when he was in Grade 5. I was giving a presentation for his class and then had to meet with one of the local police officers to talk about my video project. My Lil' Bro lives about an hour from me and while I was pretty sure where the police station was I wanted to be certain. I asked the teacher to give me directions and Lil' Bro pipes up and says he knows the way and he will write the directions for me. This is what he wrote

- left from school

- left at Daliys

- left at lights

- left at licker store

- left at poleice

I found a print out of the article about the "All Ice Cream Fertility Diet". I think I'm still carrying around some of the "High Fat" from that one. It didn't work but maybe I just didn't try hard enough. Just in case, I had ice cream twice last night.

I found some pictures of our Birthday Weekend a couple of years ago and discovered that our new bookkeeper knows my friend's ex and had met RB a couple of times before.

I found an email that RB recieved from someone when she was doing the online dating thing. The guy wrote in all caps about how he couldn't have overnight guests where he lived but he did have a car. A great pick-up line when you are 16 but not so much in your 30's. Besides WRITING IN ALL CAPS THAT YOU WANT TO DO IT IN YOUR CAR GIVES A KINDA CREEPY VIBE. I'm really glad that she eventually found a really good man who is very good to her.

To wrap up the week, we took my boss out for drinks and dessert on Friday night. Hubby came to pick me up and had flagged down a friend on the way. She joined us for dinner and then I dropped her off at home on my way to a 'stitching function' with the girls.

On the home front, Hubby got his date to go for his surgery. He goes in on the 28th, surgery on the 29th and if all goes well we'll be home by the 30th. In the meantime, he is preoccupied with Hockey (Go Habs) and he and Monkey are having a hockey playoffs sleepover tonight while Lil' Sis is writing her final exam. Foxy will be coming too! We got permission from the landlord and he'll be gradually moving in over the next few weeks.

Sugarbush and Foxy Brown

2008-03-30T12:15:00.006-04:00

I've had a great weekend. My workshop on Friday went off without a hitch and I was able to come home Friday night instead of Saturday morning. Hubby and I had a quiet tv night. On Saturday morning we picked up my Monkey and my friend's little boy and took them out to Kings Landing for the Sugarbush. Another friend and her son went with us and we had a great time. Fresh air, maple candy right from the tree, sliding, mud puddles and music make for a perfect outing for little boys.

I'd like you to meet Foxy!

Foxy was seized from a very bad home and has been in fostercare with Lil' Sis. (She calls him Herbie.) I think he is beautiful. He is a 3 yr old Pomeranian and weighs all of 6 lbs. Even Purl out weighs him! Sis has gone on an overnight excursion to Maine and Hubby and I have taken Foxy for a sleepover to see how he gets along with the cats. So far it is MUCH better than we expected. He is so timid the cats are not afraid of him.

He has been very good. He has spent most of the time curled up with me or following me around like a shadow. He has not made any noise other than some wimpering this morning which was resolved by bringing him to the bedroom. This afternoon he and Athena were both curled up in the chair. He still needs some time to be housebroken but Sis is going to get him litter trained. so we don't even have to worry about getting home on time or getting up at 5 am. Hubby is sold and now we have to convince the landlord that he really is just another cat.

Do you think I can pull off a hot new look?

2008-03-25T22:21:00.004-04:00

I came home yesterday after a lonnng day at work and an appointment discussing transplant centers with the cardiologist and decided that all I wanted to do was lay in the sun. I changed out of my work clothes and stretched out on the living room floor under the picture window. I was going to pretend it was a beautiful sunny day and not the last week of March.

It lasted for about 2 minutes before the kitten decided to pounce on a shadow and use my face as the launch pad. OUCH! I had two fresh scars for my presentation tonight. I tried my best to pull it off as the newest fad. It is two bright red lines coming from the corners of my eye. I put on a pound of make-up, darker lipstick to draw attention away from my eye. I also posted a picture of the vicious 8 pound puffball that attacked me as the backdrop for my presentation.

It must have worked because I had some very positive comments on the presentation despite the fact that the material is dreadfully boring. I'm leaving tomorrow for my last tax law information session. I can't wait to have it over and done with. On a high note, the script for my video new video for youth victims has been approved I will soon start to working on a project for youth in foster care. Something with more 'life' to it than tax law.

I'll be taking my WIP to work on in the hotel! I can't wait for a little downtime, I can lay around without fear of a kitten making trackmarks on my face.

Hello again

2008-03-23T12:52:00.002-04:00

I finally got a few minutes to myself on Easter Sunday to catch up. When I last wrote Hubby was waiting for surgery again. They did not end up doing the surgery in January. When he got to SJ they did all of the tests, got him prepped for surgery and just minutes before they began the surgeon decided to run the diagnostics again. He thought that it may just be a matter of time before the lead settled into place and decided not to do the surgery.

A few weeks later with a change is meds Hubby is feeling much better and is back to work (promoted even!). Unfortunately, the wire did not settle into place and we are once again waiting for surgery. They are consulting with other surgeons to see if they should proceed. At least this time he will not have to be in hospital waiting.

In the meantime, I have been working my butt off to get all of my work projects wrapped up by March 31st. Once the projects are done I have to pack up my office for a move to the 4th floor. This is a pain in the neck but good news. It means I will be able to open my curtains and enjoy the sunshine. Being on the ground floor, I had a view of the loading bay and lots or delivery guys staring in. I kept my curtains closed so I didn’t always feel like I was in the zoo.

In the crafty end of things my last project turned out great! My friends Wordnerd and MD just had a beautiful baby boy and I made a pillow for the nursery. The new Papa produces his own comics including one that features their very handsome beagle, Genghis. I took one of his drawings and turned it into a knitting pattern for the pillow. The back is a very soft plush. It was a hit! You can a few shots of the pillow in a fantastic short video Papa MD made of baby’s trip home. (Love, love, love the video.) I am so glad they are finally all home safe and sound. I also got signed up for Ravelry. I think it will be great when I have more time to play around with it. If you are on you can look me up as TheCraftyCanadian.

I’m looking forward to catching up more with everyone when March is over.
C.C.

Starting Over

2008-01-12T14:47:00.000-05:00

So my Hubby is right back to where we started a month ago, sitting in hospital waiting for surgery.

He spoke to his doctor here on Thursday because he was not recovering as quickly as they thought he would and was feeling sick and tired all of the time. The doc decided to squeeze him in for an ECG at the hospital on Friday. The ECG came back that his rhythm was good so doc figured that it was most likely the medications that were causing him to feel worn out. He decided to reduce the drugs and let the ICD take over controlling the heart rate.

We were scheduled to go back to SJ to have the machine checked in 3 weeks time. The hospital here only has clinics for pacemakers and ICDs on Fridays and they just do one brand, or make, of machine each week. Luckily we knew what make his ICD was and it just happened to be that company rep who was doing the clinic yesterday. It was pure luck and they were able to squeeze him in.

When they hooked the ICD up to the diagnostic machine and looked at the history everything looked great, but when they tried to make his heart speed up so they could check the rhythm it wouldn't work. In the end they discovered that one of the wires into the heart had come loose so they had to shut off the machine immediately because it could shock him unnecessarily and in the wrong part of the heart. In an a matter of minutes the situation changed from being on our way home to being admitted and waiting for surgery again.

They think they can get him in for surgery next week. In the meantime, Hubby has to stay in hospital so they can monitor his heart. He was pretty upset about the whole thing yesterday afternoon but once he had something to eat and a visit from Monkey he was in much better spirits and less cranky about his accommodations. (they didn't have a regular room available so he is in a treatment room.) He also got the first good night's sleep he's had in a long time and looked better rested this morning.

He is not thrilled about having to redo the surgery and start his recovery from scratch. We both realize how lucky he is that they happened to catch the problem before they took him off the medications and relied on the machine.

Personally, I'm exhausted from the last month. I can't even imagine how tired I will be after another two months! I just want to have him healthy and at home. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that this is the last surgery he'll need for the next 5 years.

Thanks again to everyone for all the support.

Happy Holidays from Crafty Canadian and her Bionic Boy

2007-12-22T21:23:00.001-05:00

Well another month has flown by. I can't believe it, while my concerns about being childless at Christmas were all I could think about last month, this month brought a whole new category of drama and I have hardly had time to think about anything.

Two weeks ago at 4:00 am I woke Hubby up because I had a dream that he had died suddenly of complications from his heart condition. I was crying when I woke up and the dream was so real his snoring in the bed beside me actually startled me. I woke him up in the dead of night to tell him I was glad he wasn't dead. He mumbled something about also being glad he was not dead and drifted back to sleep.

In the morning I got up and went to the market, got my hair done and went shopping for something fabulous to wear to Hubby's work party. I told my friend about my dream and she assured me that it meant good things for the person I had dreamt of. When I told her how upset I was the night before we joked that it was probably a good thing that after so long I still wanted him around. When I got home Hubby was making himself a light lunch and after we relaxed on the couch and watched TV. I told him again that I was glad he was still alive. Twenty minutes later we were rushing to the hospital.

Hubby has had heart problems since he was 12 and 5 years ago we went to Toronto for open heart surgery to remove an overgrown muscle blocking 85% of the blood flow. His heart function was immediately improved and after a lengthy recovery he was better than ever. After 16 years he was off all heart medication and feeling great.

Two weeks ago things changed suddenly. Hubby was saying something was wrong with his heart and was beginning to panic. We were very use to being in and out of hospital and so I quickly got him dressed, put him in the car and drove to the emergency. Fortunately we live only 8 minutes away, when we arrived I parked the car outside the ER doors and helped him inside the doors where we got help immediately. I handed him off to the nurses, told them he had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and went to move the car. When I came back there were 8 nurses and doctors hovered over him and his pulse was 273. It was beating erratically and racing out of control.

After a couple of hours, I called my parents and they came to the hospital and waited outside the ICU. It took all night and a lot of medication to finally get it within a normal range. At one point they prepared to shock his heart with the defibrillator to reset the rhythm, fortunately they did not have to resort to that. Although I was very worried, I was incredibly calm. I was in "The Zone", there was a lot going on, a lot of new information to take in and I knew I had to be calm and clear.

After a couple of days in Cardiac Care they were able to get his heart rate under control with the medication but the test result were very negative. There were half a dozen serious problems with the heart that had developed as a result of his condition. Any one of them would have been cause for concern. They said it was fortunate that his heart had given him a warning and not simply shut down. They told us he would eventually need a heart transplant but they were going to see what they could do in the meantime. We waited in hospital a few more days until they could get us to a hospital with a cardiac care centre.

He arrived at the new hospital by ambulance last Tuesday afternoon and within a few hours they told him they were going to be taking him at 7:30 am for surgery. The next morning they implanted a defibrillator inside his chest to reset the heart if the rhythm got out of control or to restart heart if it stopped beating. Unlike a pacemaker that delivers a slight and constant message to the heart, this one packs more of a punch and only kicks in when the heart is in crisis.

Fortunately he came through with flying colours. The surgery went very well, they tested the device to ensure that it was working properly and by Thursday afternoon he was ready to come home. He will have a long recovery with 6wks to 6 months of no driving and 4-6 weeks of not lifting his hands above his shoulders.

He is now referring to himself as the $30,000 man although because we live in Canada the total cost to us for the device plus surger, hospital stay, ambulance etc. was $0.00. His work even covered my hotel stay and most of my meals. My biggest expenses were gas and parking.

We are so happy to be home for Christmas. We didn't think it would be possible and while being home has a whole other set of challenges (I'm exhausted already) it is great to be home and with family for Christmas. We will have a low key celebration this year. I am going to miss having a tree and having decorations but it is just too much work with everything else to be done.

So far I've been doing great at keeping it together, through all the bad news and surgery I have been calm and together, with just a few minor cracks. I was like this when he had his operation five years ago and I know it is just a matter of time before I fall to pieces but it will not likely be until he has been given the all clear by his docs. If he has to go through this every 5 years to replace the device we may get very good at adapting to it all. He has always had heart problems but they were more gradual and progressive, the complications are now far greater and more imminent than they were before.

We are very thankful for our wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive. They have offered help in every way since he first landed in the hospital. Last night someone dropped off a curry chicken which was fantastic because it means I did not have to cook. While we have not had a lot of visitors because everyone is gone for the holidays, we have had lots of emails and calls from our friends and family. We are so lucky to have them all!

To all my online pals, Happy Holidays and best wishes for a happy and healthy 2008!

November in a Nutshell

2007-12-03T15:21:00.000-05:00

Just another rollercoaster month. If you have read this blog with any regularity you know that silence usually means all is good or I’m keeping secrets. This month was a bit of both.

If you thought dressing up was just for Halloween, you don’t hang out with the right crowd. We were off to Halifax for our Grease-theme prom. I was the best dancer from St. Bernadette’s (with the worst reputation). Hubby went in a powder blue tuxedo and taped up glasses. We danced the night away despite the snowstorm. The rest of the weekend Canknitian and I did a whole lot of shopping. We bought clothes, yarn and candy from Freak Lunchbox. I bought a pattern and alpaca to make thrummed mittens.
Another favourite find was the Trichomania solid shampoo from Lush. Love it!

The next weekend was the 70’s theme dance for the local animal shelter. We usually go as a big crowd and have a lot of fun. Our two tables came away with more than our share of the prizes (authentic 70’s items like pole lamps, hockey trivia games, and string art). Sadly no one at our table one the sectional sofa with built in bar.

Work has been crazy with lots and lots to do. Sadly my partner lost her father and will be out of work for a while. My heart goes out to her and her family, she was just engaged and making plans for a wedding and it is too hard to deal with a death in the family this time of year. I’ve discovered how much I need her, without her here to vent with I’m getting short tempered and actually had a huge argument with my boss on Friday. On the plus side, by the time she gets back she and I may both have significant raises. (That’s just the kind of friend I am.)

My little brother is in trouble, again. This time he is being questioned about a broken lamppost at the entrance to the subdivision. Of course, no one thought to contact me, I’m just the only one in the family with a law degree and an expertise in youth justice. Naturally it is more important to sweep it under the carpet and pretend that nothing is wrong. Why is it that people still don’t understand that I always find this stuff out?

My Big Bro has started a new job and is moving to town and seems to be doing well. Lil’ Sis is a dog groomer so she’ll be busy until Christmas making all the pups beautiful.
Monkey and I have been regularly going to the library and he is doing really well with his reading and writing. (I’m so proud!)

Monkey is wild waiting for Santa! We took him to the Christmas parade last week and the next day he got his picture taken with Santa. Sis said he whispered with Santa for 10 minutes back and forth and when he got down Santa said “That little boy is the next Prime Minister!” He still won’t tell us what he said to him only that he didn’t ask for anything because Santa already knows what he wants.

On the secret side of things, we were given renewed hope on the out of province adoption. We were kind of hoping for a big Christmas announcement that things were underway. The family was pushing for us on the NS side and was told that they would look into the process of an interprovincial adoption for us.

Surprise, surprise, another disappointment, the case worker called today to say that when she started asking questions she was told they would not be willing to consider an out of province placement for the little girl, despite the family’s wishes. I guess nothing is ever easy when you can get pregnant.

Now it will be a matter of holding my breath and trying to get through the “Season for Families with Children.” I’m sure others can relate, once there are grandchildren in the family and your friends start having kids Christmas is never the same. I am very tempted to take an advance on my vacation for next year and spend the next three weeks holed up at home celebrating the “hard liquor season” instead. Here’s a tip for instantly identifying the infertile couples at your coming Christmas parties – look for the people drinking rum and eggnog from the carton and making light of the fact they don’t have to get up with the kids in the morning.

Luckily I have most of my Christmas shopping done and wrapped, and I will be gathering up the last the items for the transition house in the next two weeks.

October in a nutshell

2007-11-05T14:25:00.000-05:00

Where did October go?

Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since I have updated my blog. There has been a lot going on and I just can’t believe that it is already November. The missing month has had some ups and some downs and I will try to catch you up as quickly as possible. The key word for October has been BUSY!

Let’s get the bad stuff right out of the way.

Halloween kicked off what is sadly become a string of funerals. Last week began with the loss of my Great Uncle, the funeral was on Wednesday. Thursday, a group of girls traveled out of town to support a friend at her grandmother’s funeral, and Friday my cousin’s partner committed suicide leaving her a single mother to their young son. I also found out my grandmother is not well and will not strong enough to undergo the surgery required to save her life. While, she is technically my “ex-step-grandmother” she has been a grandparent to me since I was 8 years old. She lives with my “ex-stepmother” and my little brother and the coming months will be very hard on all of them.

I think part of the reason I have been avoiding updating my blog is that I was really hoping to have some good news. I must start by saying I am feeling much more like myself now that all of the fertility drugs are out of my system. I am not so easily upset and feel sane again. Although I think Christmas will still be a challenge, I am beginning to accept that life will go on with out a pregnancy.

This acceptance was spurred on by the fact that Hubby and I were approached about a private adoption. We kept our fingers crossed; our lips sealed and tried not to get our hopes up too much. Sadly, in taking the time to weigh their options the family let things get too and the girl is now in protective custody. Private adoption is no longer an option and an inter-provincial adoption would be complicated and too lengthy to be in the girl’s best interest. While we completely understand how and why things worked out the way they have, Hubby and I can’t help but be disappointed, both for the girl and for ourselves.

So eventually it will be back to the drawing board to consider the rest of our options, in the meantime November does not show any signs of slowing down and we will likely be full-tilt until the New Year.

Work has been very hectic and I am currently writing three publications which have to be printed by January, including the rewrite of a 100 page book. So far things are chugging along but I have not had a spare moment. I have also been preparing for workshops on reporting forms for charities – thrilling stuff. My first workshop was on Friday and you know it is bad when you nearly put yourself to sleep.

I have been practicing many of my unmarketable skills in the last month. I did a wedding cake for a fall wedding. I don’t often do cakes for people I don’t know but I was asked by my cousin and despite my concerns, the bride and groom were both thrilled with the way it turned out. I wish I had better pictures but these should give you a general idea.

I have also been at my sewing machine working on a beautiful prom dress. Next weekend is our annual “prom” weekend. Friends host a yearly theme party and this year it is a 50’s Prom in Halifax. While I would not usually go to such great lengths for a theme party, I was able to get a great deal on the fabric and pattern when a fabric store went out of business and I think the dress could easily be used again on New Year’s or some other event. I will post pictures when I finish mine later this week but here is the pattern:

Thanksgiving gave me the opportunity to make one of my favourite cakes – Princeton Orange Cake. We had a large family gathering with 15 for dinner. Later that week Monkey and I made apple crisp with apples we picked ourselves. We had a great time picking apples again and the Cortlands were finally ready! My sis has discovered that if you make a chunky applesauce with cinnamon, sprinkle granola on top and toss in it the microwave for a bit it tastes like apple crisp. Yummy! I have been eating a lot of “apple crisp” for breakfast.

Hubby and I went to a friend’s Halloween house party. There were a lot of great costumes. My friend and I went as inmates at a Women’s Prison, I would post the pictures but I’m afraid there are already far too many unflattering photos of me in my prison orange dress floating around out there. Yikes!

I have been collecting goodies for the ladies at the transition house and my spare room is starting to fill up with items for the 8 Christmas gift baskets. I will have to start checking my list to see who I have left to buy for this Christmas. We have managed to get a Guitar Hero game for my little brother and he will soooo excited. Hubby bought a copy for the Wii and we have been playing it quite a bit. It is a lot of fun.

Some November good news!
My cousin finally had her baby boy and both are healthy and happy. He has beautiful red hair and 5 names. K.P.R.M.W. is going to make even initialing something a chore.

My little brother was in town this weekend to accept his Chief Scout Award from the "Left-handed" Governor. (Lieutenant Governor). The award ceremony was held at the Legislature and there was a reception at the "Left-handed" Governor's home. I was very proud of him, I gave him the only gift I could be sure a 13 year old boy would appreciate - money.

On the road again...

2007-09-26T07:00:00.000-04:00

I'm on the road again, off to Halifax for a conference. Halifax is just not as exciting as going to the Rockies last year. First off, I go there quite frequently and I had never seen the Rockies and secondly we drive to Halifax and we flew to Alberta. I love flying. I like the anticipation at the airport, the excitement as you take off and watching everything get very very tiny. I especially love flying into a new city and getting a birds eye view of the place.

The drive to Halifax is not too bad it is 4 hours and we are in no rush to get there. EB and I will leave this morning and only have to be at the hotel for a reception at 7:00. Hard to say what we would do with a few hours to ourselves (drink or shop, drink or shop-tough call!) We head back on Friday afternoon and as soon as my feet hit home I'm repacking my bags for a trip to AMERICA!

With the Canadian $ so high, a lot of people are swarming to Maine for some shopping. (Anyone know of any good yarn shops in Bangor?) I am going with Hubby and three friends for the weekend. Apparently there is a good chance I'll run into my mother and aunt on my shopping excursion, they are also going to Maine. My grandparents went earlier in the week and my Sis is going later in the week.

Now I love my new kitten but I also love my sleep. I am generally a very very sound sleeper and although I stay up late I get a solid night's sleep. The last two weeks I have been up and down all night because some crazy kitten insists on chasing her tail under the covers or attacking anything that moves (including eyelashes). Spending the next 5 nights in hotels will mean catching up.

A month later (no not a month late)

2007-09-21T14:17:00.000-04:00

It has been just over a month since our trip to the fertility clinic and I've had a few emails asking how I have been. I had really hoped that I could say I'm doing so much better. Unfortunately, it is still constantly on my mind and still very much an open wound. I have stopped weeping every time someone looks at me but I am surprised at how often I am struck by sadness and how unexpected it always is.

For the last three years I have been upset at baby announcements, baby showers and holidays. That is just par for the course. However, it is now the strangest things that set me off.

stupid hockey theme baby blankets
people walking with their children
people complaining about their children
parent/teacher night
baby food commercials
Old Navy halloween costume

I have been living with the frustration of waiting to have a baby, but now there is a despair in knowing that it is not going to happen at all. It is a whole new level that is taking some time to get acclimatized to. My fear is that it will not get better and that for the rest of my days I will be brought to tears by everyday things. Chances are good that my friends, family and neighbours will continue to have children and I can't stand the thought of always being the miserable wet blanket.

I really appreciate the lengths that those around me have gone to comfort me and accommodate my sensitive spots. I just wish they didn't have to do it. I know that people tip-toe around me on the baby stuff, like waiting for the right moment to tell me someone is expecting, not recommending certain books or movies, or the awkward silence walking by the baby section at the mall. I've been quite open about where I am emotionally because I feel like I need the support of my friends but I hate making the people feel uncomfortable.

I guess I hadn't realized that my situation would rob me of the joy I got from taking part in other people's pregnancies and children. I loved making handmade things and buying cute toys and outfits. Now it is just too hard. There are a lot of blogs, success stories and support for people in the midst of fertility treatments. There does not seem to be much out there on what happens when you run out of options.

It is not that I think my feelings are unjustified or I'm not clear on why I feel the way I do. I just wish I knew how long it is going to last. I am also still angry about our appointment with the fertility clinic and now that it has been a month I think I will write a letter to both my specialist here and the clinic administration. On the upside, they have not billed us for our consultation - yet.

Geez, I bet you guys are sorry you asked!

Crafty ideas for charity

2007-09-21T13:47:00.000-04:00

Each year my friends and I put together Christmas gift baskets for women who have left abusive relationships. The shelter has 8 apartments where women and their children can live for up to a year while they rebuild their lives. The women often find it hard to make ends meet and most rely on the food bank to feed their families.

This time each year I ask for a list of the ages for the boys and girls living in the shelter and the ages of the women. It is not a lot of information to go on soI am constantly trying to think of good, general gift ideas for the women. The children are easy to buy for and people are anxious to buy for the kids. I find it harder to get items for the moms. One of the comments that we have had each year is how much they appreciate handmade items. We ususally include a handmade dishcloth and I make neck warmers out of snuggly flannel. Of course, Christmas would not be complete without goodies so we have a cookie swap where we do up 8 trays of goodies. I would like to do something different this year.

Does anyone have ideas for handmade gifts that are quick, easy, inexpensive and suitable for someone you don't know anything about? It is a tough one. I'd love to hear some suggestions!

Introducing Purl!

2007-09-17T21:41:00.000-04:00

My sister often takes kittens into foster care for the local SPCA. A month ago she got a call about a little girl kitty found in a ditch on the side of the road. The woman who found her said she was going to adopt her when she was big enough. The next day someone else brought in a little boy kitten from the same ditch. Sis adopted the little boy and when she went to return the little girl they told her she was up for adoption.

Taking advantage of my weakened emotional state, she called from the shelter to tell me she was bringing home the baby girl for me. I've named her Purl and she is so sweet. She is trying to make friends with my other kitty but it was not love at first site for Athena.

I am absolutely smitten by the kitten. Without further ado - here's Purl.

What a way to start the day!

2007-09-07T07:23:00.000-04:00

Earlier this week I was awakened by Hubby saying, "There is a parcel for you!" Hurray! It was a big box from my Virtual Vacation Swap. As it turns out I went to Kansas, and look at all the goodies I got.

That Mandy is just too good to me. I got a Kansas keychain, scrunchies, chocolate, popcorn (which Hubby is drooling over), coffee and tea, a beautiful dishcloth, a cute postcard, two citrus candles, and yummy smelling soaps. I also got all of the things I things I need to make a beautiful blue and purple felted bag. And I can't tell you how much I love the magnet and mug she sent.

In case you can't read my blurry photo they both say: "Dear Dorthy; Hate Oz, took the shoes, find your own way home! Toto" I LOVE it - they have already made their way to my office and are the envy of my co-workers.

This week I also got to take my Monkey to the Exibition. He went on all of the kiddie rides and then wanted to go on the big Ferris Wheel. I was shocked at how much he remembered from his trip last year. Before we even got there he had told me about all the rides he was going on, starting with the rockets that he was too small for last year. He also insisted that he was going to have cotton candy on the cone and so he did!

That is one happy boy!

After he went home I met up with some friends and stayed all night riding the rides, eating dippy dogs and chocolate dipped frozen bananas. I had a great time, there were surprisingly few people. I was a little disappointed that there was no Whack-A-Mole. They must have heard I was coming and hid it so I wouldn't win the giant prize again this year!

I must be feeling better - I picked up my needles again.

2007-09-03T08:37:00.000-04:00

Ta DA! My first unsupervised sock! Okay so it is only a plain jane ankle sock but it is mine and I love it. I will now attempt something I have never done before - knit a second sock. You may recall that my first sock was a collaboration with Canknitian and we each knit a sock for a friend's birthday. This was also my first attempt at knitting with sock yarn on those teeny tiny little needles.

When I showed my grandfather he laughed, he had tried to teach me to knit mittens with four dpn and I insisted that was way too many needles. I kept ending up with two needles holding the stitches and two in my hand. A year later I am knitting socks with 5 dpns! Just wait until I get the gumption to try knitting them on two circulars.

I am plesantly surprised to be upright before noon today. Last night we had a birthday extravaganza for my little sister's 30th birthday. I had the honour of putting together a poster of old photos, including some wicked Christmas morning hair. Sis's best friend rented a lodge for the party and it was a really good time. Because my sister does not eat sweets we had to do things a little differently, instead of a cake we had a platter with different cheeseballs set with candles and for one night only my beloved chocolate fountain was filled with nacho cheese sauce. I have to admit the flowing, dripping cheese was both yummy and mesmerizing but I still prefer the chocolate. The lumpy bits are jalepenos.

Canknitian arrived safe and somewhat sound from her sis's wedding and said the bride loved the cake I did for them. I saw a couple pictures on her camera but I can't wait to see the bigger photos to see how it turned out with the Gerbers. RB came with her new man, apparently we were not able to scare him off the first time around. Last night may have done it, to be specific her dance routine with my husband. (Anybody remember the episode of Friends where Monica and Ross revive a dance routine they had as teens? Yeah, just like that.)

I drank too much and said "Consequences be damned, I am going to eat that sweet, buttery, salty crunchy, fresh hydrocooled corn." I regret nothing - but I'm sure I will pay today. We tore up the dance floor while the boys played cards. At the end of the night I did a half-ass job of cleaning the cheese out of the fountain before heading home to bed. (Note to self: clean the cheese out of the fountain.) Tomorrow it is back to the grind.

Happy Labour Day everyone and Happy Birthday Lil' Sis.

Slowly crawling out of my hole.

2007-08-31T07:47:00.000-04:00

So you may be thinking that I've been spending the last few weeks crying in my bed. While I did spend a few full days there I have been slowly but surely crawling out of the hole and back to life. Instead, I've been crying at work, at restuants, in my car, when anyone looks at me,(mostly kidding) but I've done a pretty good job at avoiding the temptation to spend the next month in bed.

I find that anytime I am not busy I'm in trouble. I've been running myself ragged so that I don't think about baby stuff and so at night I am exhausted and can sleep. I'm not prone to depression, like everyone I've had my moments, but I am generally a take charge and move on kind of person and it is really unnatural to me to wake up crying and feel on the verge of tears all day.

It is hit or miss these days, I did have a minor meltdown earlier this week when my pregnant cousin sent me two separate invitations to her baby shower and then a link to a webpage they have created for their unborn child. To my credit, I did not melt down at her, I did however ask my sister (who got the brunt of it) to intervene and politely ask her to stop sending me baby related stuff.

Yesterday, I managed to buy sleepers for my cousin who just had a baby girl and my cousin who is expecting - with out tears. I gave myself a "Suck it up" speech and put them in the cart, only to cry all the way home from Moncton.

I think at this moment I am my own worst enemy. I am beating myself up for not "getting over this already" and I feel the need to bottle it all up because people are probably sick to death of my self-pity party- I know I am.

So part of keeping myself busy was finalizing and sending my Knitter's Virtual Vacation Swap package and doing my part for Team Canada for Dish Rag Tag. (By the way thanks to Ruby for the great stitch markers and beautiful rainbow dish rag.) Done and Done! I can't wait to get my package from my pal.

Here is my new favourite dish rag pattern, it is textured and great for scrubbing. It is a great first project for a beginner. If you don't know how to crochet there are lots of great sites and even some YouTube videos that can show you these basic stitches. Chain, Single Crochet, Double Crochet

Chain 29-33 sts depending on your tension and desired size. Turn.

Beginning with a single crochet in the third chain from the hook work each stitch across alternating between single crochet (sc) and double crochet (dc). Turn

Continue to work the pattern, alternating sc and dc stitches. If the stitch below is a sc you should dc into the top, if the stitch below is a dc you should sc into the top. Once you have reached your desired length you can tie off and you're done.

Depending on how fancy you like your dish rags you could work around the dishrag with a single crochet or a more elaborate edging.

Did I mention it is fast too. I did mine in approximately 45 minutes. Too bad I was not home early enough to get it back in the mail the same day. I did my best to reinforce the box a little as it was pretty squished when I got it.

I should also mention that Monkey and I were featured on the front page of a local paper for our summer reading and we more than met our goal of another 100 books. As a reward I gave him a beautiful book and cd of Puff the Magic Dragon. Poor little monkey had an eye infection and has to stay home from daycare today so I will be closing the office early and sending all my staff home for an extra long weekend. It's good to be the queen.

I want to say thank you again to everyone online and off for the wonderful support. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a good long weekend.

Best Pals in the World

2007-08-21T07:07:00.000-04:00

These arrived at my office yesterday afternoon. I immediately burst into tears, not the intended response I'm sure, but I was very touched that they would do this for me.

(They intended to have them sent to my house, but Hubby redirected the flower shop to my office.)

Time is moving very slowly.

2007-08-20T10:24:00.000-04:00

I can't get over how slowly time has moved in the last three days. Yesterday was particularly drawn out. Every hour seemed like three. It probably doesn't help that I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Hubby came home for lunch and kicked my butt out of bed but shortly after he left I found myself wandering around the house and since I couldn't even stand my own company it was either pour myself a drink or go back to sleep. I went to bed.

Last night a couple of friends came by to watch tv and that seems to help. I know I need to keep busy and avoid being alone but I am such bad company it doesn't seem fair to make anyone put up with me. There are lots of people offering but I am such a downer. I try to keep it together but it seems everything makes me cry. Even sitting here at work it is too quiet and I find my mind wandering. If I wasn't so damn busy I'd take a couple of days off.

I know I will eventually get back to feeling like myself but it in the meantime every hour is creeping by. Thanks to everyone for the support, it is comforting and I have been checking my email and comments frequently for a little boost from my online pals.

Worse than expected

2007-08-18T12:15:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what to say about our trip. The news was worse than we expected. The only viable option seems to be invitro which is something I was never prepared to do. It would cost $10,000 a cycle with no guarantees that they will even be able to go through with it. If they are able to do the invitro it only increases our chances of having a baby by 30-40%. They want to do more test on Hubby and if everything checks out with him there is a chance we could do the injections at a bargain price of $2000/month for a 10-20% chance of getting pregnant if they are able to complete the cycle and a 20-30% chance of multiples.

It felt like the whole appointment was a disaster. They didn't have all of my paperwork and had to have it faxed down. There were tests they thought should have been done every year that had not been done since 2003 and 90% on the consultation with with some 20 year old intern who made me cry despite my best efforts to keep my composure.

The most frustrating part is they think the Clomid may have been working for most of the cycles and that the doc here was just testing too soon. They are also concerned that they did not do an in depth analysis of Hubby and there is a chance that the last three years was a complete waste of time because of a male factor. Three years of an emotional rollercoaster, putting my body and mind through hell, for nothing.

There is no point in going any further with it, if they test Hubby again and find a problem it only means that our options are limited to IVF and I'm not willing to go there.

I am so angry and frustrated and just incredibly sad. Every time I think I can't possibly cry any more I am right back where I started. I just can't see where to even start to deal with it all.

This morning my grandmother, who loves me dearly, said absolutely everything I did NOT want to hear in the span of three minutes.

You need to just relax and stop trying and it will happen
My aunt tried for 10 years and then they gave up and adopted and right after they had 5 of their own.
God works in mysterious ways

And let's not forget to tie it all up in my absolute favourite: Everything happens for a reason!

I am so miserable I can't even stand myself.

So it is over, I will never be pregnant, I will never have a baby belly, a baby shower, or an ultrasound picture to hang on the fridge, it will just never happen for me and I'm not sure I will ever get over it. My heart is just broken.

Feeling lonely

2007-08-15T09:21:00.000-04:00

In a week where I have more work to do than I can possibly get done in three days I am finding it impossible to focus. I am absolutely terrified about my trip to the fertility clinic in Halifax. I'm not even sure what I'm worried about, we are just going for a consultation.

I think it may mostly be the weight of the decision to be made. I feel pressure on all sides, I know Hubby is desperately hoping I will agree to take the next step, my family thinks I've been through enough and I stuck in the middle not sure what I want and not ready to disappoint anyone. I know the decision is my own and I have to do what is right for me but I find it impossible to block out how my decision affects Hubby.

It has just been a rough week all around, work pressure topped with and lots of pregnancy related news, photos and shower invitations for family and friends. In fact, one cousin is having her third baby as I write. As much as it is comforting to read the blogs of others struggling with infertility, I still find that I feel incredibly alone. I don't have any friends who are in the same boat as I am, not that I would wish it on them. I am an incredibly social being and it is just really hard knowing that I am in this all by myself.

This may sound unfair to my Hubby, but while we share the sadness about having fertility issues, we are not in the same position. Firstly, it is my body that refuses to cooperate and I feel like a failure. Secondly, we have different priorities and different limits on what we are willing to do to achieve our mutual goal of having a family. Finally, the decision is my hands while he understands it is difficult for me but he is not experiencing the same pressure and internal struggle. On the flip-side there is no way I can fully comprehend the frustration he feels at having his hopes tied up in something completely beyond his control.

I wish I had someone who knows what it feels like, without the need for explanation. I have lots of good friends who empathize and support me, but no one who completely understands. I didn't know it was possible to be surrounded by so many people who love you and would do anything for you and still feel this lonely.

I am not use to being so mopey, I generally have smile on my face and it feels unnatural to be this sad. I can't even fake it. I feel sick everytime I eat, I can't sleep, and I catch myself frowning, slumping my shoulders and daubing my eyes all day. I hate that my brain has become so preoccupied with this. It seems it is all I can talk about.

I know my posts seem a little bi-polar but I really did have fun on the birthday weekend and was able to push it aside for a couple of days. It may have been the rum, it looks like I may have to take up drinking to get any work done!

Cheers!

Short and Sweet

2007-08-14T07:51:00.000-04:00

I know you have all been waiting to hear about my birthday extravaganza. I think the pictures say it all.

Hubby and I trapped in a giant lobster trap.

In my happy place.

The water was beautiful.

Group photo, there were 27 of us this year.

Yes, even fireworks! We had a spectacular show that put others down the beach to shame.

Happy Brithday to Me (and Hubby)

2007-08-02T10:36:00.000-04:00

It is Birthday Weekend - The happiest time of the year! In my mind I am already on the beach, sand between my toes, Marista in my hand. The Marista is a drink my Sis and her pal came up with last year that contains several types of juice, raspberry ginger ale and rum, lots and lots of rum. My co-workers had a cake and prezzies for me today and in the bag was a little pillow that hangs on your door knob that says " The Princess sleeps here". They bought it as a marker for my hammock. I also got a box of chocolates. It is going to be a good weekend.

My MIL has gone completely overboard buying 5 turkeys and 3 hams for the 30 people. Oh and a ton of hamburgers and sausages. Hubby and CL left this morning so they could help with last minute set up. I unfortunately can't leave until 5:00 tomorrow. Yuck! I will miss almost all of Hubby's birthday. I will only arrive about 9:00. Just in time for a fire on the beach. The good news is my tent will be all set up although I only sleep in it if it is raining.

I sent my bags and gear ahead so I will have a quiet evening at home tonight and will be able to spend the trip there catching up with my pal RB who has just returned from two weeks out west. I think I should make a cd with our favourite road trip artists - ABBA, Dr. Hook, Neil Diamond, John Denver, Great Big Sea, Juice Newton, more ABBA. Any recommendations?

Before I go here are some of the highlights from our trip to Montreal.

This was one of the stilt walkers in the Just for Laughs Parade

They had fantastic floats. I love Mr. Bean.

Whack-A-Mole prize for the Monkey

Big Scary Rollercoaster!

Organ fun at the Science Center with Hubby

Hubby and I at the Botanical GardensNotre-Dame Basilica

Home again - but not for long!

2007-07-29T11:36:00.000-04:00

I know I promised pictures and I will post some eventually. The rest of our trip was fantastic. We had dinner at the hotel's revolving restaurant with friends from Quebec City who were also in Montreal for the week. Since they will not be able to make it to the birthday weekend we were glad to have some time with them. We also spent a day at the botanical gardens where I got lots of great pictures. Hubby was laughing at me because gardens make me happy and relaxed. I am not a big city girl, its nice to visit but I was much more relaxed at the gardens. Unfortunately for Hubby that meant I was in no hurry and we spent several hours there. We also went to the Insectarium and spent the afternoon at the Biodome. It was a hot day and unfortunately I got a bad sunburn.

On Wednesday night Canknitian and Hubby went to see The Police at the Bell Centre and I went to church. Yes, you did read that right. My hubby, the catholic, went to a concert and I, the heathen, went to the basilica. I laughed the whole time I was dressing for church. I said that someone is likely to have a heart attack if word gets out that I went to church all on my own. Hubby said it would probably be God. The Notre-Dame Basilica has a "sound and light show" and I really wanted to see the inside. The show was a little cheesy but it did a great job of showcasing each part of the church and helping you focus on details would otherwise be overwhelming. After the show we could walk around and take pictures, it was very dark and my camera is not the greatest. (A problem soon to be remedied as my birthday approaches.)

Thursday morning we were preparing to check out and head to Ikea (aka the happiest place on earth) when the power went out. Hubby had just left to take the first load of bags to the car when the power went. We were sure he would be stuck in the elevator when he didn't come back to the room. After a bit we called the desk and asked if there was anyone in the elevator. Hubby wouldn't go on the rides at La Ronde and was likely to not be having any fun if he was stuck in the elevator. They assured us that everyone was out, eventually Hubby called to say he was in the lobby. He had made it down the hotel elevator and had his finger on the button for the tiny, smelly elevator to the parking garage when the power went. The power outage did mean a delay in getting checked out but it ended up saving us $100 in parking fees at the garage. When Hubby was waiting in the lobby there were some hotel staff escorting people who had flights to catch to their cars. Hubby tagged along and because the power was out they were simply letting people leave. SWEET! Turns out half of downtown Montreal was without power for quite a while.

Ikea was all I dreamed it would be. I bought so much for the Monkey on this trip, why should I stop at Ikea. When Sis bought her house last year I painted a castle in Monkey's room. On our trip to Alberta I bought him a big dragon, a hobby horse and knights helmet and a dragon fleece blanket, all at Ikea. This trip I bought him the bedspread with knights and dragons and a really cool mirror that looks like a shuttered castle window. He loved it naturally and like the little obsessive compulsive he is he showed us exactly where he wants it hung. The bedspread couldn't be a better match for his room and it is not too babyish so it will grow with him.

Because of the late start we were very late getting home. I spent a good part of Friday at Sis' shop, telling her all about the giant rollercoasters I was on. She wouldn't have believed it if I didn't have the photos. I picked up Monkey from daycare and he was so excited to see us! I also had a visit with both of my grandmothers and helped Sis decorate a cake for a friend's bachelorette. I'll spare you the details.

Yesterday I cleaned a bit in the kitchen and got caught up on Big Love when it got too hot to do anything else. I had a call from Big Bro who informed me that he had quit his job and had just flown back to NB and was coming to town to visit his new girlfriend. He sure moves fast. He did get to see Mouse and his long lost son while he was out west. He would like to bring his son home to meet everyone at the end of the month.

Next weekend is the big birthday bash! I can hardly wait, we will have about 30 of our closest friends together for the weekend. Everyone is excited about the trip and there are a lot of people who will be going for the first time. But first I have to get ready for 4 LONG days of work before my next week off.

Dans le belle provance

2007-07-25T06:54:00.000-04:00

Bonjour à tous ! J'ai beaucoup d'amusement au Québec.
(Hello everyone! I am having a lot of fun in Quebec)

I wish I could say my French has improved since I got here but I am finding it hard to catch about 25% of what is being said. Most places have bilingual staff who are happy to speak to you in English, and my two travelling companions are both bilingual.

We are having a blast! On Saturday we went to two comedy shows for the Just for Laugh's Festival. We went to the Master's Show, hosted by Lewis Black and then to the Comedy Night in Canada show which was awesome! Hubby got to have his picture taken at the old Montreal Canadian's Forum (which has sadly now been turned into a theatre and mall.)

On Sunday I met up with Canknitian and her sister and we were off to La Ronde, a Six Flags Park. I was determined to be a good sport but was not sure how my nerves would hold up. I did quite well considering the only rides I declined to go on were ones that make you go upside down. I even went on the biggest ride there The Goliath, twice and started the day with the big, creaky, wooden roller coaster - Le Monstre. It was expensive but a lot of fun. We ate bad for us food and went on a bunch of rides before rushing back to the hotel to get ready for the grande finale. Hubby opted out of the park in favour of seeing more of the comedy festival. Here is his grand debut at the Saint Denis Theatre.

The 25th Anniversary All-Star Gala was great. I was a little disappointed that Lewis Black did the same material both nights but the show was hilarious. Tommy Tiernan did a bit about women and Princess Mental Syndrome, which can be hit or miss. A definite hit, he nailed, he basically reenacted the conversation Hubby and I have once a month that begins with "I have no clothes, these aren't clothes, they don't make clothes for me anymore, just for skinny bitches!"
Hubby and I were in tears laughing!

Monday we toured Old Montreal. It is beautiful with the cobblestone streets and ornate architecture. We bought a Museum Pass which gives us access to over 30 museums for 3 days and unlimited metro. A great deal for $45. We spent the rest of the day at the Montreal Science Centre where we played with lots of stuff and saw an IMAX Movie about the Alps.
We went for a stroll in the evening, had a late supper, and then hit the hay!

Yesterday we had a late start and met up with Canknitian's blogging friend for a day at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts. They have a fantastic Emily Carr exhibit. We spent longer at the Museum than we intended but it was worth it. I also purchased a FABULOUS ring in the gift shop. I am in love, and it doesn't even have diamonds. I will have to post a photo. Nadine was terrific, she is an artist who makes crocheted jewelry, and she gave us lots of great tips on what we should see and eat while we are here.

Well I have to get ready for another fun filled day so I will fill you in on the rest of the trip a little later! Only one more sleep until Ikea!

And we're off!

2007-07-21T04:38:00.000-04:00

It is 5:45 and we are just about ready to leave on our 8 hr drive to Montreal. While we would like to poke around a bit on our way there we can't take too long to get there as we have tickets to the Just for Laugh's show tonight. We are also going to attend the Final Gala tomorrow night.

Canknitian thinks she is going to get me on some Six Flags rollercoasters but I'm not sure it will happen. I think I would have fun if I got on but I overthink it and chicken out. I have not been on a big rollercoaster since I was 12 and we went on Thunder Mountain at Disney World. I sat in the very first cart between my grandparents. My grandmother and I screamed the whole time but thought in the end it was okay. My grandfather closed his eyes and said nothing, when we asked him if he would go again he just shook his head.

I'll be checking in along the way to tell you all about the fun I'm having.

P.S. Thanks for worrying NH Knitting Mama and thanks to Miss Me for the nomination as a Rockin' Girl Blogger! I love it!

That was quick!

2007-07-17T15:19:00.000-04:00

It is all happening so quickly. I expected a couple of months wait before I got an appointment with the fertility clinic in Halifax but they called today and said they wanted to book me for next week. Fortunately/unfortunately I will be in Montreal with Canknitian and Hubby next week. They also tried to book me on either side of the long weekend which is not going to work because it is the weekend for the big birthday beach bash. So after a bit of back and forth we were able to book the appointment for August 16th.

I know it probably didn’t sound to them like I was a woman desperate to have a baby but I really wasn’t prepared for it to be this quick. I need more time to talk myself into the whole thing. I’m not sure I can do it, the shots, the expense, the super crazy. None of it sounds like any fun! I was just saying last night how nice it was to not feel crazy, I feel more like myself than I have in 3 years! I also have also not been preoccupied obsessing over it all. Oh well, I guess that was short lived because my mind is racing today.

Last weekend we went back up to the in-law’s to help out in the set up for the long weekend. They didn’t let us do much but we did get the two screen houses up and a bench brought up from the basement. I say “we” but unfortunately “I” did not do any of it. Friday night I fell asleep on the loveseat and have been paying for it ever since. I am hoping my back will right itself before our trip to Montreal this weekend, it will be a long 8 hours otherwise.

Sis and Monkey had a great time with us at the beach. Surprisingly the water was warm enough to swim. We had a tiny little fire to roast some marshmallows and watched the neighbours burn everything else that had washed up on shore. Four men from the community were having a farewell party before they left for Afghanistan and in their honour they piled every piece of driftwood on the beach into a giant fire! It was probably the second biggest fire we’ve seen there. The first being the time they set blaze to an old fishing boat that had been hauled up from the bay.

I also hit the mother of all fabric sales on the weekend. The store was going out of business and everything was 75% off. While it was pretty picked over I still managed to get 12 patterns and material for 7 outfits. That does not include the 2 dresses my MIL has commissioned. Looks like I have my work cut out for me!

Busy Week

2007-07-12T22:26:00.000-04:00

It just never seems to slow down, I just finish my year end reports and I have to dive right into finding funding for this year. Ah, non-profit life. Why did I decide not to go into private practice? Money woes aside things are going well, the new staff have jumped right in and seem to be working out great.

Monkey and I have had two play dates this week, including tonight's trip to the library. Tomorrow we are heading back to the in-law's to prepare for the up coming Birthday Beach Bash Extravaganza! Lil' Sis and Monkey will be coming with us to do some beach combing.

It looks like we will have over 30 of our closest pals join us for the beach party. Because my FIL has a broken paw we will be going to set up the screen house, the outdoor shower etc. It promises to be a wild time. We have all of the regulars and a whole bunch of newbies at the Club Med of the North. In honour of my FIL, this year's slogan is "Break a Leg!"

I am more excited about the birthday weekend than I am about my trip to Monteal. Although I have to say I am thrilled that we got tickets to see Lewis Black!

The FSH Follies(?) - Preface

2007-07-07T11:06:00.000-04:00

Some good news – at last! All of your good vibes must have done something. Hubby and I had a long week and a long evening last night. We went to dinner with my cousins and Sis, they all have young children so naturally the conversation was about kids. We made it through the evening but we were exhausted when we got home. I was unwinding in front of the tv when Hubby calls from upstairs.
He: “You have to come up and see this!”
Me: “Sigh” (He says this at least once a night!)
He: No really, it is not like the other times I told you to come see this, I mean you really have to come see this.

He had stopped to check his email before bed and there was an email from his insurance company. Apparently the other day when he called and left a message, he also sent an email to the company before they returned his call. The person who called was not at all helpful and told him they did not cover any fertility treatment.

When he wrote the email, he had asked not only about IVF but also about the coverage for the drugs. The email we got back said that they will cover 80% of all my drugs including the injections of FSH! They won’t cover the needles, appointments or any procedures but the drugs alone are $1000-2000/month. $200-$400 a month is still a lot but it is doable.

Can I get a WHO-HOOO!

What is even better is that because I live in beautiful, wonderful Canada most everything else is covered by Medicare. My doctor here will be administering the program and arranging for my ultrasounds etc. so they will be covered by Medicare. This does not include invitro but hopefully it won’t come to that!

I’m still not 100% convinced I want to do the shots, that could mean a whole new level of crazy. Oh yeah, and I have a HUGE phobia of needles. The doc said he could show me how to do my own – can’t see it happening. He also said he could show Hubby how to do it but I think he’d be worse at it than me. I told him my Sis, the vet tech, has offered to jab me once a day and he laughed and said he could show her how to mix the drugs.
He also said he could have the nurse at his office do it for me and leave a standing order at the hospital for them to give me the shots.

At the very least I will go to Halifax to see the specialists there and see what they recommend. I feel better just knowing I have options, I may not exercise them but at least I have options.

So while we have reached the conclusion of the Clomid Chronicles we may soon begin the FSH Follies. I think the new title is both catchy and appropriately named.

fol·lies
1. A lack of good sense, understanding, or foresight.
2.
a. An act or instance of foolishness
b. A costly undertaking having an absurd or ruinous outcome.
3. follies (used with a sing. or pl. verb) An elaborate theatrical revue consisting of music, dance, and skits.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/follies

The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 4 - The end

2007-07-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

This is the end of the Clomid Chronicles, I've finished my last round and barring a miracle in the next few weeks I will not be having a child. I have a wicked case of 'poor me' with a whole lot of "what the hell did I do to deserve this" It is clouding everything and things I would normally take great joy in are just heartbreaking.

I forced myself to keep my weekly library night with the Monkey, its not fair to him to cancel. We are all but 3 books away from our goal of 100 books. I had thought about planning party for the occasion but I'm not feeling festive. I will do something for him but I just can't get excited about it myself. I can't help but feel like I am some pathetic barren aunt with no children of her own so she spoils someone else's kids. Next I'll be adopting 50 cats!

In other good news, on the day I have to give up my hope of a baby, my brother has kids coming out of the woodwork. He tells me that he has finally found his 13 year old son. He knew he had a son but he and the mother had split up when she was pregnant and she wanted to raise him on her own. My brother is only 2 years older than me and he "officially" has three children. He has also reunited with the Mouse's mom.

If you are trying to track the family tree you may get lost in the forest. My "new" nephew is the oldest of my nephew and nieces, he is the same age as my youngest brother and only a few months older than his little sister (don't ask) and 11 years older than his youngest sister (Mouse). In an odd coincidence he is exactly the same age my brother was when he found our father.

Like I said, at another time I would be overjoyed, I am happy for both of them. I have often wondered about him and if I would ever have the chance to meet him. I know it has nothing to do with me but it just feels like another painful reminder that I am the only one in my family who cannot have children. With a number of cousins with due dates in the next few months this will only get harder.

I'm tired of listening to myself mope, kudos to those of you who have read along through the chronicles. I really appreciate the supportive notes, they do help.

The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 3 - Bad News

2007-07-04T21:56:00.000-04:00

What a bad, bad, crumby, miserable day. I was right about the Doctor's news - it was all bad. It appears the next few days will mark the end of the Clomid Chronicles. Apparently, I am 1% of his patients that have not had success on these drugs. He told me I was just a tough cookie and the drugs have had little or no impact on my bloodwork. Wile it will be nice to be myself again, eventually, it means the end of the road for my fertility treatments.

Our insurance will not cover any injectable hormones or any IVF treatments. We could afford to do a couple of months but it would mean some serious life changes, set back out house buying plans and cost us thousands of dollars a month on a chance. I'm not sure it is even worth going for the consultation.

Hubby is taking it hard and both of us have been miserable today. I cried at work, in the car, at the doctor's, at home, at pilates, and even at the ice cream parlor. Its is a sad state of affairs when ice cream can't cheer me up. I tried to avoid the two new staff members as best I could with out coming across as rude.

I'm off to bed to finally end the day.

The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 2 - Bracing myself.

2007-07-04T07:04:00.000-04:00

This round I have kept myself quite busy and this has helped a lot. Having no time to wallow does it. I have been run ragged at work, I was even in over the long weekend trying to put the finishing touches on my year end report. With a full 62 pages compiled, I all but put the stamp on it last night. Hurray! Now I get to spend three weeks writing a proposal to do it all again next year.

I must tell you that on Saturday I had a small um, let's call it an incident (sounds better than 'fit'). I got up, hit the shower and put my watch and rings back on. A couple of hours later I noticed I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. I figured I must not have put them back on, although I was sure I had because I was wearing my watch. I checked the shelf where I distinctly remembered putting them before my shower. Gone. OMG I've lost my wedding rings! Could they have fallen into the toilet? No, I was the only one home I would have noticed. I ran around the house in a panic trying to find my rings, checked the nightstand, the kitchen they were no where to be found. I was on the verge of having a complete meltdown, I figured these damn crazy pills had me so messed up I couldn't remember where I put them, as I sat wringing my hands I noticed that I had put them on the wrong hand. Doh! On a sane day I would have sat down to think about it and noticed it was on the wrong hand, on a Clomid day I go right from zero to crazy.

I am bracing myself for my Dr.'s appointment this morning. What is he thinking putting me in a waiting room with a bunch of pregnant people on Day 7. (the first day 7 I have ever had) We are going to talk about the result from my HSG and my bloodwork. I know he's just going to tell me that the drugs aren't working and that the HSG came back clear. As crazy as the pills make me, I am afraid he is going to take me off and tell me there is nothing more he can do. I had so much hope that I was pregnant just two weeks ago and I don't think I'm ready to give up the possibility of having a pregnancy. There have been times when I was ready to quit, and swore I would never take the pills again but that would have been my choice and not someone telling me that it isn't an option is so much different. It is like deciding that you need to loose some weight compared to having a someone tell you to loose a few pounds. It is a big difference.

I guess I don't want to admit to myself that I am just that broken. It feels like a personal failure although I am completely aware that I have no control over it.

Send me all your good vibes, I could use them today.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

2007-07-01T10:05:00.000-04:00

I was surprised at how few people had Canada on their list of places they would like to visit. Canada has so many great destinations and the fact that it is so large means we have a little bit of everything. I thought in honour of Canada Day I would try to convince some of my fellow travelers to add Canada, and in particular New Brunswick. So here are some of the things I love about New Brunswick.

 Our capital city, Fredericton – The City of Stately Elms, Noble Daughter of the Forest, is possibly the most beautiful city in Canada and probably one of the smallest. It is not even the biggest city in New Brunswick. Unfortunately we lost many of our stately elms to disease a number of years ago but the replacements are well on their way and there are still many beautiful old elms, many taller than the buildings around them.

 The beautiful Saint John River and the world renowned Miramichi River (rumour has it that more than one American celebrity own or visit fishing camps along the Miramichi.) I love that we are in a valley and crossing the Saint John River river every morning on my way to work. I also love the fact that my morning commute from the north side of Fredericton to downtown on the south side takes me all of 10 minutes in rush hour. Only 5 minutes when there is no traffic.

 Fredericton also has two terrific universities – UNB and St. Thomas University. UNB Law has consistently ranked as one of the best law schools in Canada. My American friends may be interested to know that both John F. Kennedy and Robert Kennedy received honourary degrees from the University of New Brunswick in 1957 and 1967. The two universities share the most beautiful campus overlooking the river with buildings in red brick. Although there were many days I cursed ‘the hill’ and wondered why they had to put the law school at the top.

 You can be in PEI, or Halifax in hours, you can go just about anywhere in Nova Scotia or Prince Edward Island in a day. Cape Breton is perhaps the most beautiful place in the world we went over for a wedding on one weekend and loved it so much we drove back and toured the Cabot Trail the next weekend. Every corner was breathtaking! Although Canknitian and I would have to warn that Meat Cove is only a ‘virtually bug free campground’ because it is on the end of the world and it was so windy and cold the bugs had the good sense to leave. Mind you that was only at night and I will never forget the sun rising out of the Atlantic Ocean. I have been in early September but I’d love to see it in the fall.

 While we don’t really have a metropolitan club scene there are hundreds of terrific pubs. A couple of favourites are The Snooty Fox, The Lunar Rogue, and Dolan’s Pub.

 Pubs brings me to music. You have to smile and tap your feet when you listen to Maritime music. Some of the better known would be Great Big Sea, the Rankin Family, Stompin’ Tom Connors, Sarah McLaughlin started as a Maritime artist from Halifax but I’m not sure when that changed. It seems like every week we have a different festival, there is the Harvest Jazz and Blues Festival, The Country Music Festival, The Highland Games and Scottish Festival, the NB Summer Music Festival, and that is just in Fredericton! The Highland Games is by far my favourite, say what you will about bagpipes but there are few things that feel more like home than good old Maritime Celtic music. (And I don’t care what you say there is something undeniably attractive about a manly men in a manly skirt!)

Here is a link to all the other great stuff going on in Fredericton this summer.

 I love that we are Canada’s only officially bilingual province. While I don’t speak any French, my in-laws are Francophone and so on many occasions you can hear my MIL and I having a conversation in two languages. Don’t let a lack of French stop you from visiting the Acadian Peninsula, the people there are very accommodating and an English speaking person can easily get by.

 I love being near the ocean. You can reach salt water in any directions but West. The Chaleur Bay to the north has many private beaches and by late July early August it is really great for swimming. On a calm day the water is so clear you can float along the top and watch the fish and crabs along the bottom and on other days you can spend hours riding the waves (thing wave pool not surfing). Along the East coast we have some great beaches at Kouchibouguac National Park or Parlee Beach Provincial Park which has the warmest salt water north of Virginia. To the South we have Fundy National Park on the Bay of Fundy which is has the world's highest tides. There are great little seaside towns and attractions all along the south shore, St. Andrews by the Sea is a favourite destination.

Did I mention the great place names like Kouchibouguac (KOOSH-e-boo-gwack)?

 If you are into seafood, you can either enjoy some of the fine cuisine at the Algonquin or you can cook up yourself. Personally I’m not a fan but I know people who have visited New Brunswick and left with cases of live lobster to fly it home with them.

 If you are the outdoorsy type there is a lot to explore by canoe, kayak, bike, walking trails. You can stay in the city and travel out on day trips or you can camp in the wilderness.

 We have fantastic farmer’s markets, lots of historical and cultural attractions, you can watch pottery being made or check out the Salvador Dali and Group of Seven paintings at the Beaverbrook Art Gallery. If you can’t get here to see them in person you can check out the collection on their website – very cool.

 Oh did I forget to mention to my fellow yarnaholics that we also have Briggs and Little Woolen Mill which is celebrating its 150th year and London-Wul Fiber Arts.

Have I convinced you to add New Brunswick to your list of travel destinations? Perhaps my fellow NBers could add their comments. Bring your knitting and we’ll share a drink on the deck!

The Clomid Chronicles - Vol. 2, Part 1 - There not fair and then there is just playing dirty!

2007-06-29T17:05:00.000-04:00

I am sorry to announce the second volume of the Clomid Chronicles. I am feeling a little bit resentful about this round (yes, more than usual). This is mostly because I was sure it had worked and that I would be announcing happy news. Which brings me to the title of this installment. Life is not fair, we all know this, but there is not fair and then there is just playing dirty! I know I only set myself up for disappointment by getting my hopes up but this month I was 5 DAYS late. That is a long time, I took the pregnancy tests stashed in my cupboard. (Those who have not dealt with infertility may not know this but you can buy pregnancy test strips in bulk!) Each time the test was negative - not even a hint but I told myself it may just be too soon to test. Sadly that is not the case.

I asked Hubby to go to the drugstore to pick up the Crazy Pills and he came back in a huff. They said they didn't have it, so your doctor probably didn't call it in. He asked the woman at the pharmacy if there was anything she could do since I was suppose to start the pills that night and he said the woman was really rude to him so he had stormed out. (It is not like they are prescription pain meds!)

So I called the pharmacy and got the woman on the phone, I told her my name and said that my husband had just left there and said there was some mix-up with my prescription. She snarked at me and told me she had checked everywhere and it was NOT there. So I explained that last month there was some confusion because they had filled the order as soon as the Doc called it in and it had been sitting at the cash, when I called to fill it they told me there were no refills. I asked if it was possible that this had happened again.

She assured me that she had looked already and that they filled my last prescription on June 11. Ah-ha! To told her that was the day the doc had called it in, it must be there. I explained that it would have been a full month ago that I picked up the last prescription. (A full month and 5 DAYS to be precise!) I then had the audacity to ask her to "please look again. " She assured me again that she had already looked but that she would (reluctantly) look again. "Sigh" Wait, wait, wait. "I am SO sorry, they were at the back of the drawer by the cash. Can someone be here in the next 8 minutes to pick it up before close?"

So it was off to a rocky start. When I got the prescription - on Day 2 - I looked at the label and noticed that he has bumped up the dose again. It is still 3 pills a day but for 7 days instead of 5. Yikes!

I have done my due diligence and warned my co-workers. This is after all crunch time for final reports and financial statements and STRESS + CRAZY =TROUBLE! Stay tuned!

Now here are the promised pictures from our weekend at the beach with Monkey and my FABULOUS Spring Felted Bag!

Monkey and Teecee flying a kite

Monkey helps build the fire.

We put the crab in the bucket (and touched it!)

Hubby and Monkey in the water.

In my happy place!
And now the bag!

Purple also makes me happy! Look at this bag! I love the beautifully knit roses and Laurie did a great job on the lining. I really like the handles too, it gives it a very professional look. I just can't find handles like that here. All I can really find is the bamboo circles.
Thanks again Laurie, you rock!

My Computer Hates Me.

2007-06-28T06:48:00.000-04:00

I had a great weekend update drafted-complete with oh-so-cute photos from the beach. However, it will have to wait. My internet went out in the middle of my post so Blogger didn't save my files, my computer has decided not to recognized the memory card so I can't reload the pictures I had picked out and I've tried 4 different USB cords and can't find the one for the ____ing camera.

I assure you we had a great weekend and I will post great pictures when my PC gets over itself and lets me get on with my blogging.

Unfortunately this also prevents me from sharing with you the photos of my most fabulous Spring Felted Bag! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Laurie! I just love it and everyone (except my sister who hates purple) is very jealous! Even Lil' Sis agreed that it absolutely suited me. Sorry fellow felters, I assure you I will share pics soon.

What I Said Never Changed Anybody; What They Understood Did.

2007-06-25T12:19:00.001-04:00

Thanks folks for the comments on my last rant. Family can be difficult sometimes and while I do let my father get to me from time to time, I have become much better at dealing with our interpersonal conflicts. There are two things that have helped me tremendously.

The first was sound advice from my mother. When I was ranting about something my father had said or done she said:

"If you don't expect him to change; you won't be disappointed."

People are who they are - faults and all. If someone always lets you down you need to change your expectations from them. If you expect them to do what they have always done you may be pleasantly surprised when they do something different but you will be prepared and less disappointed when they don't. It sounds kind of cynical but really it is more about accepting people they way they are. This has become my personal mantra and has served me well with family, friends and co-workers.

I have said before that I am not a religious person but the second thing that has helped shape the way I deal with difficult people or situations is a poem that has a habit of turning up at the most appropriate times. I first found it in a pile of papers in my office that were left behind by my predecessor. I was sorting through a pile of random papers when this piece of paper caught my attention.

What I Said Never Changed Anybody; What They Understood Did - Paul P.

How often have we given our all to change somebody else?

How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light?

How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern

- perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience-

bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?

All of us have.

We would do anything to save the people we love.

In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words,

In just the right way, our loved ones will understand.

If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.

If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed.

But neither is true.

Even our best efforts do not have the power to change somebody else.

Nor do we have that responsibility.

People are only persuaded by what they understand.

And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time

To grow toward deeper understanding.

Not Before.

Today, I will focus on changing myself and entrust those I love to the Higher Power,

who loves them even more than I do.

I know, it doesn't sound like me at all! The first time I found this piece of paper my father was on a path that was not only self-destructive but causing a lot of grief for those around him. This little piece of paper changed my whole perspective. I have hung on to it, copied it for friends dealing with a difficult situation, and every now and then it surfaces. Last night I was ironing when I knocked the iron off the board spilling water everywhere. When I went to clean it up I found a copy of the 'poem' tucked behind a box. I have no idea how it got there.

I have now shared all of my personal wisdom and the full extent of my spirituality. Are you feeling more enlightened? Maybe I'll add spiritual guru to my list of skills. Hopefully some of it will be helpful to someone else; who knows maybe it this has found you at just the right time!

Off on an adventure!

2007-06-22T12:32:00.000-04:00

Hubby and I had a wonderful anniversary. We went to a new resturant and he got me a fabulous set of bamboo knitting needles! The set has 12 pairs so I will have all the sizes I need for my crafty goodness. Thanks to everyone for all the congratulatory messages.

Last night I took my Papa his Papa's Day present - a bonzai tree. He loved it. Everything else he has tried to grow outside has been eaten by the deer including the giant buds on his peony just before they were about to open. Poor Papa!

Today we are taking the Monkey on an adventure! We are taking him with us for the weekend while we visit my in-laws. He is looking forward to digging for treasure on the beach. Unfortunately the water won't be warm enough for swimming but it looks like it will be a cloudy weekend anyway. A big thunder storm has just rolled in that will hopefully help to clear things up.

On the family front Big Bro has got himself a lawyer and will hopefully follow their advice. Lil Sis is planning her "Christmas in June" party in honour of her friend's visit home, Lil' Bro is going to fail Grade 7 - Yikes! He should have seen it coming since he hardly went to school at all this year. He kept saying that his Mom would make sure they didn't fail him. I have no doubt she tried everything in her power to make them change their minds but it looks like he'll be stuck in Middle School an extra year. Maybe it will motivate him to go to class next year.

My Father's Day call to my Dad was the usual annual disaster.
Here is the synopsis:

CC: Happy Father's Day! I haven't heard from you in a while, what's going on?

Dad: Hey guess what, They are after me for child support for your Lil' Bro but I've got it figured out and I can avoid paying for at least another year by ignoring it, playing games and dragging things out.

CC: Here are all the reasons that is a bad idea....

Dad: That's not the way it works. Besides why should I? She has lots of money.

CC: Listen to me, I am your daughter the lawyer, I write books on this for a living.

Dad: I know what I'm talking about I've been to court for child support before, you know. Besides its the principle.

CC: Yeah, well things have changed in the last 20 years and people can waste a whole lot of time and a whole lot of money on a principle.

Dad: Whatever.

CC: Well, I've got to run! Nice talking to you.

Not sure why I even bother. Lil' Sis can just listen to him rant without the need to correct him but I just can't he baits me and I can't resist. I need to work on that in the next year - is there such a thing as a Father's Day Resolution?

I just had to share the letter I received from my cousin's ten year old daughter. Last year I had given her a set of stationary, pencils, stickers and pre-addressed envelopes so we could write back and forth. She wrote a couple of times but then lost interest. I just receieved another letter from her that reads:

who is the wether up ther. it raind sunday and monday up here
say Hi to my grammey and grammps for me plesa.
I have a picter for you. oh I have a Joke
Where can you alwhas find happe nis
the anser is under the flap

(a little purple scrap of paper is taped below)
the dichsonary

Love Kendar (Kendra)
xoxoxxo
xoxoxoxoxoxxo"

I think it too cute. It is definately a keeper. I'll have to write back today so she can get her response right away.

Come Rain or Come Shine

2007-06-20T14:32:00.000-04:00

Today Hubby and I are celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary so I’d like to begin today’s post with a little musical dedication.

Come Rain or Come Shine

I'm gonna love you like nobody's loved you come rain or come shine

High as a mountain deep as a river come rain or come shine

I guess when you met me it was just one of those things

But don't ever bet me cause I'm gonna be true if you let me

You're gonna love me like nobody's loved me come rain or come shine

Happy together, unhappy together and won't it be fine?

Days may be cloudy or sunny

We're in or we're out of the money.

But I'll love you always; I'm with you rain or shine

Rain or shine.

Harold Arlen / Johnny Mercer
As performed by Billie Holiday

Here is my version of how we met and fell in love.

I was just 18 when I met my sweetheart. I was in my first year of university and on campus over March Break to work on an assignment. I was the first (and most unlikely) of my friends to meet someone ‘online’.

Now it is important to note that this was before the internet was the internet. Most of you have probably never even heard of IRC. It was like messenger but without any graphics or interface just text. A guy I had dated earlier in the year had showed me how to use it. I had forgotten all about it by March Break.

On the night I met my future Hubby, I was in the computer lab on campus to work on an assignment of some sort. I ran into a guy who I knew through an ex-boyfriend who was in the lab typing away on IRC. I decided I had all March Break to work on my project so I got the guy to show me how to use IRC again before he left.

He showed me how to log on and put me on a channel (chat room) called ‘Canada’. The first thing that scrolled up on the screen was someone named ‘Acadian’ telling someone else that he was living in my city. What a coincidence! I wrote that I lived there too. We quickly discovered that we both went to the same university and that we were both currently on campus.

At this point I started to look around, there was only one other person in the computer lab -a tall handsome blonde boy. What are the chances! I smiled at the blonde guy and he smiled back. I asked which lab he was using and he said he was in the library. Oh well! We talked online for a while before he had to leave to catch a movie with friends and I had to get something done on my project. About an hour later the guy who signed me on earlier was back and convinced me to go back online. What do you know, there was Acadian again. Only this time he was in the same building as I was just on a different floor. Had I been alone I would have left it at that but since I had company I told him which lab I was in and suggested he come up and to join us. Turns out he had ditched his friends to try to find me.

I instantly thought he was not my type. He was really skinny and a little geeky but he was funny and obviously very smart and I thought he was a nice guy. At the end of the night when he offered me a drive home I thought he looks harmless enough and worse case scenario I’m pretty sure I can take him.

The next night I had a date with a beefy gym teacher and it turned out to be a total disaster. The highlights included a Steven Segal movie which he spent shouting at the screen and trying out his “moves” and when I bolted from the theatre at the end and hopped in a cab he tried desperately to convince me to go to his place to “see his dog.” I politely insisted on going home and watched the driver smirk as we drove off. I spent the drive home trying to keep his hands off me and when we arrived at my house I jumped out. He still had not picked up on my not so subtle clues so when he called out “Call me!” I told him not to hold his breath and slammed the door. The driver let out this loud laugh despite himself which probably cost him his tip!

I went in and relayed all the disaster details to my parents and their friends before going to play on the computer. Luckily ‘Acadian’ was back online and invited me to join him and some friends for pizza. Our first date he took me bowling and we had a lot of laughs but I insisted that he was a great guy just not my type. For example the geeky acrylic-geometric patterned sweaters were just not cool. But I had a good time and he was harmless enough.

Before long I was able to see past the acrylic sweaters and collared shirts and realized that he was kind, funny and very, very good to me. So I ditched the sweaers and kept the man. Before I knew what happened I was in love with him! (Sneaky fellow came out of nowhere!)

Four years later we were married. We’ve been through a lot in 9 years - we survived my law degree, his open heart surgery, his lengthy obsession with karaoke and three years of fertility treatments complete with Bambi-Hitler Syndrome. We have been through laugher and tears, sickness and health, richer and poorer (mostly poorer).

I can’t wait to see what the next nine years will bring!

What a week!

2007-06-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

As expected, this was a crazy busy week. I am trying to wrap up two publications, we started our audit, and my year end report is due at the end of the month. Just writing about all of the work I did this year makes me tired. On top of all the writing, editing and project management, it turns out I gave my youth justice presentations 30 times to over 1300 people. Whew! I need a vacation.

Unfortunately three things that make this upcoming week look just as busy are the continuation of the financial audit, a dentist appointment, proofs from printers to review, and to make matter worse the boss is gone for the three days before the AGM which means lots of work for EB and me!

Hubby and I had a pretty uneventful weekend considering the chaos around us. Hubby was really hoping I'd surprise him with some good news on Father's Day but sadly that wasn't possible. I did however surprise him with a book he's wanted and a letter saying what a great dad I think he will be some day. As much as these types of holidays get to us our weekend was a breeze compared to the rest of our family.

On Saturday night I got home late and came throught the door at 12:30 to the phone ringing. My brother called to say he had just come home from a business trip to find his girlfriend had taken off with the Mouse! He was frantic and waiting for the police to show up. He was filing a missing person's report and trying to reach her at her mother's place. My sister has since had an email from her saying that she and the baby are fine but not saying where she is. My poor big brother is a wreck and won't leave the house for fear he'll miss her call.

Sunday Hubby called his Dad for Father's Day to find out they had just gotten back from the hospital where his father had surgery on his foot. He had told Hubby on Saturday how he had set up a "hammock district" in anticipation of our long weekend trip with three hammocks for us to use. Apparently that night he was enjoying the fruits of his labour when the hammock he was in came undone and he badly broke his foot in the fall. The rushed him to the hospital 45 minutes away where they did x-rays and then sent him off to a larger hospital 2 hours away for surgery. He know has pins and plates in his foot and will likely have pain the rest of his life. At the least, he is laid up for a few weeks in a cast and will be going snakey.

At this point I'm calling my Papa (step-dad) to find out if he made it back from his sailing trip with his dad and brother before the thunder storm rolled in. Thankfully he had made it back just in time. I was unable to reach my Dad in BC yesterday but I know he's alive because I got an email notice saying he got my e-card.

You know how they say bad things happen in threes? This morning Lil' Sis tells me that the Monkey's grandfather on his Dad's side had lost two fingers in a band saw accident! Good greif!

Myself, I just tried to take it easy this weekend. I read Snow Falling on Cedars which was a terrific book. All of my plans to go biking fell through, Hubby's bike needs a tune-up before he can go and Canknitian and I were rained out on Sunday. I did spend Sunday afternoon with Sis, Hubby and the Monkey enjoying the sun. Actually I was enjoying the shade, Sis was enjoying the sun but she is paying the price for it today.

On the crafty front there hasn't been much going on. I kind of overdid it a bit last weekend and have put the needles down for just a bit. I am anxiously awaiting my swapee for the Virtual Vacation and I have also signed up as a memeber of Team Canada in Dish Rag Tag.

Now it is back to work!

Oh, I should thank Sharon for her comments on my last post. It made me laugh to think I gave someone the impression I was a hard core biker. I am definately not, although I do have a great Schwinn 5-star Cruiser which my hubby refers to as my "Pee-wee Herman bike". (He's just jealous!) I'll have to post a picture of my sweet ride!

First bike ride of the year.

2007-06-12T13:24:00.001-04:00

Friday I got to meet with my swapee, for the Spring Felted Bag Exchange. We had a lovely lunch and I think the bag I made suited her! Thanks again for a great lunch date Miss Me. Here is a poor photo of the bag, the colours are actually much brighter.

Friday evening was a girl’s night and Saturday evening was a deck party at my house. Hubby brought home some monstrosity of a bar from a yard sale and we had to host a party to “celebrate”. The role of Isaac was played by Hubby (making me Captain Stubing I think). We had a great turn out for such short notice and a good time was had by all!

On Sunday I went for a bike ride with RB and Canknitian, our afternoon trip was about 29kms out and back. I knew on Sunday that Monday would be rough. I have no idea how I managed to sit at my desk all day. I don’t remember as a kid having to ease into biking each summer. It doesn’t make any sense – I have MUCH more all-natural padding built in these days than I did as a kid and I’ve got a nice bike with a wide-ass seat and yet I felt like I may never sit again after just one afternoon out on the trail! It is one of the great mysteries of the universe why they haven’t been able to design a comfortable bike seat in the last 150 years!

I spent Monday mostly whining about my behind and had to soothe myself with a little retail therapy. A fabulous little black dress, a new brown suit and two pairs of sunglasses I was feeling no pain!

Today, dare I say it, I may actually be able to get back on the bike for a little more torture. There will not be any 27kms but a little tour around town may be in order. I’ll have to see how my fellow travelers are making out and if the rain will hold off.

Knitter's Virtual Vacation Swap

2007-06-07T08:17:00.000-04:00

Okay so I'm hooked! I've signed up for another swap. The Knitter's Virtual Vacation Swap.
I have already started collecting goodies from NB for the lucky swapee. I just love the idea of showing off some of my New Brunswick pride!

If you could visit any state in the US which would it be and why?
Tough question, I’d like to go someplace warm but without the touristy hype of Florida or California. (Okay maybe Hawaii) I prefer small towns and isolated beaches to big cities. Oh and of course, someplace with great yarn shops! Any recommendations?

If you could visit any country in the world, other than your own, which would it be and why?
No fair, there is still so much of Canada I have yet to see! But if you insist, I’d say Greece because I did my undergrad in Classics and would like to actually see the places, art and architecture I studied first hand. I missed out on a trip last year with friends because the booked 7 months in advance and I was really hoping to be pregnant by then. I really regret missing out on the opportunity.

Have you ever driven across several states/provinces/countries?
Yes! Most driving in one day took us from New Brunswick to Toronto and back as far as Montreal. Okay so it was more of a day and a half when we arrived in Montreal at 2am. I also took a bus trip to Boston in high school. I would love to drive all the way across Canada someday.

Have you ever visited someplace you consider exotic? Where was it?
Nope, the furthest south I’ve been is Florida. I am planning a trip someplace tropical next April.

What was your favourite “travel” vacation?
I had a really good time in the Rockies last year with Hubby.

Have you ever played tourist in you own home city/state?
Every year we hit our favourite vacation destination with up to 30 of our closest friends. Our own beach on the sunny shores of Anse-Bleue, New Brunswick! My in-laws graciously host a long weekend birthday celebration and turn their backyard into a tent city. There are 408 people who live in Anse-Bleue a tiny French community on the Baie de Chaleur. Our annual pilgrimage increases the population by at least 5% for August.

Are you a museum visitor, beach comber or an amusement seeker?
I am more of a Beachcomber (couldn’t resist the link) but I do love a museum. When Hubby was in the hospital in Toronto I spent a lot of time at the Royal Ontario Museum.

What is your favourite type of yarn?
While I have to give a shout-out to the local Briggs and Little, I love the bright colours of the Paton’s Classics.

What is your least favourite type of yarn?
That eyelash crap.

What items do you like to knit/crochet?
I’m on a felted bag kick. (like everyone else) but I am learning to knit socks and mitts.

What do you pack, knit/crochet wise when you go on vacation?
I pack my big orange knitter’s tote with a couple of different projects because I never know what I’ll be in the mood for.

What other crafts do you do/would like to do other than knit or crochet?
I like to try just about everything (thus the 101 unmarketable skills) I have yet to try rug hooking but a friend as taken it up and I’m not sure how long I can resist before trying it.

Are you allergic to anything? (yarn wise or treat wise)
Nope!

What is your favorite color? Least favorite?
My favourite colours are lilacs and sages. My least favourite is peach.

Sweet or Savory (Treat not personality)?
Sweet, Sweet, Sweet!

Anything we are forgetting to ask that you think your partner desperately needs to know?
No, if there is anything you need to know just ask!

A great day!

2007-06-06T20:24:00.000-04:00

That's right two posts today. How could I wait I had such a good day. Today started off as a good day from the minute I stepped outside the door! I nearly walked right into the delivery guy who was bringing me my package of goodies from the Spring Felted Bag Exchange! What could I do, I didn't have time to take it back inside and I was certainly not going to wait for tonight to see what was inside so I took it to work!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU Laurie C!

The first thing I noticed was that it was from Georgia and I thought "Hey I know a super cool blogger from Georgia who leaves me wonderful notes!" My suspicions were confirmed by those sneaky Canada Customs people who insist on having the name on the declaration slip.

Look at all the goodies that were in the giant box she sent.

In this very poor phot you can barely make out the Lamb's Pride in Green and the Galaway in Brown that was included. There were two books ( I love the patterns, I will be an expert knitter in no time!), some wool needles with a handy dandy case, tissues with bags on it, a stitch counter, three pink grapefruit scented products and a lovely card.

The small gold pouch on top of the book is my brand new, very first ever beaded stitch holders. My days of stitch holder envy are over thanks to my very generous Swap Pal.

Here you can see the fabulous colours of the yarn.

Thank you again Laurie!

I told my Director that I would love to get some work done for her today but I was going to have to go home and knit something. She didn't agree. Today was crazy busy workday, I barely got up from my desk all day and as many things as I got done there were twice as many things on my list at the end of the day.

One of my rare excursions from the office was put together some materials for an order. On my way to the storage room I noticed there was some odd green foam board outside the IT office next door. It did not look like anything you would normally associate with computers and I wondered what it was. When I passed it again on my way back to the office I thought it looked a like something used for sound-proofing (how I know what soundproofing looks like I'm not sure, may be a remnant from my college radio days). Again I thought it was a strange thing to be outside an IT office. I had a fleeting thought that they may be tired of listening to my boss yell into her speaker phone or argue with her research partner.

Don't get me wrong, I really like my boss, most days. But she is easily frazzled, stamps her feet and swears when something goes wrong and has the most annoying habit of ONLY using speaker phone. There has been an ongoing feud between her and the guy next door. He bangs things agains the wall and sneezes so loud I've had people say they could hear it on my phone. Last year "they" (not sure who "they" were) made her switch her office around so that she was not facing their shared wall when she was yelling into the phone.

Today was particularly loud as she and her research partner were argueing and both yelling into the speaker phone to the research assistant. It made for a long afternoon but when I stopped in to say goodbye to my boss I noticed that they had actully covered the other side of the wall in sound-proofing- including the windows at the top! I have to say I laughed all the way home. I can only imagine how much complaining he had to do to get them to actually soundproof the office! Too bad they didn't leave enough in the hall to soundproof the other wall which divides her office from mine.

Tonight I had Pilates, it was a small class with quite a few people missing. Not sure where all my pals were tonight but we had a good time, lots of laughs and enough crunches to ensure that I will not be able to move tomorrow with out calling the instructor names. After class, those of us who were good enough to go to class decided to undo all of the work we had done with a trip to DQ. Mmmm ice cream, my favourite!

Some of my fellow fertility bloggers have had a rough week this week and my heart goes out to them. It is so hard not to get your hopes up. When the Doc told me there was increased pregnancy rate following the HSG I told myself that I was not going to get my hopes up but I can't help it. I realized today that my hopes are definately up since I have been taking prenatal vitamins faithfully which I never do (stupid horsepills), I have been extra careful about not missing any of my daily pills and taking them at the same time every night. I also made sure that Hubby and I had lots of ... er... um... 'quality time' on the peak days. While I know deep down that it probably will not happen I just can't help thinking that maybe, just maybe this will be the month.

I had a great comment from Cass today who said she enjoyed reading my rantings. It's good to know I amuse someone other than myself. (I peeked over at your blog, and can't wait to have the chance to look at it closer.)

Finally, I have set a lunch date for Friday to meet the one and only Miss Me in person. I have finished her felted bag and can hardly wait to meet her and see how she likes it! She posted some pics from the first package on her site. (I forgot to take any pics myself so I'm glad she posted a few.)

Back by popular demand!

2007-06-06T07:00:00.000-04:00

Hey there folks! Did you wonder if I was really and truly kidnapped? Well I was but it was only for the day. Initially they planned to take me repelling a couple of hours away from here. (This explains the instructions for the clean undies and pink leotard.)

Unfortunately we were not able to go on Saturday so I spent the day on my swing, with a book and some yarn. Friday night I hung out with my buddy Bean at the airport while we waited for his lovely wife and their two infants to arrive home from Texas. Saturday night we hosted a BBQ and Stanley Cup Finals party.

My friend the lucky lottery winner came by to watch the game. While he was bragging up the new house his girlfriend was having a conversation about how she “just can’t seem to put on weight!” They were both promptly pelted with baby carrots for being both skinny AND rich”. (Actually, I’m very happy for both of them and can’t wait to see the inside when they move in next month.)

On Sunday I was given a 15 minute warning that the kidnappers were on their way. We hopped in the car and headed out of town. Silly me, I thought we would just hit the regular stores but sis and Canknitian had another plan. We ended up at a yarn shop! While Canknitian and I fondled the yummy yarns, Sis made a fuss over the pup and struck up a conversation about spinning dog hair. (She is a groomer.) She said after we left that listening to us in the yarn shop was like listening to another language. She is not at all crafty and had no idea what anyone was saying! She said she only understood about every third word. “ Blah, blah socks, blah blah wool, blah blah green”

She was a good sport and we were soon off to lunch (very yummy treat from Canknitian) and then to Costco! The retail therapy, or just being busy seems to be working. Unfortunately it was not enough to curb my spending at the fabric shop where I bought material to make two dresses on Monday night.

Part of the reason I’ve been missing from this blog is that I’ve been busy updating the Monkey and Teecee website with all the great books we’ve been reading. We are nearly half-way through our 100 books with 43 down! We will break 50 this Thursday on library night! I think I’ll buy a big balloon or something in advance to have once we read the 50th book. He LOVES his website and brags (almost as much as I do about our book challenge.)

A mixed bag of bloggy goodness.

2007-06-01T17:37:00.000-04:00

First a SFBE Update
My Spring Bag Exchange Swapee is none other than Miss Me. Who writes me lovely and supportive notes on my rantings although we have only ever spoke online. I knew my cover would be blown when she received the first package This is because:

A) I screwed up the anonymous email and used my initial and last name when registering the "super secret" hotmail account.
B) As the only other participant from NB I knew she'd have it figured out as soon as she saw the postal code.

I found out from a mutual friend (that sly Canknitian) that she works literally right around the corner from my office so I decided to surprise her a different way. I had a handsome delivery guy (Hubby) deliver a package of goodies to her office today. We will make plans to meet sometime soon for lunch so she can receive her felted bag and we can meet face-to-face for the first time.

Secondly, a Monkey update:
Monkey and I are up to 43 books on our 100 book challenge. Yesterday at the library we read 20! This will keep me busy updating our website. After spending all evening at the library we went home to find the little brown bunny that has taken up residence under the deck having a snack in the back yard. Monkey sneaks outside and gets surprisingly close before the bunny takes off with Monkey bouncing behind him. He then gets the idea that he is going to make some sticky glue to catch that bunny. Our friend J asks him what he is going to do once he catches the bunny. Monkey doesn't hesitate "I'm gonna eated him!" he says with glee. Now this was not the answer J. (or anyone) expected but what makes it hilarious is that J. is a vegetarian and it would be the absolutely worst thing he could have suggested.

Thirdly, a sad note:
We have recently lost another soldier from our local base in Afghanistan. This is the 9th man killed since the troops left in February. He was a military photographer and someone my sister knew from his volunteer work with the animal shelter. I'm afraid it is only the beginning and only a matter of time before it is someone I know. It is incredibly sad.

On a related note - they recently the local tv station last weekend re-aired the funeral for the first 8 soldiers killed. The memorial was held on April 25th and it seems odd to me that it would be used as a time-filler on local tv. Yes, it is a local tragedy but as a family member I'm not sure I would want to be flipping by the channels and come across the funeral of my husband or brother. It just seems to be in poor taste. I have spent my whole life "near" the military but we were not a military family. Perhaps this is normal for a military funeral but it struck me as odd.

Fourthly, a good animal story!
Yesterday a young deer stormed our Legislature. The deer ran in through a side door, through the building, into the press gallery and out a window. (There were no signs the deer was hurt) The security videos are wild. This happened just across the street from my office. Hubby is now referring to the intruder as Al-Quadeer and wants to know why the deer hate our freedoms.

Finally, I'm being kidnapped by my Sis and that sly Canknitian.
Hard to say where I'll end up with those two. All I've been told is that I need to have clean undies and be prepared to not come home tomorrow night.
Should be interesting!

All clear and only slightly traumatized.

2007-05-30T13:22:00.000-04:00

It's over and done! The HSG was awful and painful but not nearly as bad as I had imagined it to be. And much to my releif there was no freezing involved!

They insisted on taking blood for a pregnancy test although I assured them that after 9 years it would be a bloody miracle if it came back positive. Nothing like adding a little insult to injury eh? Then there was some confusion about who was my doctor and who was doing the proceedure. Dr. M. was unavailable so he had booked me in with another doc in his office who was scheduled to be at the hospital that day. This was news to Dr. L. who insisted that he did not have a patient in today. Once that was straightened out the whole thing did not take very long.

Hubby said it was 7 minutes and 20 seconds from when they kicked him out to when they opened the door. While I was a little upset that he couldn't be with me I was glad he was waiting outside. Apparently some male hospital staffperson was lingering around the exam room and was about to open the door to come in when Hubby stopped him. How mad would I have been to have been exposed to the world! (or at least the waiting room) Somebody would have gotten hurt. Bad enough I had to ask them to close the door before I got on the table.

I wouldn't lie to you, there were parts that were painful and those parts were VERY painful but they were short lived. I had some cramps during and after but all in all I was prepared for much worse. I wouldn't recommend having it done for kicks but if you find yourself in need of one I wouldn't dread it the way I did. I'm still having some cramps a couple of hours later but I am planning to go to my Pilates class tonight.

I was glad I got to watch the screen as it was being done. I got to see the dye filling up and flooding out. (out to where? -I don't want to think about it.) The right side filled and flooded right away and the left side took a bit longer but also flooded. The findings are that there are no blockages and the tubes are all clear!

Now is that good news? Well yes and no. Yes, it is good to know I don't have any cysts or blockages that would require surgery but on the other hand if they found something I'd at least know what the problem was and what was involved in fixing it. As it stands now I'm left with the same diagnosis I've had for the last 3 years - "unexplained infertility".

The Doc did say that there was an increased pregnancy rate immediately after having the test so the odds are better for the next 3 months. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for the next little while.

Thank you soooo much for all of the support in emails and comments. It has been a rough week and this blog has been very theraputic. I wish I had started 3 years ago when I felt like I was the only woman in the world who couldn't have children. Thanks again for taking an interest in my little drama.

They are going to freeze my WHAT!

2007-05-29T05:00:00.000-04:00

So I was torturing myself today by reading up on the procedure I'm suppose to have tomorrow. It all sounds terrible but I was interested in reading how other people made out and what their experiences had been. Some said they had nothing more than mild cramps, others would lead you to believe it was hell. So I'm skimming over someone's post about their HSG when a word jumps off the page: Lidocaine.

Suddenly it occurs to me that this means they may be doing some freezing south of the equator, and then the panic. I could barely breathe. I listed in my 7 random things meme was the fact that I am terrified of dentists. This extends to a overall phobia of needles and, in particular, freezing. At Pilates the instructor tries to get us to tighten everything up by telling us to imagine that someone is coming at your "who-ha" with a pin. Well someone may actually try it tomorrow!!! WTF!

Once I started breathing again, thanks to RB who made me laugh in spite of myself, I started reading again and that was the only mention of freezing in connection with the HSG. Now it could just be that everyone assumes you know and the subsequent abdominal pain makes them forget about the freezing but I can't imagine that some of the more detailed overviews would leave something like that out. RB also spoke to someone who had one done at our hospital and they said they did not have any freezing. Whew! Hubby may actually get me through the doors if there is only a chance of freezing. Once they get me on the table it will be a little harder to run away.

Getting back to the "syndrome" I have been thinking about Bambi vs. Godzilla ever since Hubby so delicately pointed out that I was a monster. If you haven't seen this VERY short cartoon it is worth checking out.

Unbelievable Weekend

2007-05-28T12:20:00.000-04:00

I have had an "unbelievable" weekend. For instance I did not believe my sister when she told me our friend won $100,000 on a scratch ticket he picked up on his lunch break. I have good reason not to believe her, she is always trying to get people going but it turns out to be true. This friend works for my mother and she confirmed it. He was off to claim his money today.

I also did not believe my Hubby when he told me that there is a named syndrome for the ups and downs I've been having with the Clomid. He said he read it in a pregnancy book dropped off for someone at his work who is expecting. The conversation when like this:

Hubby "This book listed all the side effects that are associated with taking Clomid and they seem to be what you are going through. "

Wifey: (inner dialogue - no s#!t Sherlock I've only been taking it for 3 years, I know the side effects. At least he is reading about it and sounds sympathetic.)

Hubby: They even have a name for the syndrome associated with the mood swings that you have been having.

Wifey: "Really?"

Hubby: "Yeah its called 'Bambi/Hitler Syndrome, you know because you can be Bambi one moment and Hitler the next."

Wifey: (inner dialogue: Is he calling me Hitler? He's NOT calling me Hitler?)
"Are you calling me Hitler? Because you should know that there is a cause and effect thing here - if you call me Hitler I'm going to get upset."

Hubby: "No dear, I'm not calling you Hitler (inner dialogue: ... anymore or at least not out loud. Please stay Bambi, please stay Bambi!) I just thought you'd be interested in knowing that's what they called it.

Wife: I think it was just the author of the book trying to be funny, they can't really call it that.

Hubby: Yeah they could at least call it something like Bambi/Godzilla Syndrome.

Wifey: (inner dialogue - Great to know he thinks of me more as a monster.)

You may also find this unbelievable, but when I later did a Google Search there were not a lot of hits but one in particular jumped out

"The Bambi-Hitler syndrome. Manifestations. Emotional mood swings. Altered perceptions. Similar to PMS, but lasts all month long ..."

Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, & Neonatal Nursing
Volume 20 Issue 4 Page 321 - July 1991

Yes, it is a real medical journal - I checked it out.

Unbelievable.

On the crafty front I still don't have a project. I have taken the advice given and started dishclothes but it just isn't cutting it. I NEED to have the pattern for the fuchsia Noni bag. Only problem is they don't sell it locally, any place I've found in Canada that has it is backordered and the cheapest I can have it shipped from the States is with a flat rate of $12 (for what will be a letter sized envelope. It just seems a little much.

But maybe it's worth it.

Anyone done this bag or any of the other Noni bags? I'd be interested to know how they found the pattern and if they were happy with the way it turned out.

The Clomid Chronicles -Part 2 - Grieving Hope

2007-05-26T05:47:00.000-04:00

The birds are chirping so it's official, I have now spent all night crying.

I had a good day, I met a new prof from the law school we went for coffee after the photo op for my Charitable Giving publication and he recommended I do some graduate studies. (An educated nice guy who things I'm brilliant - I must be able to set him up with one of my friends.) I had a snooze in the sun this afternoon on my new swing and spent a lovely evening with friends. The tears were kept to a minium with only a few escapees when giving the girls the update from my appointment.

Tonight I woke up from a dead sleep and in an instant it dawned on me that I had lost my hope of getting pregnant. I immediately started sobbing. Not just a little misty-eyed, full-out pillow stiffling sobs. I have spent all night greiving my hope of a pregnancy. I know there is still a "chance" but I have lost the "hope" that has brought me through 3 years of treatments.

I still don't believe that Hubby and I will always be childless. If the fertility treatments don't work we will eventually adopt but I will first have to greive the loss of hope of a preganancy, of a newborn baby, of having a child with Hubby's eyes and my nose. I have to get over disappointing my hubby, our family and everyone who has been rooting for me.

I read an article about studies on women experiencing infertility and how they were shown to have the same stress levels as women with other medical conditions such as heart disease or HIV. It's little wonder I'm at my wit's end.

I've got to pull myself together try not to look like I've been up all night before I wake the Hubby. Don't get me wrong, he's very supportive and would have sat up with me all night, but he's participating in a fundraiser of a youth program this morning and then off to work so I didn't want to wake him. He'll get the full sob-by-sob replay when he gets home.

Maybe a little Ben and Jerry's Breakfast will start the day right! I've got an ice cream date set up for this afternoon. I probably just need to get back on my doctor approved all ice cream diet.

I also desperately need a new crafting project. I've been unable to pick a project and have gone through all of my pattern books with nothing catching my interest. Fellow crafter's I'm calling on you, I need some recommendations for something quick, satisfying and made with easy to find yarn (preferably from my growing stash) in either knit or crochet.

I know I'm always apologizing for the poor me rants but I really find a lot of comfort in knowing I'm not the only one out there going through this by reading other people's fertility blogs and I hope that someone else may find something helpful in my little meltdowns.

For example, I did crack a smile when I came across the following on the blog "Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies but apparently neither does sex" I hope she doesn't mind that I posted it here but I just had to share!

Crafty Goodness

2007-05-25T07:12:00.000-04:00

Okay, enough with the doom and gloom and poor barren me. We now return you to our regular crafty goodness.

Meet "Jacques the Monkey"!

My Hubby spotted this as I was flipping through a friend's Happy Hooker book and insisted that I make him one for his new toy, a MP3 and video player. Only he wanted it in "monkey colours" and not the purple it was shown in. I got the idea from the book but just winged it rather than following the pattern.

The back is clear vinyl and will protect the screen while still allowing him to use the MP3 player and watch his videos.

Apparently Jacques is quite a hit at his work and he suspects I'll have some requests to make different animals for some of his co-workers.

Today is suppose to be 33 degrees and Hubby and I put together a swing for the deck that flops out like a futon. I just hope the rain clears up early enough for me to sit out this afternoon.

I almost forgot (okay I did forget and came back to edit the post) I owe Miss Me a list of 7 random things about me.

1. I have created the perfect PMS snack - a peanutbutter, chocolate spread and raspberry jam sandwich. It is both salty and sweet and filling. I swear, by the time you've finished your fifth sandwich you'll have no room for other junk food.

2. I have never made a penny on a my wedding cakes. I don't do very many and I consider the work that goes into them to be a gift to the bride and groom. My first wedding cake was 7 cakes with hundreds of icing daisies. It took 10 hours just to decorate it.

3. I have been with my Francophone Hubby for 13 years and still can not speak French

4. I spent an obscene amount of money on legal robes, tabs, vest, skirt etc. and wore it only once - to my Bar admission ceremony.

5. I would like to visit every province and territory in Canada. Still have British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Newfoundland, Yukon, Northwest Territories, and Nunavut left to see.

6. I am seriously afraid of Dentists and need medication to get me in the door.

7. I am an unabashed car singer. I love to sing but couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, only those who are brave enough to travel with me are subjected to my crooning.

(I'll have to check to see who has not been tagged)

Clomid Chronicles: Thank Heavens for Little Boys, Friends and Family

2007-05-24T11:19:00.000-04:00

Warning:
Those readers just looking for an update on the latest crafty project or swap will probably want to check back in a couple of weeks.

Those readers who enjoy soap operas may want pop some corn and stay tuned for the train wreck that my life is about to become. That’s right it’s time for another installment of the “Clomid Chronicles” Now in 3D (triple dose!)

I had a very disappointing appointment with my Doc yesterday. In fact, the whole ordeal was a disaster. I have been going to see him for three years and so I’ve learned to prepare myself for a waiting room full of pregnant bellies, the posters of mothers with their newborns, pictures of all of the babies delivered by the Doc etc. I’m even prepared for the staff to ask me how many weeks I am and making me announce to the waiting room that I am there because of infertility. I have dealt with all of this repeatedly but yesterday was too much. When I walked into the office there were no less than 10 signs posted that said:

BABY BOOM ALERT!
We are experiencing a Baby Boom and currently have more pregnancies than our doctors typically handle. Please be prepared for delays between appointments as we try to accommodate the larger than normal number of pregnant patients.

It makes perfect sense; we recently had a bunch of soldiers head to Afghanistan (say about 3 months ago) so the baby boom is to be expected. However, my already fragile, infertile brain reads: “EVERYONE IS PREGNANT BUT YOU!” I told the Doc he was killing me with the signs and he agreed that it wasn’t fair.

Then he tells me that the drugs still aren’t working (which I knew) and that he felt he had done all he could do for me. Gulp. I was not prepared for that. I knew that eventually we may have to consider going to see an out-of-province specialist and have to decided how much we could afford or would be willing to spend on more invasive options like IVF. I just was ready for eventually to be today.

The next step will be a hysterosalpingogram (which I’m told is most unpleasant and quite painful) and then waiting for a consultation date in Nova Scotia. In the meantime, I start the 3D dose of Clomid and hope that next month is the month! It gets a little frustrating when 15 babies have been born to friends and family in the 3 years I’ve been taking the crazy pills.

I’m a mess already and I don’t start the pills until tonight. I cried at the Doc’s office, I cried in the car, I cried when I broke the news to Hubby, I cried at pilates, I cried at my sister’s and then went home and cried some more. And oh boy does it show today. Luckily, I scheduled a photo for the Charities press release for tomorrow.

Thank heavens for little boys, friends and family. Canknitian let me cry in the car on the way to Pilates, Monkey made me smile by having a meltdown when I said it was too late to go to the library, Sis fed me cookies and ice cream, The Papa (my step-dad) listened to me talk to Mom about my fallopian tubes without turning red and leaving the room, RB reminded me Nova Scotia = road trip, and Hubby bought me a meter of fabric I wanted to make a bag for myself. (He’s a good man who knows the way to a crafter’s heart.)

I really am trying to pull myself out of this but I fear the Clomid will make that pretty hard in the next few days so bear with me!

Book Challange is a grand success!

2007-05-22T09:28:00.000-04:00

The book challenge seems to be a great success. Monkey is so excited when I stopped by last night to mend a CareBear (Aunt Teecee fixes things)he came running with a pile of books. When I told him we could read two books and that would bring us up to 14 he started dancing around singing and counting to 14. He has even asked to go to the library early this week and so I will be taking him tonight - who can resist a request like that! (Shh, don't tell the monkey but we are also going to see Shrek tonight!)

I was trying to think of the best way to track our progress, since Monkey can't read a list is a little useless to him. I decided to create a blog with images of the book covers so he can see the ones we have read and remember the story from the cover. I've had many emails and comments on this book challenge and anyone interested in following our progress can visit Teecee and Monkey's Reading Challenge to see how we are doing. Monkey and I are also recording which books we really liked and our favourite thing from each story so if you have young children in your life you could get some good ideas.

This weekend was a long weekend in Canada, formally known as Victoria Day weekend, informally known as the May 2-4 Weekend. We spent our 2-4 at a rented cottage on the bay. It was rainy and miserable outside but a whole lot of fun inside. Hubby and a friend went into town on Saturday night to see B.B. King, the rest of us holed up in the cottage all weekend with cards,Yahtzee and the Bob and Doug McKenzie 2-4 Anniversary Special. A great time was had by all.

Back to the grind today! (At least this is a short week.)

Retraction

2007-05-18T23:41:00.000-04:00

I would like to retract my last post. While the things I listed certainly are signs of spring in NB. Spring has decidedly NOT sprung. It had sprung but has since unsprung. (Although possibly springing again in the near future.)

To clear up any confusion, I would like to share the images that greeted me yesterday morning as I stepped outside.

Yup, that's snow.

We apparently received 10-15 cms last night although very little of it actually accumulated and the rain had washed it all away by noon. Still, no one south of Nunavut should have to brush off their car on May 17th.
One angry little snowman.

On a positive note the cold and rainy weather gave me time to finish up my Monica for Mouse. It is about a size three using the size two pattern and Lion Brand Cotton-Ease. This size used less than one ball of each with enough left over to make a cloche style hat. (I hope it fits, I didn't think to measure her noggin when she was here.) I can't wait to see her try it on!

Last night was Library night for Monkey and I. We read a story about a school that was doing a book challenge where the students had to read 1000 books over the school year. Monkey and I have decided to do our own challenge and have decided to read 100 books! We counted up the ones we read at the library yesterday and we are already up to 12. We counted each book only once even though we had read some of them several times.

On the drive home we decided that we should have a prize when we get to 100 books. I was trying to think of something big to motivate him and his four-year old brain suggested "A chocolate bar or an ice cream". While it is tempting to take advantage of his inexpensive recommendation I would like to think of something a little more exciting. Any suggestions? Maybe a chocolate bar AND an ice cream!

Spring has sprung

2007-05-15T07:26:00.000-04:00

Spring Felted Bag Exchange Question #2: Where you live, what signifies the beginning of Spring? A favorite flower blooming? Snowmelt? Pollen (Cough cough, gak, here in ATL, thanks) Post something up describing how you knew 'Spring had Sprung' for you!

Spring in New Brunswick means mayflowers and fiddleheads.

Mayflowers are tiny pink or white flowers that grow wild in the woods. They are very small and very fragrant. When I was young I would go every spring with my grandparents for a muddy tramp through the woods searching under trees for these tiny flowers. They are only around for a few weeks and the smell is wonderful. Sadly the place we use to go to pick them has since been developed and I haven't the faintest clue where to get them in the wild now. I am forced to pay outrageous prices for two small tinfoil wrapped bunches at the Farmer's Market - one for me and one for my Gram.

Fiddleheads:
Few things make my mouth water like the thought of fiddleheads. They are only available for brief time in the spring and are a New Brunswick delicacy. For those of you who thought a fiddlehead was only the end of a violin here is a picture of a fiddlehead in the wild.

Yes, it is a baby fern, and yes we eat them – by the bucket.

When they are cleaned and steamed and ready to eat they are the most brilliant and appetizing shade of green. They have a taste that is described as being similar to spinach or asparagus. The first time I had asparagus I thought it tasted almost like fiddleheads.

They are eaten with lots of butter, garlic butter, lemon juice or vinegar. (I prefer just butter with just a bit of vinegar.) I have never prepared them any way but steamed, why mess with perfection, but I am anxious to try a fiddlehead chowder recipe I found.

If we manage to save any in the spring we freeze them for special occasions like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Like anything, they are not as good from frozen as they are when they are fresh. I’ve heard that McCain’s sells frozen fiddleheads at the grocery store so if you are not fortunate enough to live in the Maritimes or New England then you can try to find them at the store.

I'm going to have to make a trip to market this weekend to see if either are available yet.

It is not a tumour!

2007-05-14T12:52:00.000-04:00

Good news! I do not have terminal toe cancer! My biopsy has come back clean and it turns out it is nothing more than a beauty mark on my big toe. I wasn't worried, I've had a few of these done, but the family has been quite concerned. It looks like I will live to craft another day!

Speaking of crafting goodness, check out this Spidey-ghan done by a fellow Spring Bag Exchanger,Shawnee. (Scroll down the page to March 27th) I know a certain 4 year old Monkey and a Canknitian of undisclosed age who would loose their minds over this one.

Currently OTN is a Monica in pink with a green ruffle for the Mouse. The Mouse is my two year old niece whom I have just met! Big Bro has moved back to NB after living in BC and Alberta for more than 10 years, and he has brought his girlfriend and their little Mouse too. She is sweet but shy. I can't wait to finish it for her next trip to see me. It will be great to have her just an hour away.

Sis has just brought home 5 foster kittens for the SPCA they are very cute. Monkey was beside himself with 5 kittens running around him. I can easily see one of these cuties landing at my house, that is if the Queen of the Castle (my cat) will allow it.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T21:47:00.000-04:00

Nothing makes me feel more like a Grinch than Mother’s Day. Yes I certainly appreciate all the mothers in my life. No one has more mothers and grandmothers than I do. (That would be 11 mothers, stepmothers and grandmothers) I appreciate them but it is just too hard to celebrate Mother’s Day.

Mrs. Grinch hated Mother’s Day!
The whole crumby season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be the Clomid – (her head wasn't screwed on quite right)
It could be, perhaps, that her tubes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her womb was two sizes too small.

I feel terrible not being able to keep my emotions in check but it is just such a big trigger. Our family tradition has always been to go out for brunch or dinner together. The first Mother’s day after my diagnosis was not so bad because I was still filled with hope and convinced that any day I would be pregnant. As the years go by it is getting more and more hopeless and harder and harder to sit around a table where every other woman receives cards, flowers and gifts. The well-meaning waitress comes with the handful of flowers or chocolates and asks who the mothers at our table are. It is just a painful reminder that I am the only woman in my family who does not have children.

This year I skipped the cards – Mother’s day cards are a whole other level of torture. Last year I left the store in tears. Instead, Monkey and I potted some flowers for all the Moms and Grandmas who live nearby.

I’ve tried to think of the best way to describe why Mother’s Day is hard for infertile women. Most people don’t get it and think it is just being self-centered but it is not that you don’t want others to have a Happy Mother’s Day but you can’t help but feel sorry for yourself. The whole day is a celebration of the one thing you can’t have. The weeks leading up to Mother’s Day every commercial advertises how great it is to be a they are daily reminders that you are a barren old hag and while 95% of women have a child or could have a child you can’t no matter how badly you want to.

Mother's Day - Bah, Humbug!

Meanwhile back at the Beausejour

2007-05-09T15:03:00.000-04:00

It seems like forever since I've been to Moncton, although it can't have been more than a couple of months. I'm holed up at my usual haunt - the Delta - for the week. This can only mean trouble since the only things I do in Moncton is shop and eat. So far I've hit the Micheal's, Addition Elle and Old Navy. I'm saving Costco for Friday.

I'm also right on track with the eating agenda. Last night I had dinner with the only two suckers, er friends, who are still practicing law. Every visit I get closer to convincing Mr. Sucker to get out. Fortunately, they took pity on their poor non-profit colleague and treated me to dinner at a great spot down the street. We had a wonderful visit and made plans to go to their place for dinner tomorrow night.

Tonight I am having dinner with my long lost cousin. I'm really looking forward to getting together with her. For now I think I'll just enjoy the peace and quiet of my hotel room.

But why Captain America?

2007-05-04T08:11:00.000-04:00

I'm a pretty patriotic type of gal, just this week our pilates class was interupted when my cell phone broke into a midi chorus of O'Canada, so I'm not sure why my darling little monkey has decided has to be Captain America. Now don't get me wrong Cpt. A. is a cool superhero, what with the shield and all, but why him? What could have such an strong influence on the 4 year old mind? Oh yeah, he's on his underoos!

Lil' Sis said she can not find a thing with Cpt. A. on it, and Monkey desperately NEEDS a costume. Hubby and Sis tried to convince me to make him one but my crafty canadian brain just can't imagine where I will find the time to sew a cowl with wings. Luckily for Monkey, Hubby is not so easily put off. He starts talking about how to do an easy version. He bought some iron-on transfer paper and printed out the star and stripes for the blue t-shirt he bought, he found some blue pants and shorts at the second hand store and with a little bit of design help (and threading of the sewing machine) he made a shield out of a foam cushion and some iron on stripes and stars.

The result one very happy Captain America! He has hardly taken it off all week. He even wore it to Daycare!

On an unrelated note - Happy No Pants Day one and all! We will be dropping our pants at the door for charity at today's No Pants Day BBQ. (For those who may be mislead this is in no way a nudist event. It is all pretty PG - boxers, housecoats, towels, long johns, anything but pants.) While last year the weather was a little chilly, this year it is down-right cold so our celebration of spring will likely be more of an indoor event. Either way there will be burgers, beverages and babies to squeeze so it will be a good time.

I had the time of my life...

2007-05-01T21:15:00.000-04:00

Tonight I went to see Dirty Dancing on the big screen. As part of the 20th anniversary of the film (and to promote the stage show coming to Toronto) they are showing it for two nights. Both days were sold out by supper, luckily I went after work and pick up tickets for me and the girls. I think we counted 3 brave men in sea of women. I had never seen it on the big screen, it was a blast! I can't imagine how many times I have seen the movie, I also played the soundtrack to death.

It makes me miss going out dancing. I remember the days when I spent every Thursday night to Sunday morning on the dancefloor. There is not really any place for adults to go dancing here. It is a university town and the bars are filled with young skinny half-naked girls. It is hard to feel as confident as we did 10 years ago.

The crazies have all but passed and I am feeling much more like myself again. I had a slight set back when my Dr. left a message saying he was increasing the dose again. Poor Hubby may not survive "Triple Crazy". If I set up a swear jar I may save a fortune next month.

All of my friends have recently discovered Facebook. What a blast finding old friends and seeing the pictures people post. One thing I can say is that we have a lot of fun. Hubby and I have a great group of friends who are up for anything and we are always planning some adventure, costume party or ways to improve our annual birthday bash on the beach. (Less than 100 days to go - I can hear the hammock calling my name.)

I think I've come to a decision on the job front. I've decided that it is worth keeping a job that I love until I find a job that at least interests me and pays better. I have so many friends that are bailing on high paying firm jobs because they hate going to work everyday. While I would prefer to work from home any day I have to say that I don't dread going to work. Besides, if I leave who is going to scare the pants off of the kids by telling them what will happen if they break the law. Also, I am the only lawyer in the province, and possibly the country who has their own handy dandy prize wheel.

As you can see from the photo the prize wheel can also be used to encourage bad behaviour!

Do you work for love or for money?

2007-04-29T18:29:00.000-04:00

Last week I interviewed for a new job. The interview went very well, I was able to answer all of their questions and had plenty of relevant experience. The pay was MUCH better than what I currently make ($10,000 more + benefits + an extra week of vacation + RSP matching). The work would not be difficult, and I would likely be less busy than I am in my current position. So what's the problem, right?

Problem is I love the work I do. I work for a non-profit organization and make peanuts compared to what I could be making at a firm or in government. But the perks of my job include:
- Interesting and rewarding projects
- There is lots of variety in the projects I work on.
- I can take a sunny afternoon and work from my deck at home.
- There is satisfaction in knowing the work I do is helping people
- It is in my field
- I get to network and take part in committees and conferences.
- There is lots of travel.
- I work in an office of all women who tolerate my Crazy days.
- I can call into work "Crazy" and work from home with no questions asked or hassles.

As you can tell there is a lot to like about where I am. The downside is the pay, no opportunities for advancement,and funding for the position is always hanging in the balance.

The question becomes whether to take a job that is less interesting and more financially fulfilling or stay with a job that I love and earn less. Last time I weighed these options I was offered a position with the government. I quickly decided to stay where I was. The work would have been dreadfully boring and it was only guaranteed for 1 year.

So what would you do? Given your choice between a great paying job and work that is interesting and fun, which would you choose?

Infertility and God

2007-04-28T19:18:00.000-04:00

There must be a great comfort in religion. I envy people who have the benefit of a true and complete belief that there is someone looking over them and if they are good and if they are patient every thing will work out in the end. Ever since I can remember I have questioned faith, at bible camp I was the kid asking “If in the beginning there was the “Word” then where did the word come from?” I’ve never had faith.

Hubby is a good Catholic boy, by which I mean he attends Mass more frequently than most of my friends. Most of my friends and family have religion and faith and part of their understanding of life and the world. There is a lot about religion that appeals to me the support network, volunteerism, optimism, and the reassurance of a guiding force. I could easily slip into religion, except for the fact that I don’t believe.

In the midst of my Clomid Craze I find myself once again searching the internet for a kindred spirit, someone who has been faced with the same decisions with regards to fertility and adoption. As an agnostic I can’t help but notice the number of references to “God’s Plan” and prayer. The common belief that “Everything happens for a reason” just does not work for me.

It seems like a small thing but when you are trying to make sense of something as big as infertility there is a fundamental difference in how you rationalize things and how you decide enough is enough. I recently came upon this short story “A Mom Wannabe”, I identify so strongly with this woman except for the part where she is comforted by her faith.

I’m tired of being a Mom Wannabe. I enjoy being the favourite Aunt and spoiling everyone else’s kids but it does not replace the desire to be parent. I often wonder if it comes across as pathetic, spending so much time and affection on other people’s kids, trying desperately to fill the void. Everyone comments on how great it is that I am so close with my nephew and I love being an Aunt, but I really want to be a Mom and a favourite Aunt.

My first exchange!

2007-04-22T10:16:00.000-04:00

On all of the crafty blogs I read everyone is doing these fun exchanges and now I'm going to get to try it out. I've joined the Spring Felted Bag Exchange. (Thanks Miss Me, I found the link on your site!)

I can't wait to get a match and start working on a gift for them. Any tips on what makes a good exchange pal? I don't want to drop the ball on my first exchange.

Here is my questionaire:
1. How long have you been knitting or crochetting? How did you learn?
I have been crochetting for 23 years, my Grampy taught me when I was 8. I have only recently learned how to knit.

2. What are your favorite yarns to knit\crochet felted bags with? I love Patons Classic Wool for felting - great colours.

3. What are your favorite needles to knit\crochet with? I've had my steel hooks so long I don't know what brand they are. I am just starting to accumulate a hodge-podge of knitting needles.

4. What are the last 3 bags you knitted\crochetted (include URL for Yahoo! or flickr album or your blog if you have them!)? You can also link to patterns if you don't have pictures of your finished objects!
The last three felted bags I've made have all been circle bags but I just finished a cute crocheted purse from a pattern in a magazine.

5. Do you carry the bags that you make, give them as gifts, or both? Like most crafters I usually give away everything I make. I rarely get around to making something for myself.

6. What is your favorite felted bag that you have made for yourself? It was a circle bag but it has not yet been felted.

7. What are your favorite colors? Do you like bags in these colors or choose other colors? Purples (mauves and plums) Sage green, chocolate brown (oddly all food related colours) but I'm not fussy - anything but peach.

8. Chocolate: White, Milk, Dark, or not so much? Dark or Milk

9. Coffee, Tea, or Milk? Fruit Teas and Milk

10. Do you prefer sweet or salty treats? What kinds? Sweet.

11. If you went into Bath and Body Works and could only come out with one item, what would it be and what would it smell like? Grapefruit

12. Do you enjoy any other crafts or hobbies? Do you collect anything? Lots of hobbies - decorating cakes, sewing

13. Are there any bag patterns you have not yet knit, but hope to someday? none that I can think off

14. What is currently OTN (on the needles) for you? A special request for a purple and red bag for a member of the Red Hat Society.

15. What is your most recent finished object before that? A knit scarf patterned like the Acadian flag - compete with star.

16. What's cutest: Puppies, Piggies or Pixies? Puppies

17. Do you enjoy reading? Books, Magazines, or both? Both, I enjoy a novel with great characters.

18. Do you have any children? (kid-kind or pet-kind apply!) A cat

19. What are some of your favorite yarns for other projects? Freedom Wool, Briggs and Little, I'm not fussy.

20. And for the final question, one I see debated all over: Novelty Yarn - Love it or Hate it? - Hate it.

So there it is, now I just have to wait to be matched up!

So far its been a hectic day. It's not even noon and I've cleaned up from last night's BBQ Party, made a date with my Grandparents, connected with an old flame on Facebook, and gone on a rescue mission to help my friend who had sprained her ankle and was lying in her driveway up the street for me. (DM is fine, just a little sore.) What an awful feeling to not be able to get up and be stuck in the driveway with two young kids running around. The oldest (6) comes running to my car to tell me that "Mom is going to be okay" while the youngest(3)is desperate to get into the house because "Mom needs a Band-aid". Kids have such big hearts.

How many nerve endings are there in a big toe?

2007-04-20T05:36:00.000-04:00

I've got an "owie". I had a biopsy done on a mole that magically appeared on the inside of my big toe. The proceedure itself was quick and (aside from the freezing)very painless. I am certain that the doctor was laughing to herself when I left saying -"That wasn't so bad!" I somehow forgot that the toe was still frozen.

Every little bump sends a sharp pain down my foot. The other night Hubby accidentally sat on it and I screamed like I was being stabbed. (Should I be concerned that none of the neighbours came to see if I was okay?) I generally don't take as much as an asprin but I've been popping Motrin like Pez.

My biggest problem is footwear. My bandaged foot will not fit into any of my shoes! Even my Crocs are a stretch and I can only get my foot in without a sock on it. While we did have a nice day yesterday, it has generally been cold and wet - simply not the weather for barefeet in holey shoes.

Facebook is evil. Okay, its not really evil it is just very, very addictive. There is a certain satisfaction in finding someone that you have not seen in years. I started a group for my law school grad class and nearly 20 of the 70-some grads have signed up.

Touching base with my classmates has confirmed that not a lot of us have stayed in private practice. A few have moved into in-house positions with companies, others are working for government and there are a few like me who have gone to work at non-profit organizations. The number of people who are actually practicing law in a law firm is surprising low.

On the crafty front, I have crocheted a cute little purse with a seed stitch and cute little puffs. I will post a pic once I have found a buckle for it.

Celebrity Look-a-likes

2007-04-10T21:14:00.000-04:00

The Heaster Heggs Unt and the Heaster At

2007-04-04T20:57:00.000-04:00

I really do admire people who are fluent in more than one language. My Hubby is one of them, he is can flip back and forth with no accent either way. He was raised in a French household but lived in English communities. It is something I just can't seem to master. Although I can read and understand a great deal of spoken French I have no ability to speak it myself. I know the words but not the grammar. That said - there is something inherently funny about accents.

I took the Monkey to an Easter story time at the library this morning. I took the morning off just for the occasion. I picked him up from his daycare to go on his first trip to the library. They had a librarian in a bunny suit (more on that later) reading stories, singing songs and doing crafts. She was great with the kids and had them all very engaged. She did however have a very thick French accent. The first story as about An Heaster Heggs Unt and every page was "Do you think this it is an heaster heggs? No, it is not an heaster heggs it is a..." The second story was about a special "Heaster at" for the Heaster parade. She did a great job but it made me chuckle. I have to give her credit, if I ever got brave enough to read a story aloud in French the audience would be rolling on the floor.

After we finished our craft and picked our books we headed back to daycare. Unfortunately they had an early lunch and so I had to get the Monkey dressed and back in the car to go for lunch at my house. There was a lot of arm twisting going on over lunch. "mmm,how about we stay at your house today?" "We could snuggle on the couch and have a nap at your house." "We had only had one half a day from daycare, let's have two half a days from daycare." It was so hard to resist! It would have been a beautiful day to spend with the Monkey but I had to go back to work.

Hubby took him to the Globetrotters game last night and they had a blast. Apparently the basketball players were cool but it was the mascot - Globey that was the big hit. I went to see "Blades of Glory" with friends. I expected nothing from it and laughed the whole way through! (The end was a little much.) It was juvenille and had an obvious plot but it also had some good laughs.

Tonight we had pilates and for the first time I sat close to the mirrored wall. I won't make that mistake again. There is nothing encouraging about watching your round little body bulge as you twist and turn. Generally, I can imagine that I am much more graceful than I actually appear. I usually can relax and focus on the movements but tonight I was distracted and kept thinking "My God, you really are a round little butterball! - Good grief are my boobs really that big!"

On the upside I did keep thinking that I liked my new haircut.

And now for something completely different...

2007-04-03T12:30:00.000-04:00

Here goes my first meme.

1. Name a movie you have seen more than 10 times. Stand by Me and History of the World Part 1
2. Name a movie you’ve seen multiple times in the theater. Where the Heart is. – LOVED the book
3. Name an actor who would make you more inclined to see a movie. Antonio Bandaras (yummy)
4. Name an actor who would make you less likely to see a movie. Steven Seagal
5. Name a movie you can and do quote from. Quest for the Holy Grail
6. Name a movie musical in which you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs. Dirty Dancing
7. Name a movie you have been known to sing along with. Muriel’s Wedding (ABBA rocks!)and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
8. Name a movie you would recommend everyone see. Schindler’s List traumatic but worth it.
9. Name a movie you own. When Harry Met Sally
10. Name an actor who launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops. Will Smith
11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what? Several, we usually go every year. The first one I remember seeing was Bambi.
12. Ever made out in a movie? At home, of course. In the theatre, not that I can recall but it is possible.
13. Name a movie you keep meaning to see but you just haven’t gotten around to yet.
14. Ever walked out of a movie? No but I should have – two dates come to mind – On Deadly Ground and Léolo I don’t recommend either.
15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater. Just about every movie- happy tears, sad tears, laughing tears.
16. Popcorn? I love popcorn but it hates me.
17. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)? Hard to say, depends on what is playing, usually not even once a month.
18. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater? Happy Feet
19. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie? I’m a sucker for the romantic comedy but I really enjoy a good drama.
20. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater? E.T.
21. What movie do you wish you had never seen? Léolo – think American Pie but MUCH more disturbing.
22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed? No specific titles come to mind, there have been quite a few odd films I’ve happened upon on IFC that I’ve enjoyed.
23. What is the scariest movie you’ve seen? IT and the creepy troll from Cat’s Eye that steals your breath.
24. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen? It has to be either Quest for the Holy Grail or History of the World Part 1. Both are ridiculous and not at all funny until you have seen it more than once.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second ti-me!

The Claw

2007-04-01T08:02:00.000-04:00

I've been having trouble sleeping lately and last night I struck apon the oddest analogy. I was thinking about a blog I recently read where the husband and wife were at odds on how much money they should "invest" in fertility treatments. It's not something most couples have to deal with. The big questions are about timing and the number of children not how much is it worth, in dollars.

My first thought was to compare it to a lottery where you are putting down money on a chance that you will get pregnant. There are no guarantees, but if you "win" it will change your life and you get the thing you want most, a baby. But a lottery is too random for a fair comparison.

It is more like "The Claw" at the arcade. You know the one with the case full of big prizes. You can see what you want and it is right there in front of you, you can know exactly what it is you need to do. So you carefully manouever and position so that everything should be perfect. You take the plunge and wait, sometimes it comes up empty and you know that it didn't work. Other times it grabs something and you wait on pins and needles to see if it has actually worked. You can be so sure you have it but the moment before it reaches its goal the prize slips out of the claw and you end up empty handed.

Because you feel like you have some control, and you came so close last time, you keep pumping money into the machine hoping that this time you can do everything perfectly. As long as you have money the machine will give you the chance at the prize.

When you can not easily have children you are faced with the awkward discussion about how much is a baby worth to you. It seems almost immoral to place a dollar value on something like that. I always feel like a bad person just for thinking it. If you place a monetary limit on a dream then it can feel like you are limiting your desire to have a baby. Almost like you are selling out. It is such an emotional and personal debate that it seems almost impossible that two people will have the same limit.

If money was no object there are endless options(like the 65 year old woman who had a twins last year), but for most of us there are limits and it feels unfair and unnatural to be put in that position.

Of course my heart wants nothing more than to experience a pregnancy and to give my hubby what he wants so badly, a biological heir. Someone that looks like him, that will carry forward the family line that he has traced back some 16 generations. My head on the other hand argues that you can spend endlessly on a "chance" and there is only so much the heart can take. Every month is a heavy investment emotionally.

I read online about all of the people that are so far along in the fertility treatments, they have spent every penny for years on the "chance" rather than adopting a child and actually having a family. In NB there is a long waiting list for adopting an infant (8-10 years). So we are left to determine how much a biological baby and those first few years are worth.

How do you put a value on the experience of creating a life, the natural bond (both for you and other family), first words, first steps. (Head: labour and delivery, sleepless nights, diapers and most importantly the fact that babies are only babies for a brief moment.)

With this internal debate raging all night I can understand why I'm not sleeping but what I can't figure is why now? This has been going on for years but why the sudden distraction? Oh well, that is for another sleepless night.

Time is almost up!

2007-03-29T22:05:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the last working day of the fiscal year. For a charity this means making sure every penny is spent and invoiced for tomorrow. (Heaven forbid you might actually have something left.) My projects are pretty much undercontrol because unlike some other people I anticipate the year end chaos all year and trust no one but myself to make sure everything is accounted for. Yes, I am a control freak.

Today was fun, I don't think I repeated myself too many times in the sessions. It all gets very blurry after five 50 minutes sessions. After a rocky start it was all good. Although the first class had some "disruptions" it all went smoothly the rest of the day.

I must say, I have no idea how teachers keep their train of thought with the intercom system binging, beeping and blaring constantly. It didn't help that our sessions were off the regular class schedule so most of the bings would have normally been during breaks.

Poopid People Everywhere!

2007-03-28T19:57:00.000-04:00

Whew, I think everyone has survived the worst of the rollercoaster for this month. I had a relatively calm day today (slight flare-ups here and there) but all in all I'm getting back to normal. I may even pick up my knitting tonight. (Too crazy to craft is a bad state of affairs!)

I got a great stretch at my Bendy Class. A bunch of friends have been taking private Pilates classes once a week. It is sooo much better to giggle, gasp and groan in the company of close friends. I am the furthest thing from a fitness freak, in fact I left class and came home to roast beast and gravy, but I do really enjoy a great stretch.

Sis called last night to tell me the Monkey, at 4 years old, had outsmarted her. The conversation when something like this:
Monkey: Mom, can I say "stupid"?
Mom: No, its a bad word and we don't use it.
Monkey: mmmm, can I say "Poop"?
Mom: Yes,"poop" is not a bad word, but its still not nice.
Monkey: mmmmmmm, can I say "Poopid"?
Mom: Poopid?
Monkey: Yeah, (giggle)cause its is so poopid(giggle).

She said he played her perfectly. It was so calculated and sneaky and it completely took her by surprise. Not surprisingly "poopid" has become her new favourite word.

Off to bed early tonight! Tommorrow I have to do 5 back-to-back presentations, which means I can either scare the pants off 150 Grade 9 students or I can bore them to tears! I may just switch it up a bit from class to class. I love my job.

If 25 is old what does that make me?

2007-03-27T23:01:00.000-04:00

So I've not caused any physical harm today. (Although I think Hubby is developing a twitch!) I did resist the urge to leave a nasty voicemail at my Dr's office. (Why am I getting a message at 2:00 which says they will be answering the phones from 1:30-4:00 and to please call back during during that time?) and I decided to wait another day or two to comment on the "work" the student sent me.

While I didn't actually say anything to The Ostrich yesterday I think she got the impression when I left at lunch and didn't come back that I was irritated. I all but locked myself in my office. Unfortunately the manic phase has given way to a heavy sadness.

I tried to search again online for someone who is going through the same struggles with infertility that I am. I just can't find anyone in the same boat, the people on the forums and blogs are much further down the treatment road then I am. Having a signature with the endless list of failed treatments and IVF's is just so depressing.

I just can't identify with the people who are willing to put their bodies through hell for years on end on the ever slimming chance they will get pregnant. I'm just not there. While I would love to have a pregancy, I am very open to adoption. Hubby is the "try every possible medical option first and use adoption as a last resort" type.

Hubby and I stopped trying to NOT have a baby when we were married nearly 9 years ago. We weren't concerned about not getting pregnant because of law school, articles and his heart surgery. We have been trying drug treatments on and off for nearly 3 years and while the Clomid works for most women (80% ovulate and 80% of them conceive)I am the exception that proves the rule.

The only women I found who were at the same stage as I am were 24 and 25, they had each been married 2 years and were lamenting that their time was running out. Good grief, if they are too old to get pregnant what chance does a 31 year old geezer like me stand? 25 year old simply do not have the right to complain about being old.

I understand the pressure to get pregnant right after you get married. It is what comes next, I remember feeling like that was just the next logical step, you get married and then you get the baby. My family to called the day I returned from my honeymoon to asked if I was pregnant yet - it had been 2 weeks. My MIL laments that she has ONLY been waiting 10 YEARS for a baby. At this rate she'd be better off trying to have another baby herself.

Sorry folks, that post just seemed to get away on me. I didn't mention my inability to focus but I'm sure you've gotten the picture by now.

Have no fear folks - this too shall pass. I will soon be back to my saner, craftier old self.

Close call

2007-03-26T15:11:00.000-04:00

Let me begin by saying, I know I am completely crazy.

Today is probably the peak of this month's Clomid craze but having been on this rollercoaster for quite sometime I have become quite adept at concealling the crazy. I can generally rant internally while keeping up the "sane" facade. I recognize that I have a heightened reaction to those things which normally just bug me.

The problem arises when something that would normally make me angry, upset or frustrated sets off uncontrollable tears, rage or stress. Today I came far too close to letting loose on my boss. The tirade was on the tip of my tongue when I had a split-second thought that this may end badly, and walked away. Rest assured that if I had actually said what was on my mind I would not have a job. Thankfully I had a brief moment of clarity and walked away, packed up my laptop and went to work at home.

Not only am I under the influence of raging hormones, this just happens to be the year end and my most stressful week of the year. By 10:00 this morning it felt like I had put in a full week. I started the day preparing to destroy the first year law student who did some "research" for me. He was saved by the bell when the phone rang and I had to ask The Ostrich to pull her head out of the sand and actually make a decision.

For the greater good I should find something to keep me occupied tonight. If you don't hear from me tomorrow I'm probably in jail.

Sugarbushed

2007-03-23T16:35:00.000-04:00

Last night the Monkey had his birthday sleepover at our house. We did our best to get him to bed at a reasonable time because he had a whole weekend of fun planned to celebrate his 4th birthday. At 8:30 we all got our jammies on and went to bed. Hubby read him the book "The Hockey Sweater" three times before showing him the National Film Board short film (you know the one, where the little boy prays for God to send him a hundred million moths to eat up his Leaf's jersey).

We were all tucked in, lights out by just after 9 - so far so good. He had slept for about 10 minutes when the phone rang. Because he had a whole 10 minutes of sleep he was ready to stay up all night! It took a little convincing and a lot of "playing dead" to convince him it was still sleep time. This is harder than you think when he is singing "This is Teecee's song, and I am singing a song for teecee and she is the fairest of them alllll, and the prettiest of them allllll, and these are teecee's eyes, and this is teecee's hair..." I just wanted to scoop him up and give him a thousand kisses. The adoration of a four year old is great for the Clomid Crazies.

"One stick of pure sugar please!"

This morning we were off to Sugar Bush! The hungry little monkey ate a lumberjack sized breakfast before we went to get our maple candy fresh from the snow. We ate pure sugar, stompped through mud and puddles, ran in and out of the barns, had a wagon ride and learned all about making pottery from mud and clay before heading home.

Hubby and Monkey

What is it about boys and puddles?

We dropped Hubby at the house before heading to visit with Grammy and Grampy where we told stories, played with the cat, went to the garden centre and then to visit his godmother's new house. We got home just in time to see Hubby off to work, had a peanutbutter sandwich and by the time Lil Sis came to collect him we were officially sugarbushed!

Stacking Pigs

2007-03-22T18:50:00.000-04:00

If you have absolutely nothing to do for the next 6 hours you should go to Pogo.com and try the "Stack 'em" game. Very simple but very addictive. Thank goodness they block this site at work or I would get nothing done! Between TumbleBees, Word Whomp and Stack'em I'd be done for.

I was suppose to go for groceries and hour ago!

Can't talk-stacking pigs.

Don't Tug on Superman's Cape

2007-03-19T22:35:00.000-04:00

Family:
Today is my nephew's 4th birthday. I can hardly believe it! It can't be 4 years and 2 days since Lil Sis was in my office telling me we were going to have a St. Paddy's day baby! (Boy was she wrong!) He was such a little beach bum when he was born, he had long blonde shaggy hair. His hair is now dark blonde but he still has the most beautiful blue eyes that twinkle when he is up to no good.

We had a family dinner tonight featuring his favourite meal - take-out Chinese. Mom and The Papa were there but Hubby had to work. After dinner Sis offered to take me up to Hubby's work to drop off the car so I wouldn't have to go back after him at midnight. The Monkey was so excited to see his uncle that we decided to take him to McDonald's so he could play while Hubby had his supper.

He was so cute running around the playground with his Superman pjs on (complete with cape!).
When it was time to take Hubby back to work he took off to the top of the playground. I waited at the bottom of the slide. When he landed he was looking the other way and didn't see me so I leaned in and softly said "Boo". It startled him and he whipped around, looked at me for half a second and then punched me in the nose!

He didn't hit hard, I think he realized halfway through what he was doing and tried to pull back but it smarts just the same. Sis and I are trying very hard to keep a straight face as we tell him not to hit. It was just so obvious that it was a knee-jerk reaction that you just couldn't be really upset with him. It is important to note that he did come back down the slide to kiss my nose better and say "Sorry Teecee".

*************

Work:

What a depressing (yet productive) day at work. To look at my agenda would give someone who didn't know me the wrong impression.

Today's agenda read:

8 am - 9 am Breakfast

9 am - 11 am Sexual Assault

1 pm - 4 pm Child Abuse

I spent the morning in a meeting talking about education around sexual assault law and the proposed changes to the age of consent to sexual activity. The afternoon was spent editing a publication for parents and service providers about reporting child abuse and neglect. While it is all important work it is sad that there is such a need for these materials.

Thankfully tomorrow promises to be much lighter fare!

*************

Friends:

A great weekend overall. CL came up for the weekend to cheer up Hubby. (His cool new job fell through.) The two of them started St. Paddy's day on Friday evening with a bottle of wine.

On Saturday the gang got together at an Irish pub for lunch to kick off the festivities. The hardcore group went to settle in at another pub, I opted to spend a couple of hours watching movies with JE and working on Hubby's Acadian scarf.

When I returned to the pub, Lil Sis and friends were just arriving. We all managed to get some tables together in the back room. She, of course was sporting her flashy green metallic eyelashes and quickly choose a waiter to flirt with/torment. It is, after all, tradition.

Unfortunately the torrential rainfall kept many people home (weather wusses). Although shortly after the roof started leaking many of our group headed out. Hubby, true to his word, was dragged out of the bar. It was not quite the end of the night as he had planned but the crowd was fizzling so we decided to move the party back to the house.

Being a good DD I drove everyone home and came home to fall asleep on the couch while CL, DC and Hubby watched the "Roast of William Shatner" on TV.

Yesterday was BS' birthday and although he hates his birthday he allowed the rest of us to celebrate with a yummy DQ Strawberry Cheesecake Blizzard Cake. It is a thing of beauty. We took turns butchering songs on the Wii karaoke game. I'm not a singer by any means but I did take top honours with my renditions of both "Uptown Girl" and "Time After Time." I love a singing game that does not require singing skills.

RB helped with some work I was trying to wrap up and we had Greek for supper. Chicken souvlaki is so good for supper but it is still best breakfast on Saturday morning at the market.

*************

Still No Baby

Today officially marks Day 1 of the next round. In just two short days the crazy begins with a new round of drugs. It would just have to be the last two weeks of the year end.

I can't believe it caught me off guard, the signs were so clear - uncontrollable chocolate cravings, no energy, organizing closets, dreaming I was pregnant, - short of scrubbing the bathroom (which had already been done on Friday) all the signs were there.

EB and I are both going to be unbearable this week so we have put the office on alert. (This is another perk of an all female office.) Today, we decided that since misery loves company we would lock ourselves in a boardroom to hammer out some revisions.

Watch for upcoming subject lines such as: "Vehicular manslaughter can't be all bad", "mmm...chocolate" and "Why is everyone pregnant but me."

I am keeping in mind that this is still a good sign since, I am almost on schedule and therefore the drugs seem to be doing the trick. If all goes well it will just be a matter of time before I am complaining about being pregnant.

Fingers crossed for the next round!

Seaside Vacation

2007-03-13T00:00:00.000-04:00

Hubby and J-li and I had a lovely weekend at the Algonquin Resort in Saint Andrews. Now this is not seasonally the best time for a vacation at a seaside resort but we pretty much had the place to ourselves. It was a very mild weekend and it actually felt like Spring was on the way!

We arrived on Saturday afternoon and although most of the shops were closed for the season but we did find a few treasures. Hubby bought a new mug for his new job. J-li found some smelly bath bombs and I bought a cookbook – “101 Things to do with a Potato”. (Now that Hubby will be working in SJ I will get to experiment with side dishes that do not involve rice!)

We had supper at the hotel, since the best part of staying at the Algonquin is the food. Hubby and I had the wild mushroom and goat-cheese ravioli for an appetizer, and roast beef tenderloin in a merlot reduction. Everything was great. We later ordered dessert from room service. Yummy!

J-li came up to our room and we ordered a movie (For your Consideration) but since we started too late and I did not see more than 3 minutes of the film before I was asleep on the couch - just like being at home.

On Saturday the grounds of the hotel were all covered in snow but by Sunday at noon the grass was showing and it not only felt like Spring it looked like it too! We had a late breakfast at the hotel before taking the long way home.

We took the long way so that J-li and I could stop at Cricket Cove yarn shop. What a great place! There were so many beautiful yarns and handknit items that I was on sensory overload. I fully expected to come out with bags of yarn but faced with that many choices I couldn’t choose. I am truly a novice.

I picked out a book - Weekend Knitting and some Galloway in a sage green with wooly socks in mind. All-in-all not too much spent. What happened next is all J-li’s fault. Since she insisted on chatting with the store owner I was forced to meander around the cash until I came across the Mango Moon yarns. The yarn is made from recycled silk saris in Nepal. I was in love before I looked at the price and managed to convince myself that the $26 was perfectly reasonable price for something so beautiful. I have no idea what I’ll do with it. Maybe I’ll just love him and pet him and call him George.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall ...

2007-03-08T22:37:00.000-05:00

The other night we had my Lil Bro, Lil Sis and the Monkey over for supper. Sis had cut Lil Bro's hair at the dog groomers. (She told him his head wasn't that different from a dog's ass.) She cut everything but the front and you should have seen the two of them laugh when we stopped at the hairdresser to get it fixed.

Lil Bro was looking for a mirror and Hubby told him there was one on the wall. The Monkey, who was playing nearby, says to himself "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

So I asked him "Who is the fairest of them all?" and he said I WAS! In fact, ten minutes later he made a point of telling Hubby "Your not the fairest of them all, Aunt Teecee is the fairest."

When I picked him up from daycare tonight he told me again. When I said that it made me happy when he said that he let out a big "Woooohooo!" and told me it made him happy too.

I love my Monkey.

13 years and counting...

2007-03-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

Hubby and I celebrated the 13th anniversary of our first date last night.
He worked late, I had Pilates,
He booked our upcoming weekend getaway, I knit,
We went to our favourite pub and had the usual,
We came home and he watched his shows while I fell asleep on the couch.
All in all a very exciting night.

Super Secret Squirrel Surprise Socks

2007-03-04T10:10:00.000-05:00

I am currently working on my first pair of socks for a friend's birthday. Luckily I have a partner in crime, my friend canknitian is a sock wiz and is teaching me. She is knitting one sock and I am doing the other. So worse case scenario RB ends up with one beautifully knit sock and one that looks like its been knit by a monkey.

So far, so good. I have the cuff, the heel and the gusset done and I am quickly heading for the toe! Before you know it I will be adding "knitting socks" to my list of unmarketable skills.

I get to spend this afternoon with two of my favourite boys! My little brother (13) and my nephew (3). Lil Brother is spending half of his March break with Lil Sis and I. He is planning to spend three days working for my sister at her pet grooming shop. He wants to prove to her that he is ready to have a dog. She is going to work his tail off this week. He may actually be glad to go back to school!

Hubby is at work today so I get the boys all to myself!

Check with your doctor before beginning a new diet

2007-03-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

So I told my Dr. about my plans for the “All Ice Cream Fertility Diet” and she said “Go for it!” Now it could be that she really didn’t take me seriously but you should never doubt how far a woman will go to have a baby - especially if it involves ice cream.

Although I'm sure it is already on the list somewhere I should add "Super Genius". I am going to create a line of Gourmet Fertility/Prenatal Ice Cream. It would contain all of the folic acid and vitamins that you need when you are trying to get pregnant and through pregnancy and would feature such flavours as "Quadruple Chocolate" and "Vanilla and Dill Pickle". Because it caters to the infertility and prenatal crowd I could easily charge 500% more than regular ice cream. Yup, Super Genius it is.

My friends did have a good point; you run the risk of overdosing on the vitamins if you eat the whole tub of ice cream. They suggested making the vitamins as sprinkles that could be added separately.

We had a welcome home party for DC who just came back from two months in China with her beau. We are getting so old; we were all fading and ready to head home by 11:00. It could have been the snow storm; I think we got something like 15-20cm. The roads were snow filled but not terrible. Hubby played chauffer and picked up and dropped off some of the girls. He is a good sport; once again he was the only man at the party.

DC brought me a lovely purse and a pretty bracelet back from her travels.

All ice cream all the time!

2007-03-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

I’m sooo excited about my new fertility diet - all ice cream all the time! Those damn prenatal vitamins will go down much easier with a milkshake. Harvard researchers have shown that women who eat 2-3 servings of high-fat dairy are less likely to have problems with ovulation. You read that right “HIGH –FAT DAIRY”, eating low-fat dairy can make it 85% more likely to experience anovulatory infertility.

How great is it that the cure for my particular problem is ice cream? Sure there was some blah blah blah about “not making a solid recommendation” and “needing more research” but the bottom line is EAT MORE ICE CREAM!

This is the best day ever.

Horse Pills

2007-02-28T15:45:00.000-05:00

All the news coverage in the past week about the link between prenatal vitamins and childhood cancer has convinced me to start back on the damn pills. I know there were all ready plenty of reasons for taking them but somehow the following factors outweighed all of those:

- They even look disgusting; Motrin comes in a happy orange colour why do they have to look like something made of recycled cardboard.

- They are horse pills! Why do they have to make them so big, I would be more likely to take 2 or 3 little pills than face that big gag-inducing horse pill?

- It’s a pain to buy them. Why to prenatal vitamins have to be kept behind the counter when every other supplement and vitamin are kept in the isle?

- I can’t remember to take them if they are not out where I can see them, but if I leave them out people assume I’m pregnant.

- There is something optimistic about taking a pill in anticipation of becoming pregnant, after a while this optimism wears a little thin.

- Lots of people just get pregnant without all of the planning and only start taking the vitamins when they find out they are pregnant.

I know these are very lame reasons but all the same I stopped. Now that the research shows you can reduce the risk of cancer up to 47% for some types of cancer. I don’t know what it is about cancer that is scarier than all the other diseases and birth defects that were previously linked to a lack of folic acid. I just tell myself to suck it up and swallow the damn pill.

March is coming! March is coming!

2007-02-27T15:41:00.000-05:00

Some people just can't wait for March. The winter is nearly over, March break, Saint Patrick's Day, the anniversary of the day I met my hubby, there are good things about March but in the world of non-profit project funding March = Panic!

Like most non-profits, my organization survives on project funding. We apply to the federal government each spring but by the time the project is approved and the agreements signed we have just 6 months to complete the projects by the end of the fiscal year. Every March we are run ragged trying to ensure that all of the money is spent and the work is done.

To add to this year's chaos, this will be the second year in a row that we will be heading into March with an administrative assistant who is leaving us. The admin person we had for 3 years moved with her hubby last March and we have hired 4 others in the last year. We finally found someone who is perfect and she has been offered another job that pays nearly twice what we do. I completely understand her leaving but it still sucks for me!

Why is it that we can find lawyers to work for less than bookkeepers? Oh well, one of the perks of not practicing law is that I can supposedly leave my work at the office, so on to happier things.

I am so close to finishing my first cabled scarf! At 55" I thought it would never end but just a few more rows and it will be done. I just have to decide if I should give it to my Grampy who I know loves cabled knitting but has lots of scarves and less need for it, or to give it to The Papa (my step-father) who could probably get more use of it. I would give it to my hubby but he has made it pretty clear that the scarf he wants will have to be in Acadian colours. Complete with the yellow star.

I will post pics as soon I I learn how!